Jack Rudolph quotes from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

Jack

[to Jordan] You saw how fast I fired Wes Mendell? Screw this up and I'll fire you faster. I'm not like every other heterosexual man in show business, Jordan. I don't find you charming. And you've earned the loyalty of absolutely no one. So you go ahead and take your first steps towards making us classy again. We've been waiting for you.

Jack

You have to understand that pro-family groups support us in this time of war, just as long as they don't have to see of hear what fighting a war looks or sounds like.

Matt

Are you people using the confidential information that Danny failed a drug test to force him into taking over Studio 60 to deflect attention from what happened on the air tonight?

Jack

He failed a drug test?

Jordan

Yeah, actually Matt, I was the only one who knew about that. Should have trusted me a little, Danny.

Matt

[to Danny] Sorry about that, that one was all me.

Danny

Yeah.

Matt

[turning to everyone] Ironically, I'm the one who's high as a paper kite right now. But legitimately. I had back surgery on Tuesday. L-5/S-1, if that means anything to you. Stop talking now? You bet.

Jack

You know what, Mary? You got spunk.

I hate spunk.

Jack

They never lose, Jordan. They always win.

Jordan

And they might this time, but I'm not going down in the first round. And if the ratings go up, the sponsors who dropped out, we'll welcome them back in -- at 120% of the cost of the original ad buy. We're going to be the first network to charge a coward fee.

Jack

[to himself] I hate spunk.

Jack

You see it as part of your job to screw with my company, don't you?

Danny

No! I do not. That's just one of the perks.

Jack

[about Jordan] She delights in tweaking the religious community every bit as much as Matt does...

Danny

That is not true. No one delights in tweaking the religious community nearly as much as Matt does.

Jack

Ted, believe me, I wish this was a fight for ethics. I wish this was a conversation about the integrity of the news. But it's not. It's about preventing ourselves from being a laughingstock.

Well, I don't feel like a laughingstock.

Jack

That's only because you're a moron.

Wilson, you're backing up what he said?

Yes - including and especially you being a moron.

Oh, her mother will take care of that.

Jack

You speak English?

I speak a few words.

Jack

How many words?

All of them.

Jack

Why do you pretend you can't speak English?

It's fun.

Jack

It's fun?! [pause] Yeah. Guess it would be.

Cal

We can't air the dress tonight.

Jack

Why not?

Cal

We record the signal in RGB, we were missing the B.

Jack

You didn't record the color blue at the dress!?

Cal

(referencing the teenagers who'd just called in a fake threat to the building)Can we determine if there actually is a bomb in the building?

Jack

I trust them, but just in case why don't we handcuff them to the building overnight.

(About the bomb threat) Why wasn't it on the news?

Jack

It's Friday night!

Aren't bomb threats a big deal?

Jack

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

Jack

Any chance you've calmed down?

Simon

I'm completely calm.

Jack

You'll read a statement of apology?

Simon

I said I was calm, Jack. I didn't say my spine had become detached from my brain.

Jack

I think your brain has become detached from your brain.