Harriet Hayes quotes from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

Harriet

You know what, rook? When you start making a contribution to this show, you can talk to me any way you want. But you had two lines tonight and you stepped on one of them. So until you either accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior or make somebody laugh, why don't you talk to somebody else?

Harriet

[to Matt] You know what? When George Michael does some guy in a bathroom, or Woody Allen marries his daughter, or a child molester gets an Oscar nomination, it doesn't really give Hollywood a lot of moral authority on sexual behavior.

Matt

One of the things this show does is decide what's cool, and I've just decided it's no longer cool for grown men to dress as if they're in junior high school. We're going to act, dress, talk, write and behave professionally.

Harriet

You are an adolescent, oversexed, whore-monger with the sensitivity of a head of cabbage!

Matt

And all that will begin in just a few minutes.

Harriet

I got a laugh at the table read when I asked for the butter in the dinner sketch. I didn't get it at the dress. What did I do wrong?

Matt

That's one laugh out of thirty you're going to get tonight.

Harriet

What did I do wrong?

Matt

You asked for the laugh.

Harriet

What did I do at the table read?

Matt

You asked for the butter.

Harriet

God loves me, and hates the both of you.

Simon

Prove it.

Simon

Okay, seriously, I'm scared out of my mind.

Tom

Yeah. That was strange.

Harriet

Alright. Moving on...

Harriet

You know, where I grew up, if this had happened, there'd be a town meeting, and everybody'd be there. And the guy would have to sit and listen while Reverend Tillinghouse gave a sermon on honesty and character.

Simon

That's exactly what would happen where I grew up, except we'd've driven by the guy's house and shot him with a GAT-9.

Harriet

See, there's more that unites us than divides us.

Matt

He wrote his phone number on here. You didn't see it?

Harriet

That's his phone number?

Matt

What did you think it was?

Harriet

I just thought it was his uniform number. You know, they sign their name, and then write the number...

Matt

Yeah, they do... do that. You thought his uniform number was 3 billion, 106 million, 786 thousand, 5 hun-- he was asking you out.

Harriet

Look skipper, if I wanted to make you jealous trust me you'd be jealous.

Matt

I am jealous!

Harriet

Well then, bonus for me.

Harriet

Well, everyone here's a big fan of yours, Martha.

Martha

Really? How would I be referred to in your parents' house?

Harriet

The Devil's whore from Washington.

Martha

Yeah... I'm really the Devil's whore from Bethesda.

Martha

Sting is in the building right now?

Harriet

He's on stage.

Martha

Sting is upstairs, playing a lute.

Harriet

You want to go watch?

Martha

Harriet, you're interesting but... get out of my way!

Harriet

It's a beautiful instrument.

Martha

Sting? Or the lute?

How do you feel about Darren?

Harriet

I'm crazy about him, and I'll tell you why.

He's a professional athlete and has the body of one?

Harriet

No. It's because he's the anti-Matt. Darren is the anti-Matt! He's not snide, he's not smug, he's not superior -- he goes to church! -- he works with his hands...

Well, he's not a rancher. He's a middle-reliever for the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Harriet

I'm saying he is, by and large, unburdened by....what?

Thought?

Harriet

He thinks.

About what?

Harriet

I'm looking forward to discovering that tonight.

Harriet

[about an interview] I said the Bible says it's a sin. It also says judge not lest ye be judged, and that it was something for smarter people than me to decide.

Matt

"Ye" is a word you don't hear a lot.

Harriet

How do you manage to see every piece of my press?

Matt

We have a press department, I get a daily press packet. They highlight what they want me to see - this one got a highlight, an arrow and a sticker!

Harriet

Well, as I said, they left out the second sentence.

Matt

Yeah, can I ask you something? Does your ass hurt from straddling the fence like that all the time?

Harriet

I don't even know what the sides are in the culture war.

Matt

Well, your side hates my side because you think we think you're stupid, and my side hates your side because we think you're stupid.

Harriet

Young girls attend these events. They admire me. I'm in a position to show them that Christianity has a nicer voice than Ann Coulter's.

Jordan

Carol Channing has a nicer voice than Ann Coulter's.