Tom Jeter quotes from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

Tom

[to rehearsal audience] Danny Tripp has just gone upstairs to Matt Albie's office, where the two of them will very quickly decide what makes it into the show tonight. We call this "the Friday-night slaughter". This is where you find out if you have the chance to be the next Bill Murray, or the next Domino's Pizza delivery guy.

Harriet

God loves me, and hates the both of you.

Simon

Prove it.

Simon

Okay, seriously, I'm scared out of my mind.

Tom

Yeah. That was strange.

Harriet

Alright. Moving on...

Tom

I'm gonna show them around the studio, and when we say goodnight, I swear to God, my father's gonna ask me if I need any money, and it is going to take everything I've got not to point out to him I could buy his house four times and turn it into my ping-pong room.

Simon

I would resist that urge.

Harriet

People knock on closed doors in America! Were the two of you raised on a farm?!

Tom

I was.

Simon

I was raised over a heroin dealership.

Harriet

That's no excuse for bad manners.

Tom

It's gotta be soon, right?

Yeah

Tom

I'm feeling the good vibe

Yeah

Tom

I'll tell you this, if it doesn't make it to air, it sure wasn't your fault

It sure wasn't your fault

Tom

You owned it

You owned it

Tom

You got a receipt for it my man.

You're Tom Jeter. No more need to be said.

Tom

You could've picked up the pace a little

Yeah. Maybe a little less mugging from you.

Tom

(forcefully) No. No. This is what they want. To turn us against each other.

You never mug man.

Tom

Your pacing is genius.

Tom

Here comes Andy. He'll make us feel better.

Tom

Hey Andy!

You graceless homicidal bastards. I think if you go check the stage you'll find jokes lying on the floor where you left them to die.

Tom

(pointing to Dylan) It was his pacing.

Should someone have indicated to you on a map where Canada was? Because your Canadian accent...

Tom

Too much?

It was Mexican.

Tom

This is the longest they've ever taken to decide.

In the old days, if your sketch didn't make it on the air, they used to send you downstairs naked, to sell lemon drinks shrouded only in your failure. And you'd have to explain to the patrons why you weren't good enough.

There used to be a naked lemon drink salesman?

Tom

Yeah.

That's right!

Tom

The doctor's giving my mother a sedative called Atrividium

Yeah.

Tom

My father's taking shots of a sedative called Johnny Walker Red.