Matt Albie quotes from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

Matt

Half the shows in prime time start with two strippers getting strangled after a lap dance, and that's fine with me but if it's also fine with Jesus then I don't see the need to tiptoe around his name.

Matt

You know, I remember a few days after the mega phone thing at ground zero I was at the Writers' Guild and people were talking about what a seminal moment that was, and while people were talking about what a great leader he had become in that moment I was thinking, "Gee, what I saw was a guy getting an alley-oop pass from a heckler." A guy from off camera shouted, 'we can't hear you' and Bush shouted back, 'well I can hear you and soon the people that knocked these towers down will hear all of us.' Not a bad come back, but, it didn't strike me as a Saint Crispen's Day speech or anything. But I didn't say anything because I was scared and I've been scared for 5 weeks and that's too long for a grown man.

Matt

How is it possible that at a time when the entire country is completely in line, including the two of us, that... how is it possible that people are so offended by a thoroughly benign sketch?! Is true patriotism really that fragile that it can be threatened by a late night comedy show?!

Matt

Are you people using the confidential information that Danny failed a drug test to force him into taking over Studio 60 to deflect attention from what happened on the air tonight?

Jack

He failed a drug test?

Jordan

Yeah, actually Matt, I was the only one who knew about that. Should have trusted me a little, Danny.

Matt

[to Danny] Sorry about that, that one was all me.

Danny

Yeah.

Matt

[turning to everyone] Ironically, I'm the one who's high as a paper kite right now. But legitimately. I had back surgery on Tuesday. L-5/S-1, if that means anything to you. Stop talking now? You bet.

Matt

One of the things this show does is decide what's cool, and I've just decided it's no longer cool for grown men to dress as if they're in junior high school. We're going to act, dress, talk, write and behave professionally.

Harriet

You are an adolescent, oversexed, whore-monger with the sensitivity of a head of cabbage!

Matt

And all that will begin in just a few minutes.

Harriet

I got a laugh at the table read when I asked for the butter in the dinner sketch. I didn't get it at the dress. What did I do wrong?

Matt

That's one laugh out of thirty you're going to get tonight.

Harriet

What did I do wrong?

Matt

You asked for the laugh.

Harriet

What did I do at the table read?

Matt

You asked for the butter.

Ron

Matt...

Matt

Well, we need to find out why this is happening.

Yep.

Matt

Electricity plays a pretty big role in what we're trying to do.

Danny

They want to see you take fewer whacks at Bush, and it looks like they're getting their wish. So throw it out.

Matt

It's four years ago, all over again.

Danny

What did you think it was going to be?

Matt

Four years later. And by the way, I'd be happy to take shots at the Democrats, too, if only one of them would say or do something!

Matt

Are people looking at us right now?

Danny

I think they are.

Matt

Well, could you punch me in the face or something, 'cause to a casual observer this appears a little homoerotic for my comfort.

Danny

I definitely hear you on that.

Matt

He wrote his phone number on here. You didn't see it?

Harriet

That's his phone number?

Matt

What did you think it was?

Harriet

I just thought it was his uniform number. You know, they sign their name, and then write the number...

Matt

Yeah, they do... do that. You thought his uniform number was 3 billion, 106 million, 786 thousand, 5 hun-- he was asking you out.

Ron

The guy hadn't gotten anything on the air in a long time and was scared for his job. We talked to him and in no uncertain terms, he screwed up huge and he knows it. But I'm not gonna end his career over it. Cause I know how he feels. That's why we misled you and told you it was written by the room. People aren't even going for funny anymore, Matt. They're just trying for your respect. Anyway, we told Danny. We'll step down if you want, but we're not giving him up.

Matt

Well, now you've got my respect.

Harriet

Look skipper, if I wanted to make you jealous trust me you'd be jealous.

Matt

I am jealous!

Harriet

Well then, bonus for me.

Matt

What are you writing about, Martha?

Martha

I don't know yet. I know that half this country hates the other half, and I know that, for 90 minutes a week, you and Harriet come together.

Why did you cut my sketch?

Matt

It wasn't funny.

I thought it was funny.

Matt

I thought the writing was funny, but that you weren't very good.

Really? 'Cause I thought the writing was one unbearably long set up for a jingle.

Matt

And that's why I cut the sketch. You were in a number of wonderful sketches tonight, including a hilarious send-up of your character on Calico Gals.

Gilmore Girls.

Danny

I wrote it down for you!

Matt

It's one thing to be asked to respect someone else's religion, it's another to be asked to respect their taboos. In my religion it's disrespectful to God not to keep your head covered. You don't see me insisting that the cast of CSI:Miami wear yarmulkas.

Danny

That'd be an unusual creative direction for CSI:Miami.