Wait! I want to tell you Purple Puma's backstory. He was the wildest cat in the jungle, so wild that the others cats couldn't take it. So she, I mean he went to look for somewhere he fit in, somewhere with other people who felt misunderstood.
That really sounds like Steven. [Lars shushes Sadie]
That's why we're all here. To be wild and free, and body slam each other, and wear cool costumes, and make up nicknames and and uh..so can't we just have this? Can't we just wrestle? [Garnet takes microphone]
No. [everyone gasps] Because we are the...Notorious Order of Wrestling Haters.
That's right! Um...we want to stop all wrestling everywhere! Are you going to let us destroy all wrestling?
LarsYou gotta save wrestling! Come on! Tiger! Puma! Tiger! Puma!
Two of the usual, please. I've had quite a day.
Lars
You must be confused, pal. I work here every day and I've never seen your mug before.
I used to make jokes. But you know what? I've had a lot of time to think today and sometimes you gotta smarten up. Act like an adult, 'cause one day if you don't, everyone you know is gonna grow up without you, and you won't have little Steven to pick on anymore because I'll be a grown up too!
[long beat]
..Steven Quartz Universe!! And I want that donut right there! [taps glass screen, sees his reflection] Uwah?! Aahh!!
Lars
Yeah, and nuts.
I'm gonna have to eat fiber cereal, all my teeth are gonna fall out, and then, I'll have to eat oatmeal, [ages further] and it'll be sugar-free! Sugar-free..! [sits down crying with Sadie beside him] I need to reverse this!! ..I need a reverse birthday! The king costume... [to Sadie and Lars] Will you help me into my birthday suit?
[Sadie and Lars's faces turn blank for a beat. Outside, Sadie chases Steven out of the Big Donut with a stool]
[limping as his back hurts from running] I'm…too…old…for this. [ages forward into an old man with gray hair and trips over]
So... how come you're not at the Big Donut?
Lars
[scoffs] I don't spend my whole life at work. I do... other things.
Like standing against this wall?
Lars
What does it look like?!
Looks like you're doing a lot of nothin'.
Lars
That's the plan, Steven. Just playin' it cool today, y'know.
Lars
Excuse me?
You want to get a fresh pizza right out of the oven, but you don't want to seem too desperate, right? Well, there's no need to be ashamed. Just walk right in and ask. That's what I always do.
Lars
Ah, Steven! Don't go in there right now!
He opened the door and there was doggy doo everywhere.
That's nasty. I don't like nasty stuff.
Isn't that Kiki's sister and her friends?
Lars
Jenny, Sour Cream, and Buck Dewey.
Lars
N-not quite, but I'm sure we'll hang at some point.
You should go in and talk to them.
Lars
T-T-That's not how these things work, Steven! The plan is to keep it cool and let them come to me. [the group exit Fish Stew Pizza]
Lars
Aah! Steven, turn around! Act natural!
[to Kiki inside] Tell dad I'll be back later.
I don't think they saw you.
Lars
Steven, you were blocking me with your...big hair! Aah!!
Sorry! I'll go tell them to look over here.
Lars
Steven, no, don't go over there! I hate you..!
[Lars and Steven try to rip the magic moss off the group but keeps enveloping; Steven then looks at the hill behind him]
Lars, I know what we have to do!
Lars
This all is your fault! [breaks down] I knew if something went wrong today, it would be because of you! Now I'm never going to be friends with these guys—all because of your... WEIRD MOM!!
[Steven's eyes narrow in shock, and partially in rage, his posture and expressions become extremely aggressive; Lars backs off in surprise]
What do you know about my mom?! I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO KNOW MY MOM!!! But I do know she saw beauty in everything!! Even in stuff like this, and even in jerks like you!! [beat, sighs] Now help me get them to the car.
[Steven turns on the faucet to wash the sand off his feet when Amethyst comes up to him with a cup of red french fries]
Hey, Steven. You wanna try some special new french fries? [offers him some]
[happily] Do I? [grabs and eats a handful; chuckles until his face turns red; screaming] HOT!
They're special because they're seasoned with… [takes out a vial of Fire Salt to show him] Fire Salt!
[Steven attempts to try and turn on the faucet, but accidentally breaks it off, dashes towards the Big Donut and enters, rushing to the soda fountain and sprays two types of soda into his mouth to soothe his burning mouth, also spilling out the soda to make a huge puddle on the floor]
Lars
Steven! What are you… [slips on the soda puddle and falls]
Lars
Ugh, Steven! Who do you think has to clean up this mess? [turns] Sadie, clean up this mess.
[annoyed] No way, it's your turn. I cleaned the last five "Stevens."
Lars
Aw, come on. That fall messed up my back. [rubs side] It hurts, really bad.
[rolls eyes and takes up mop and bucket] Fine. Move aside, I'll take care of this. Could you grab the soap? [Lars belts out an anguished groan]
Lars
[exaggerating, contorts body into pained position] Oh! It hurts! Sooo much!
[concerned] Maybe you should take the day off.
Lars
[snaps upright] Okay! You gonna be fine on your own?
Lars
[walking out] You’re the best Player Two! [leaves]
[bumps into Lars] Oof. hey Lars, thanks for inviting us over.
Lars
It’s no problem, [goofy laugh] cause I got the whole day off, by faking a severe back injury! [both Jenny and Sour Cream high-five him]
[disgusted] Ugh, he was faking this whole-- [notices an emotionally distraught Sadie, runs after her, and grabs her arm] Uh, don't worry! We can handle the Big Donut. Who needs crummy old Lars?
[emotional] Steven! He's made a fool of me! [to herself] IDIOT! [crying] He's burned me before... [angrily] just once, I'd like to burn him back!
[gets an idea] I know how to burn people!
Lars
Why is Steven in a Donut suit?
Don't worry about that. How's your back?
Lars
Oh, actually it still hurts like—
Lars
No, no, it's cool. I know I can count on you to help, "P2".
Sure. Just relax, in fact, why don't you have a donut? [presents him the donut dosed in Fire Salt]
Lars
Yeah, alright.
Careful, it's a little hot.
Lars
[takes a bite of the donut] Hey, this is pretty good, is this a new flavor or something?
[cracks up, laughing] She said… she said it's hot!
Hey, why's donut guy breathing fire?
I tried to prank Lars but I used too much Fire Salt!
Steven, that's hilarious.
Lars
[struggling to talk, getting out words in between fire breaths] YOU… DID… THIS… TO ME?! [angrily begins chasing Steven around, setting the boardwalk aflame in the process, as Amethyst looks on, greatly amused and laughing]
It wasn't Steven! [approaching] It was me. [Lars appears surprised and lets Steven go]
Ohhh, now it's gettin' good!
After all I do for you, you LIE to me? So you can sneak off with some other girl?!
[from background] And other boys! [Lars, still struggling to breath, glares at Steven whom retreats behind cover]
[tearing up] That night we played video games, I don't know what it meant to you. But ever since then, I can't get the thought out of my head that you’re a good person. [grabs his hand] That night, I really thought…Player Two. Is that just your way of saying I could’ve been anyone?
Lars
[attempting to speak without breathing fire] Sadie-- [coughs]
Another day saved by Steven Universe, with the bonus musical stylings of Harold Smiley! You're welcome!
[Lars walks to Sadie to try and reason with her as she puts out the fires, turning his head away from facing her]
Lars
[in a strained voice while coughing] Uh, no! [wheezes] I want to help! But I get it if you want to be alone.
MDMayor Dewey
Hey! It's those magical ladies! [runs at Garnet] What's going on here?!
The ocean is gone. Obviously.
MDMayor Dewey
That's right! Now it's just a desert. No one wants to take a vacation to... Desert City! [bawling] Aww, we're gonna lose all our summer business!
Lars
And all the beach babes! Awww!
Who's gonna buy my fries?
SMr. Smiley
Who's gonna have fun at Funland?!
MDMayor Dewey
As mayor, I DEMAND YOU EXPLAIN THIS IMMEDIATE— [Garnet slaps megaphone off his hand] ..ly...
She's the Gem you released from the mirror.
[Pearl projects a hologram of Lapis through her gemstone; the citizens all gasp and awe in amazement indistinctly]
But she's a Gem just like us!
There's a lot you don't know about Gems, Steven.
[Sadie, Lars and Steven walk out of the island to a seaside]
Oh, Steven... it's beautiful here.
Lars
It's a beach! We live on a beach!
Lars
[fumbles phone] Is that why my phone has no reception? Why were you even here?!
We came here to look for a dangerous gem creature that we never found...
Lars
..Yep. I'm going.
Huh? Lars! Wait! Lars... this could actually be kind of fun!
Lars
If I'm going to be bored out of my mind and possibly die, I'm gonna go to work and get paid for it. [stops to find warp pad missing] Okay, where is it?
Lars
The teleporter thing! Where is it?!
Oh, i-it wouldn't disappear... would it?
No, no, no... Well, maybe.
Lars
WHAT!?!
It's okay! The Gems'll come to save us when they see I'm missing! Eventually...
Lars
STEVEN!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS!?! WE'RE STRANDED!!
Calm down! Is this really the worst place to be stuck in? [view on a waterfall and butterflies]
Lars
Ugh! You calm down. I'm gonna find better reception.
Lars
[stroking Sadie's hand; tearing up] Sadie? Do you ever get lonely, even when you're around people? [Sadie nodes yes; presses his lips into her mouth and they both start kissing]
[singing] Why don't you let yourself just be…
Lars
[annoyed] How long have you been watching us?!
Don't you know what privacy is?!
People walk in and out of my room all the time.
Lars
[glares angrily at Sadie, realizing she hid the Warp Pad in a pile of leaves] You knew! [wrenches his arm away from her]
Lars
It's her fault we've been trapped here! [points angrily at Sadie]
Look, I panicked! I hid the Warp Pad! You were just gonna leave, but I knew how much you really needed this! Why don't you ever let me help you?!
Lars
Help me?! Are you insane?! You trapped me on an island, so you could come on to me! [sulks]
[screams in aggravation and starts slapping him] You kissed me on the mouth!
Lars
No, I didn't!
Guys, I want to be mad too, but can we do it on the Warp Pad?!
[enters the Big Donut] So, what would happen if I said hi to Sadie?
The most probable outcome is that Sadie will say hi back.
[chuckles] Aw, that was an easy one. What would happen if... [points to Lars at the coffee machine] I said hi to my BFF, Lars? Our friendship is deep but complicated. So the outcome of this experiment is waaaay unpredictable!
I see a single potential future where Lars gives you a high five. [starry-eyed Steven gasps at Garnet] And two more potential futures where you suffer third-degree burns all over your body.
A high five... from Lars! [runs to him] Hi, Lars!
[a startled Lars suddenly throws the coffee jar up high and falls down onto Steven before Garnet blocks it with coffee all over her body]
Lars
Criminy! Are you okay?! That coffee was really hot!
I drink coffee for breakfast. [absorbs coffee with her body]
[Steven, Lars, and Ronaldo head down into the lighthouse basement and find a pulsing flesh-like structure with Lars' name carved on the wall]
[to Lars; coldly] It should have been you.
Lars
What?!
It took her, but it should have been you, Lars!
Steven Universe · 493 quotes
