StevenOkay, there's no way you're not gonna love this! [gestures to three kiddie cars, then holds up a kazoo] It's kazoo racers! You get in a car, you play a kazoo! [blows kazoo, then holds up three more] What more could you want?! Dad used to do this for me every year.
[whispering to Garnet nervously] I think this is why aging makes humans die!
Steven, thank you for the birthday parties, but I don't think we'll need anymore.
Steven
Why not?
Our age is only an illusion, and Pearl's pretty sure this ritual is more for human children.
[still nervous] Nothing against children!
Steven
Children? Everyone gets to have birthdays! Seriously, give it a try. You're never too old!
Steven
You're not too big! [trying to climb into a car] Y-y-you just get in, and then, uh...
[shapeshifts into a baby, in small war jeep] I can fit! Which way to the baby war? [driving] EAT TREAD, DIRTBAGS!
Steven
Two of the usual, please. I've had quite a day.
You must be confused, pal. I work here every day and I've never seen your mug before.
Steven
Oh, hardy-har, Lars!
Steven
I used to make jokes. But you know what? I've had a lot of time to think today and sometimes you gotta smarten up. Act like an adult, 'cause one day if you don't, everyone you know is gonna grow up without you, and you won't have little Steven to pick on anymore because I'll be a grown up too!
[long beat]
Steven
..Steven Quartz Universe!! And I want that donut right there! [taps glass screen, sees his reflection] Uwah?! Aahh!!
Steven
I'M... OLD!!
Steven
I'm gonna have to eat fiber cereal, all my teeth are gonna fall out, and then, I'll have to eat oatmeal, [ages further] and it'll be sugar-free! Sugar-free..! [sits down crying with Sadie beside him] I need to reverse this!! ..I need a reverse birthday! The king costume... [to Sadie and Lars] Will you help me into my birthday suit?
[Sadie and Lars's faces turn blank for a beat. Outside, Sadie chases Steven out of the Big Donut with a stool]
Steven
[limping as his back hurts from running] I'm…too…old…for this. [ages forward into an old man with gray hair and trips over]
[after a rapidly-ageing Steven is close to dying with Crystal Gems arguing in tears]
Steven
Would you guys just... please... [regresses into young man] control yourselves?! [beat] Uh... oh, no... [regresses into teen] Oh, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have yelled! But I can't stand to see you [transforms to young man] freaking out like this!
Your age is fluctuating! I think your gem is reacting to your state of mind!
STEVEN!! STOP FEELING OLD!!
Steven
[regresses into teen] But I wasted your time! [transforms into old man] We all have such little time...
You have to feel like yourself! Sweet and considerate and only occasionally obnoxious!
Steven
[regresses into teen] You really think I'm all those things?
Why else would you throw us all those parties?!
Steven
Oh my gosh! You're right! [regresses back, to his old self] I am pretty great.
Oh, Steven! [Pearl and Amethyst rush to hug him] Steven!
We'll work on the rest... later. [Steven pulls up his shirt to reveal he still has full grown legs, laughs nervously]
Steven
So... how come you're not at the Big Donut?
[scoffs] I don't spend my whole life at work. I do... other things.
Steven
Like standing against this wall?
Steven
Looks like you're doing a lot of nothin'.
That's the plan, Steven. Just playin' it cool today, y'know.
Steven
We are so much alike.
Steven
You want to get a fresh pizza right out of the oven, but you don't want to seem too desperate, right? Well, there's no need to be ashamed. Just walk right in and ask. That's what I always do.
Ah, Steven! Don't go in there right now!
Steven
[stares inside] Oh, hey!
He opened the door and there was doggy doo everywhere.
That's nasty. I don't like nasty stuff.
Steven
Isn't that Kiki's sister and her friends?
Jenny, Sour Cream, and Buck Dewey.
Steven
Oh, you know those guys?
N-not quite, but I'm sure we'll hang at some point.
Steven
You should go in and talk to them.
T-T-That's not how these things work, Steven! The plan is to keep it cool and let them come to me. [the group exit Fish Stew Pizza]
Steven
Here they come.
Aah! Steven, turn around! Act natural!
[to Kiki inside] Tell dad I'll be back later.
Steven
I don't think they saw you.
Steven, you were blocking me with your...big hair! Aah!!
Steven
Sorry! I'll go tell them to look over here.
Steven, no, don't go over there! I hate you..!
[Lars and Steven try to rip the magic moss off the group but keeps enveloping; Steven then looks at the hill behind him]
Steven
Lars, I know what we have to do!
This all is your fault! [breaks down] I knew if something went wrong today, it would be because of you! Now I'm never going to be friends with these guys—all because of your... WEIRD MOM!!
[Steven's eyes narrow in shock, and partially in rage, his posture and expressions become extremely aggressive; Lars backs off in surprise]
Steven
What do you know about my mom?! I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO KNOW MY MOM!!! But I do know she saw beauty in everything!! Even in stuff like this, and even in jerks like you!! [beat, sighs] Now help me get them to the car.
Steven
[walks up Beach House, groans] Stupid Dave Guy, got no future, your haircut's gross, you smell bad... [Amethyst laughs]
Steven
No, I'm talking about dumb old Dave Guy. I mean, just look at him. Does it look like his life is going anywhere?
Ehh, cut him a break. Maybe this is the year he gets his life together. Maybe he'll get a cool internship.
Steven
Tch... I doubt it! I can't even trade 30 Dave Guys with Onion to get one Ranger Guy.
So you need more of that little man to get some other little man.
Steven
Yeah! And the machine is sold out of 'em. [Amethyst holds a bubble-looking stick] What is that?
Pearl's replicator wand. You can use it to make copies of stuff. Your magic. I'm sure you can figure out how to use it.
Steven
Have you been sitting here all day with this in your hair?
Nah, I got up to look for Pearl's dumb axe but found that instead. Then I replicated a bunch of garbage and stuffed it all in Pearl's room. [sniggers sinisterly]
HPHolo-Pearl
"Do you wish to battle again?"
Steven
[running around her] Pearl!! That was amazing! You were so cool!
Oh-ho-ho, well... one does try their best.
Steven
Will you teach me to sword fight like you?
[chuckles] All right. But we should start with the basics. [clears throat] Initiate training mode. [Holo-Pearl stands]
HPHolo-Pearl
"Training mode initiated. Level one, begin!"
I want you to stand back, Steven, and watch me carefully, okay?
HPHolo-Pearl
"Parry! Parry! Thrust! Parry! Parry! Thrust!"
Do you see what I'm doing with my feet, Steven? [Steven is starting to wind down for a beat] Notice where I keep my center of gravity.
Steven
Aw! Can you show me something cool? Like the Boomerang Blade!
Steven... you know that's not a real sword technique!
Steven
Boomerang Blade! Boomerang Blade!! BOOMERANG BLADE!!
Steven, these are real sword techniques! Not those silly things from your movies! It's about waiting carefully for the perfect moment to—
HPHolo-Pearl
(SHIK!!) "THRUST!!" [Pearl grunts, Steven gasps]
[angle on Steven with shadows of Holo-Pearl's sword and stabbed Pearl, with the latter dropping her sword]
Steven
Pearl..?
..Wh-whoopsie-daisy! Steven, it's okay. I'm gonna be just—
[Pearl explodes into a cloud of vapor with her gemstone slumps on the ground]
Steven
NNOOOOOO!!! [cradles her gemstone, crying] Pearl?! Pearl!!
HPHolo-Pearl
"Challenger defeated. Level one failed!"
Steven
Introducing the finest in luxury transportation... Lion!
LLion
[yawns and lays down]
Steven
Aw, you little goofball. [Walks over to Lion and presses his face into his mane]
Steven
[Lifts his face out of Lion's mane] Lion is sort of like a pet. He does his own thing most of the time, though.
LLion
[Chomping on something; The shot switches to a half-eaten crystal iguana by Lion's paws]
Steven
See? Who KNOWS where he got that?
Wow, Steven. Everything in your life is so awesome and magical. [Connie picks up a stick] The most exciting thing in my life is tennis practice. [She gets into a stance and swings the stick from her left to her right] Forehand! [She swings the stick from her right and back to her left] Backhand! [She brings the stick to the center of her body, bringing it up and then slamming it down] Overhead death strike!
Steven
Whoa! Tennis is rad!
[Picks up the stick again] Well, I made up that last one.
Steven
I think Lion says we should hurry up and go. Or maybe he was just yawning. [Steven and Connie blink and stare at each other for a few seconds, then Steven throws his arms up into the air] Anyways, let's go to the movie!
Steven
I've got bad news, everyone. You've all been banned from Fish Stew Pizza.
That pizza wasn't even good.
Steven
Aren't you guys upset about this?
Steven
But these are our neighbors!
There's nothing we can do about that now.
Now we have to figure out a way to take care of that pufferfish.
Steven
What's the point of saving people if they're just gonna ban you from their pizza shops?
We don't do it for thanks.
Steven
Yeah, see! That's so nice of you, the Pizzas don't even know! If they got to know you they'd see how fun [Amethyst], and smart [Pearl], and mysterious you are [Garnet]!
Steven
Hmm. [gasp] I know! I'll throw a little party on the beach in front of the temple! Just us and the Pizzas.
I don't know, Steven. I mean...
Steven
Don't worry! I'll take care of everything!
Steven
[playing "Golf Quest Mini" as Prof. Sandtraps] "I can't lose! I am the greatest golfer in the UNIVER-R-R-RSE!!!" [imitates explosion sounds; "secret ending unlocked"] All right! Secret ending! [the Gems warp back]
Steven
[affixed to the TV] Hey.
AAce
[in-game] "Project F.L.O.G.? That's 'golf' backwards. [pushes button, enters room with what seems to be a cryogenic capsule] What is this?"
[pops in front of his face] Hey, Steven! Wanna hear about where we've been?
Steven
[grunts, moves her hair out of the way] Wait! Wait, hold on!
AAce
[wipes glass] "June 9th, 2014? But that was the day he disappeared."
Steven
[Amethyst rolls down in front] Hey!
Steven! [places an artifact] Look at this.
It's the Wailing Stone we found!
The Wailing Stone that I found.
Isn't it neat? It uses high-frequency soundwaves—
Steven
Guys?!
—as a message relay between two fixed points...
Look! You just have to push this!
[it suddenly emits an extremely scathing sound. The game ending continues playing before the TV breaks off in front of Steven. Pearl slams on the knob and stops]
Amethyst, I told you not to turn it on in the house!
[chuckles] Chill out, Pea! It's not like anyone got hurt and Steven loved it! [beat] ..Steven?
Steven
THAT WAS THE SECRET ENDING!! Now I have to replay the final dungeon all over again!! It's not fair!! I can't go mini-golfing, I can't play my game, I can't stop going into the bathroom because I ate all that cream corn! So much corn... [sighs] I just wish I had a place for myself. [Steven's gem starts glowing] Huh? My gem! [everyone then looks back; Rose's symbol starts glowing at the Temple Gate]
Rose's door... [unlocking sounds] Steven... your gem is opening your mother's room.
[the symbol grows and envelopes the gate into a doorway]
Steven
[walks to the door] Woah...!
PAPearl/Amethyst
Steven, wait!
Steven, don't go in there!
Steven
It's never about what I wanna do, is it?! Well, now I have a place where I'm going, and YOU—CAN'T—COME!!!
Steven
The Gems were trying to tell me something about Mom's room... but I was so mad I didn't listen. They're always leaving me behind, and... I guess I wanted to do it to them too.
..That's not so bad. Everyone needs some alone time now and then. Belelelerow! [munches donut]
Steven
[chuckles] Yeah, i-it was really fun for a while. But now... the whole city, everyone and everything is acting really weird.
Well, the important thing is you told the truth.
Steven
..Yeah, I... guess I did...
Belelelerow! [munches donut]
Steven
Uh, Dad? Y-Your advice is making less sense than usual.
Well, the important thing is family and friendship, honesty, values and no one got arrested. Belelelerow! [munches donut]
[Steven nervously looks at his donut for a long beat. He soon takes a bite and poofs in his mouth]
Steven
Aah! I'm still in the room! All of this—it's all a fakearoo!!
Steven
Whoa! What magical place of mysteries is this?
Oh, I'm so glad you asked! This was once a communication hub for Gem-kind, but lately, it's begun transmitting bursts of electromagnetic interference!
Steven
What's that mean?
Steven
NOOOOOOO!!! I'll save you, television!! Hi-yah! [kicks, pushes a pillar]
[lifts him] Sorry, but we need a Steven at least [shapeshifts into a bigger macho Steven] this strong for this job!
Steven
[gasps] It's all the me I could be!
[Amethyst puts Steven down, punches the pillar thoroughly]
Amethyst, we could be here all day taking out each of these pillars individually.
Ugh! I hate it when you're right. You get this look on your face... Yeah, that's the one.
What we need is a well thought out plan—
No. What we need is Sugilite. Amethyst, fuse with me.
APAmethyst/Pearl
Whaaaat?!
[Amethyst starts screaming excitedly, Pearl looking fumed]
Yeah! Let's mash it up! Bigger, badder, better! Ohohohohohoh!
Steven
Hold your horses! Are... you guys going to become a Gem fusion?!
BBoth
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH—!!!
WAIT!! Garnet, think about this. You and Amethyst can be a little... unstable when your personalities combine. We need to be careful! Fuse with me instead!
[touches her shoulder] We don't need to be careful. We just need to be huge.
Oh, yeah! Let's wreck this joint!
[Steven turns on the faucet to wash the sand off his feet when Amethyst comes up to him with a cup of red french fries]
Hey, Steven. You wanna try some special new french fries? [offers him some]
Steven
[happily] Do I? [grabs and eats a handful; chuckles until his face turns red; screaming] HOT!
They're special because they're seasoned with… [takes out a vial of Fire Salt to show him] Fire Salt!
[Steven attempts to try and turn on the faucet, but accidentally breaks it off, dashes towards the Big Donut and enters, rushing to the soda fountain and sprays two types of soda into his mouth to soothe his burning mouth, also spilling out the soda to make a huge puddle on the floor]
Steven! What are you… [slips on the soda puddle and falls]
Steven
[exhausted] Sorry, Lars.
Ugh, Steven! Who do you think has to clean up this mess? [turns] Sadie, clean up this mess.
[annoyed] No way, it's your turn. I cleaned the last five "Stevens."
Aw, come on. That fall messed up my back. [rubs side] It hurts, really bad.
[rolls eyes and takes up mop and bucket] Fine. Move aside, I'll take care of this. Could you grab the soap? [Lars belts out an anguished groan]
[exaggerating, contorts body into pained position] Oh! It hurts! Sooo much!
[concerned] Maybe you should take the day off.
[snaps upright] Okay! You gonna be fine on your own?
[walking out] You’re the best Player Two! [leaves]
[bumps into Lars] Oof. hey Lars, thanks for inviting us over.
It’s no problem, [goofy laugh] cause I got the whole day off, by faking a severe back injury! [both Jenny and Sour Cream high-five him]
Steven
[disgusted] Ugh, he was faking this whole-- [notices an emotionally distraught Sadie, runs after her, and grabs her arm] Uh, don't worry! We can handle the Big Donut. Who needs crummy old Lars?
[emotional] Steven! He's made a fool of me! [to herself] IDIOT! [crying] He's burned me before... [angrily] just once, I'd like to burn him back!
Steven
[gets an idea] I know how to burn people!
Steven
Hi, Lars!
Why is Steven in a Donut suit?
Don't worry about that. How's your back?
Oh, actually it still hurts like—
No, no, it's cool. I know I can count on you to help, "P2".
Sure. Just relax, in fact, why don't you have a donut? [presents him the donut dosed in Fire Salt]
Careful, it's a little hot.
[takes a bite of the donut] Hey, this is pretty good, is this a new flavor or something?
Steven
[cracks up, laughing] She said… she said it's hot!
Steven Universe · 493 quotes
