Jack O'Neill quotes from Stargate SG-1

Col. O'Neill

You sure you want to take this with you, sir?

We're closed for business. I was supposed to retire five years ago. We don't know how long it's going to be before we can re-establish the Stargate Program, if ever.

Col. O'Neill

Actually, I just meant, it says "Property of US Air Force" on it.

Col. O'Neill

Next time we crash our brand new mothership, what do you say we do it in the tropics?

Maj. Carter

Actually, sir, it wouldn't make a difference. At this depth, all water is ice cold.

Col. O'Neill

Shallower water, then…shallower.

Maj. Carter

Yes, sir. I'll keep that in mind.

Col. O'Neill

Or we could just not crash at all. It would be nice to keep our nice new mothership more than a couple of hours.

Maj. Carter

Yes sir.

Maj. Carter

[Speaking into her radio] Dad? We're alright.

Col. O'Neill

Tell him I take back everything I was thinking while I was underwater.

Col. O'Neill

[suspiciously] Are you smiling?

Jonas

First time in a death glider.

Col. O'Neill

Oh! Well… [starts flying crazy]

Jacob Carter

You know, sometimes I get a little concerned that you're gonna get my favorite planet wiped out.

Col. O'Neill

Yes. What planet is that?

Maj. Davis

That was loud.

Col. O'Neill

What?

Hi. It's nice to finally meet you, Major.

Maj. Carter

You too. Dr. Michaels, this is Dr. Fraiser.

Doctor.

Dr. Fraiser

Doctor.

[also introducing] Uh…Drs. Woods and Osbourne.

Dr. Fraiser

Doctor.

Doctor.

Major.

Maj. Carter

Doctor.

Major.

Dr. Fraiser

Doctor.

Col. O'Neill

All right. That's enough.

Col. O'Neill

D'oh!

Teal'c

What is it, O'Neill?

Col. O'Neill

I forgot to tape The Simpsons...

Col. O'Neill

It's important to me!

Col. O'Neill

Listen. Could somebody bottom-line this for me?

Dr. Fraiser

Well, Sir, we could be looking at evidence that human beings evolved long before we thought they did.

And maybe not even originally on this planet.

Col. O'Neill

Darwin would be crushed.

Ba'al

Who are you?

Col. O'Neill

You go first.

Ba'al

[picking up a knife] You claim you do not know me?

Col. O'Neill

Well, take no offense there, Skippy, I'm sure you're a real hot, important Goa'uld, I've just always been kind of out of the loop with the snake thing.

Ba'al

I am Ba'al.

Col. O'Neill

That's it? Just "Ball"? As in "bocce"?

Ba'al

Do you not know the pain you will suffer for this impudence? [aims the knife at Jack]

Col. O'Neill

I don't know the meaning of the word. Seriously. "Impudence." What does that mean?

Dr. Jackson

Hi, Jack. [waves]

Col. O'Neill

Daniel?

Dr. Jackson

I leave and look at the mess you get yourself into.

Dr. Jackson

It's good to see you.

Col. O'Neill

Yeah. You too. Shame you're a delusion.

Dr. Jackson

No, I'm here. I'm...really here.

Col. O'Neill

Sure you are.

Dr. Jackson

Here in the sense that my consciousness is here, if not here in the full physical flesh and blood sense, which is really...neither...here nor there. The point is, you're not imagining this.

Col. O'Neill

I just tossed my shoe through you!

Dr. Jackson

I'm energy now…

Col. O'Neill

How's that workin' out for ya?

Dr. Jackson

Good, actually. Very…

Col. O'Neill

Good.

Dr. Jackson

Very good.

Col. O'Neill

So show me your stuff. Bust me out of here.

Dr. Jackson

I can't…

Col. O'Neill

Why not?

Dr. Jackson

I'm not allowed to interfere.

Col. O'Neill

You're interfering right now.

Dr. Jackson

No, I'm not.

Col. O'Neill

Yes, you are.

Dr. Jackson

No, I'm not. I am consoling a friend.

Col. O'Neill

So… you wanna be my Oma?

Dr. Jackson

You could put it that way. I mean, I wouldn't, but maybe that's just me.