Jack O&#039;Neill quotes from Stargate SG-1

Major Samuels.

SSamuels

Actually, it's Lt. Col. Samuels now.

Col. O'Neill

You'll always be 'Sparky' to me.

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GHGen. Hammond

It costs nearly a billion dollars just to turn the lights on around here.

Col. O'Neill

How about a bake sale? [Hammond gives him a stern look] Yard sale? Garage...

GHGen. Hammond

This is what I look like when I'm not laughing, Colonel.

Col. O'Neill

Car wash?

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Senator, we have reason to believe that the Goa'uld are about to launch an attack, in force, in ships.

SKSenator Kinsey

Then I think they'll regret taking on the United States military!

Col. O'Neill

Oh, for God's sake…

[sarcastic] Oh, you're right! We'll—-we'll just upload a computer virus into the mothership!

[This is a reference to the film Independence Day , which, incidentally, was written by Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin, the creators of the original movie Stargate.]

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(about Kinsey wanting to shut down the program)

Col. O'Neill

That's it, colonel.

It can't be...

Col. O'Neill

Sir, with all due respect-

So with all due respect, the good senator is an ass.

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[inspecting a silver ball] Teal'c, what is this?

Teal'c

It is a Goa'uld long-range visual communication device. Somewhat like your television, only much further advanced.

Col. O'Neill

Think it gets Showtime?

[The series was airing on the Showtime network at this point.]

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Bra'tac

We offer to lay down our lives for your world, human. You cannot ask more.

Col. O'Neill

No, I can't. But I think a better idea is to get the other guys to lay down their lives for their world first, hmm?

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Col. O'Neill

We've been in worse situations than this.

Teal'c

Not to my knowledge.

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Col. O'Neill

I think what the Captain's asking is, "What now?"

Bra'tac

Now we die.

Col. O'Neill

Well, that's a bad plan.

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Bra'tac

(Contemplating how to destroy the shield generator) The shield generators are far below. There, in the very bowels of the ship. We must climb down several decks, through the length of the ship. Then. taking our weapons we must...

Col. O'Neill

(Arms two grenades and tosses them down. They watch as the generator explodes.) Grenades.

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I like what they've done with the place.

Col. O'Neill

I'm not so sure I like what the place has done to them.

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We're out.

Col. O'Neill

[leaping out of the device] Whoa! Whew.

Wait. Didn't that seem just a little too easy?

Col. O'Neill

Yes, it did. Let's go home.

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What are you doing, Colonel?

Col. O'Neill

Ah, I'm looking for the edges of a mask.

What?

Col. O'Neill

You're obviously not the real General Hammond.

Sit down, Colonel.

Col. O'Neill

I don't think so, bucko. The jig's up, we're on to ya.

What are you talking about?

We're still on P7J-989.

Col. O'Neill

Oh, you betcha. This is just a new game brought to you by our good friend [Pats Hammond on the head] the Keeper.

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Where are we going?

Col. O'Neill

Back through the Gate to show them what their planet looks like... [gets confused] ...in our memories... before the virtual reality... Leave me alone!

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Col. O'Neill

This is real this time, isn't it?

GGamekeeper

[sternly, to the residents] Do not pull that!! You are ruining the garden! [turns to glare at O'Neill and Jackson] I told you they will ruin everything! First, the garden, next, the entire planet!

COCol. O'Neill and Jackson

[grinning] It's real.

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Lately, I get this weird feeling when I'm near Teal'c.

Col. O'Neill

Hey, who doesn't?