SpongeBob[straightens himself out] Oh, tender, naïve Patrick, it's not that kind of playground. It's a place to read books! See?
Oh, I love books! [laughs and throws books around] Book! Book! [SpongeBob dodges the incoming books] Book!
SpongeBob
[whispers] Gary, I don't think Patrick knows how to use a book properly. [gets hit in the face by a book] Ow! [removes the book and grabs Patrick] Behold the books, Patrick. Each one has a story to tell.
SpongeBob
Look out! Those books are cliffhangers, stories for the adventurous. [Two books are clinging for their lives on the shelf. Patrick panics and rushes to help them]
I'll save you! [climbs on the shelf] Whoa! [falls down and gets crushed underneath]
SpongeBob
[pulls Patrick out and shows a log-shaped book] There are logbooks, unabridged books, and books with bridges. [holds up a really large book entitled, "War and Peace"; he shows a pop-up book that displays London's Tower Bridge]
SpongeBob
[puts a book close to his ear] Listen to the soothing sounds of the audiobooks. [hears seagulls cawing and ocean waves] I can hear the ocean.
[grabs a book and hears a toilet flushing] Me too!
[SpongeBob and Patrick laugh]
SpongeBob
Cookbooks, for the culinarily curious.
[takes a page that has a picture of a turkey on it. He puts it on a stove, fries it up, and eats it] I like the pictures.
SpongeBob
[reaches in Patrick's mouth and grabs the page] Ah, but the pictures are a mere snack! [closes the book and puts it away] It's the words in the book that really feeds your brain. Let's start you off with an old book. [takes an old book that is covered in cobwebs and dust; he parachutes down and opens the book; and eerie dust bunny appears and SpongeBob sniffs it up] Ah, musty old books smell. Now, read the words, Patrick.
Oh, read the—oh, uh..."Once...Upon a..." "Once upon a..." Once upon a what?!
SpongeBob
To continue the story, you have to turn the page. [turns a page]
Oh. "Time." "Once upon a time!" [laughs and turns pages] That's the most amazing trick I've ever seen! I want to stare at more words!
SpongeBob
Then feast your eyes! [turns the pages and Patrick goes to read. Inside Patrick's head, his brain is sitting alone on the couch, feeling bored. It picks its nose and smears it on the arm rest. It then sees Patrick looking at the words in the book he's reading]
[An exhausted SpongeBob walks up to the front door of his house]
SpongeBob
[sighs and looks at his watch] Well, I may have missed the live broadcast, but at least I got it all on tape. Here I come, "Mermaid Man!" [tries to open the door but it's locked] Oh. [tries to pull it open but to no avail; he checks his pockets] Where'd I put my keys? [peaks through the window] Did I leave them on the table again? [sees his VCR going haywire and it spits out the tape's film] No, my tape! [the ice block explodes and soda flies everywhere] My soda! [the popcorn machine explodes] My popcorn! [sees everything a complete mess] My "Mermaid Man!" [the house bursts into flames and he screams]
[gets shot out of the house on a flying soda bottle. SpongeBob goes to catch Gary, but he lands on his face] Meow. [slithers off of SpongeBob]
[SpongeBob, completely shocked at what happened, starts feeling really sad and begins to cry. His crying is so loud that it is heard all across Bikini Bottom, which results in waking up the townsfolk. Moments later, Squidward, Patrick, Sandy, Larry, Mr. Krabs, Plankton, and Mrs. Puff arrive to see what was the matter]
Hey there, SpongeBob. Why all the waterworks?
SpongeBob
[sniffles and wipes his tears with his nose like a windshield wiper] I was so busy helping everyone that I missed "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy" and my VCR didn't record it and now I'll never see it and my life has no meaning! [sulks away from his friends and goes back into his burning house crying hysterically, now that his chances of seeing the long-lost episode of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy has been shattered. All of SpongeBob's friends including Squidward look on at him with sad faces and realized what they had done: they took his kindness for granted and inexplicably ruined his chances of seeing the episode he's been looking forward to watching]
IPIdeal Plankton
Neptune's network! Which one of you is the real SpongeBob?
[SpongeBob and Off Model SpongeBob point at each other. Then stare at themselves in confusion]
IPIdeal Plankton
I'll have to use all the computation power I have to figure this out. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe. [blasts Off Model SpongeBob]
SpongeBob
Duh, duh, doy, doy. Duh, duh, doy, doy.
IPIdeal Plankton
Oh, no. I think I destroyed the wrong SpongeBob.
SpongeBob
Duh, duh, doy— [shakes himself back to his normal form] How do I look?
IPIdeal Plankton
Stunning.
[Before Ideal Plankton can have his turn to swing across, the ground beneath him gave way and he falls into the ravine below.]
IPIdeal Plankton
It's up to you, SpongeBob! You must save Karen!
SpongeBob
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
IPIdeal Plankton
[off-screen] What do you mean, no?!
SpongeBob
I mean, YES!!!!!
SpongeBob
Sandy, don't you think you're playing a teensy-weensy bit rough? Just a smidge? Hm?
Aww, I'm actually going a little easy on you guys, seein' as you're all so delicate. [lets them go and takes out a bucket of chum] Hey, who wants to play "dodge the chum?" [throws some chum at SpongeBob]
SpongeBob
No, I don't think I'm— [gets chum thrown in his face] Sandy is really stressing me out today. You want to go jellyfishing?
[licks the chum off SpongeBob's face] No, I'd rather go jellyfishing.
SpongeBob
You sure you don't wanna go [takes out his jellyfishing net] jellyfishing?
I said no. [takes out his net] I wanna go jellyfishing.
SpongeBob
[groans] Okay, we'll do what you want.
[SpongeBob laughs as the cart falls through the floor. The Flying Dutchman leans over to hear. SpongeBob's laughter hits him hard again]
How can he still be laughing? I've never been so humiliated. I got to do something here.
SpongeBob
Boy, Patrick, I wish all our friends could be here. They'd love this place! [laughs]
Friends! He's got friends. That's it! I know how to scare this guy. [laughs evilly as he unleashes his ghostly mist down from his ship into Bikini Bottom]
[gives candy to several trick-or-treaters] Happy Halloween! [the ghostly mist surrounds her and takes her soul from her body] What in Fort Worth...?
[Several trick-or-treaters run up to Mr. Krabs and Squidward, who are handing out candy]
TOTrick-Or-Treaters
Trick or treat!
[Suddenly, the Flying Dutchman's ghostly mist surrounds them and takes their souls from their bodies]
[The souls of Sandy, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward are being lifted in the air by the ghostly mist]
[The trick-or-treaters laugh and throw eggs and toilet paper at Squidward and Mr. Krabs' motionless bodies. Mr. Krabs growls in anger. Back inside the Flying Dutchman's ship, SpongeBob and Patrick are still riding the cart. Patrick is still afraid while SpongeBob continues to laugh, still thinking it's funny. SpongeBob stops laughing and sighs]
[her soul is in one of the Flying Dutchman's cages] SpongeBob! Patrick! Help me!!!
SpongeBob
[laughs] That almost looks like Sandy! [laughs]
[his and Plankton's souls are in two of the Flying Dutchman's cages] SpongeBob!
[his soul and Gary's are in two other cages] Help us!!!
SpongeBob
[laughs] That almost looked like Mr. Krabs and Squidward and Gary and Plankton! [giggles] Funny! Oh, Patrick, this is hysterical! [laughs] Why aren't you laughing? [giggles until he notices Patrick's motionless body] Patrick, what's wrong with you?
[his soul suddenly appears in one of the Flying Dutchman's cages] Help me, SpongeBob! My body's butt itches!
SpongeBob
Patrick, is this really happening? Hey, this isn't funny.
I was wrong, SpongeBob. Sometimes, scary equals scary!
SpongeBob
[screams at Patrick's motionless body] Hm? [pulls out his chalkboard, erases the word "funny," and replaces it with "AHHH!"] Yup. I got the same answer. Scary equals "AHHHHH!!!".
Success! I knew that would get him!
[SpongeBob is finally convinced that scary doesn't equal funny at all and screams in terror. His skeleton tears itself out of his body and runs off. SpongeBob's skin and skeleton run out of the ship. SpongeBob's skeleton and skin fall to the ground and attempt to run]
SSSpongeBob's Skeleton
That's the scariest thing I ever saw in my life!
SSSpongeBob's Skin
Me too! But we gotta go back.
SSSpongeBob's Skeleton
Go back?! Are you nuts?!
SSSpongeBob's Skin
Show a little backbone! We gotta save our friends!
SSSpongeBob's Skeleton
Oh, you're right, but I'm still scared. Will you hold my hand?
SSSpongeBob's Skin
Deal! [they both go back together and SpongeBob heads back to rescue his friends]
PPrisoners
Morning, Warden Krabs!
Morning, prisoners! [gasps in horror as he sees the prisoners back in their cells] SpongeBob! What is going on here? I set all these criminals free last night! What are they doing back in their cells?!
SpongeBob
Uh, Mr. Krabs, now's probably not the best time to— [Mr. Krabs shrinks back in fear]
[sits at a table eating her Krabby Patty] You know it's a crime to release prisoners early, don't ya? [eats her patty and approaches Mr. Krabs who realizes his error] You're going to prison, criminal. [handcuffs Mr. Krabs]
What? Oh, well, that's not so bad. Pencil me in for a 3:30 massage, SpongeBob.
[takes Mr. Krabs away] Oh, you're not staying here. The Krusty Krab is full. We got a new prison just for you.
[sadly] Oh no. Let me guess... [The scene changes to the Chum Bucket where Mr. Krabs is wearing his prison outfit and is placed in the same birdcage he used for Plankton. Mr. Krabs groans sadly]
Mealtime, prisoner! [laughs while throwing spoonfuls of raw chum in Mr. Krabs' face in an act of revenge for the all the painful torture he endured; Mr. Krabs cries in an agonizing defeat right before Plankton throws some chum into his mouth] Right in the mouth.
[Mr. Krabs knocks on the front door to SpongeBob's house.]
SpongeBob! SpongeBob? SpongeBob? Are you okay in there? You catch the flu or something? Ugh. Are you at death's door? Because you know darn well they ain't valid excuses to miss work! [peeks through the window and finds to his shocking surprise that SpongeBob is slithering on the floor with his tongue like a snail; SpongeBob eats some food from Gary's food bowl] Ah! SpongeBob has gone full raving loony. [hears something] Uh-oh! [hides underground as Gary appears]
♪Meow—meow—meow—meow—meow—meow—meow. Meow—meow—meow—meow—meow—meow.♪ [enters the house]
[Mr. Krabs peeks through the window again. He sees SpongeBob rubbing his head against the chair while Gary's reading the paper. Gary pets SpongeBob and holds out a snail toy for him to play. SpongeBob plays the toy with his eye. Mr. Krabs gasps and drills himself inside through the floor.]
What in the name of Neptune's nostrils is going on in here?! SpongeBob, you're acting like you're the pet and that darn snail is the owner!
[hits Mr. Krabs with the toy] Meow! Meow—meow—meow.
[grabs the toy] Bad snail! Down boy! [gets attacked by SpongeBob] SpongeBob, what are you— [gets licked and pummeled by SpongeBob until he pushes him off and shakes him violently] Oh, snap out of it, SpongeBob!
[SpongeBob doesn't respond. Mr. Krabs pulls out a Krabby Patty, breaks it in half and puts it under SpongeBob's nose. SpongeBob smells the patty's scent and shakes himself back to normal, snapping himself out of the strange trance.]
SpongeBob
[dazed] Mr. Krabs?
Have you completely lost your mind, boy-o? Snails ain't supposed to have arms and legs.
SpongeBob
Aww, but Gary is so happy with his new limbs.
[Gary files his new arms.]
Oh, is he? Well, it's time to cut this nonsense! [growls and goes to fight Gary] Ay! [growls at Gary viciously] Huh-hah! [leaps over to Gary and cuts the arms and legs, returning Gary back to his normal self]
[sniffs the severed limbs] Meow. [slithers over to his food bowl, removes SpongeBob's name and goes to eat his food]
SpongeBob
Welcome, sea chimps. I'm SpongeBob, your owner.
SCSea chimp king
Forget it, man. We're through with owners, and kings, and aquariums. Whoa! Now that looks like a swell place to live.
[All the sea chimps run into the Chum Bucket. Karen comes out with banana peels all over her monitor.]
[screams] Plankton! Abandon bucket!
Well, that's a write off. [takes out a remote and pushes a button]
[The button activates the Chum Bucket's hand. The hand picks up the restaurant and spins it around and around. The hand throws the restaurant out into the distance with the sea chimps still inside.]
SpongeBob
Bye, sea chimps! Have a good flight! It was so nice of you to help relocate the sea chimps, Plankton. You rule!
Not today, SpongeBob. Not today. [takes out his crown] But... someday! [puts it on and cackles evilly before Patrick swallows him and burps out the crown, as the episode transitions out]
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
