[About Duane]
He's made this personal.
I thought he made it personal when he slept with your girlfriend.
Well, he's made it more personal.
I don't think it gets much more personal than sleeping with your girlfriend, Tim.
S1 E4Battles
You know what they say about love and war.
Yeah, one involves a lot of physical and psychological pain and the other one's war.
See, Tim, that's the difference between you and I. Organization. Careful thinking. Forward planning. And that is why I sleep in the arms of a beautiful woman and you spend your evenings alone in your bedsit. With cheap porn.
It's not a bedsit. It's a flat. [Shoots Duane in the groin] Yes! [Turns and sees Mike on the ground] No Mike! Mike! Oh Jesus no! [Mike throws up paint out of his mouth] MEDIC!
Is that you Tim?
Yeah I'm here, man; just hold on, hold on!
I'm tired, Tim.
Just err... everything's going to be fine I promised. [Cries] I'm sorry I said those things, I just... wasn't thinking straight.
I can say some pretty stupid things myself sometimes.
No, Mike, I'm the stupid one. I've always been the stupid one. [Mike smiles] What are you laughing at?
I guess I got to be the hero after all.
Yeah, I guess you did.
I've gotta— I've gotta sleep.
No no, Mike, stay with me.
So tired, so tired. Goodbye old friend.
No, Mike! [Mike appears to die from his paintball injuries] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
So where is he then? The little dog? [Daisy squeaks and points at Brian] The headband, isn't it? Makes me look stupid?
[whimpering] Colin...!
...No, Daisy, it's me, Brian...
I think you're sitting on my dog....
S1 E5Chaos
In the end, our relationship was just like a sandwich toaster. You know, you just forget you've got one. And it just sits there on the top of the cupboard collecting a layer of greasy fudge. And even if you do see it you just assume it's broken, you think if it's working I'd be using it all the time, but you don't and it just sits there. Then one day, you get an overwhelming desire for toasted sandwiches, you know? And you get it down and it works, and you can't believe it, you know? And then you make every kind of toasted sandwich there is, you have toasted sandwich parties. You make Marmite and cheese, chocolate and...
Pilchards.
Banana and...
Acorns.
Acorns. And then as quickly as the desire comes, it just goes. And then you put the toasted sandwich maker away. And, you know what?
What?
You don't miss it.
So what you're saying is 'Don't hide the toasted sandwich maker away, use him regularly and you'll get the most out of him.'
No, she's saying 'Chuck your boyfriend, have a sandwich.'
When friends are concerned, sacrifices have to be made.
You mean we kill the dog?
[whilst nodding] No...
Spoil sport.
[About Colin the dog.]
How can you not like him? He's so cute. Aw...
Yeah, that's how it all starts, with oohs and ahs, but later there's barking and biting! He's a ticking timebomb of death, Daisy. You give him all the love in the world and spend years of your life doting on his little furry head, and then one day you get back from aerobics and there he is, panting over the half eaten remains of some hapless handyman you left fixing the tumble dryer.
We don't have a tumble dryer.
You will, my friend. You will.
Look, Tim, I know that I've been insensitive, and I do appreciate that you are riddled with deep seated psychological disorders—
Thank you.
[After an original Star Wars trilogy marathon]
You know, Brian, everything that happened in those movies can be attributed to the actions of one man.
Who?
The gunner on the Star Destroyer in the first film.
What d'you mean?
[chuckles in a knowing way] Well, if he'd shot the pod with R2 and 3PO in, they wouldn't have made it to Tatooine, they wouldn't have met Luke, Luke wouldn't have met Ben, they wouldn't have met Han and Chewie, they wouldn't have saved Princess Leia, none of it would have happened.
Chaos theory...
Eh?
The predictability of random events. The notion that reality as we know it—past, present, future—is in fact a mathematically predictable preordained system.
So somewhere out there in the vastness of the unknown is an... equation... for predicting the future?
An equation so complex as to utterly defy any possibility of comprehension by even the most brilliant human mind, but an equation nonetheless.
[In dawning realization] Oh my god...
What?
What?
I've got some fucking Jaffa Cakes in my coat pocket. [They all cheer; Tim sings] "Oh Mummy, oh Daddy, let's all play kabaddi."
Mike, I'll see you back here at twenty-two hundred hours. Everyone else, I'll see you back here at ten.
[Assigning code names]
Mike, you're Luke. Brian, you're Chewie. Daisy, you're Leia. Twist, you're...Jabba.
Is Jabba the princess?
EEveryone
Yes.
S1 E6Epiphanies
[Tim speaks to Mike on the phone]
What you doing playing Army on a Sunday morning, you're missing Grange Hill!
The T.A is no game Tim!
It isn't the T.A Mike, it's the Rough Ramblers.
You're a civilian, you don't understand. You're thinking, "It's Sunday. I'd rather be in bed."
Yeah, and you're thinking, "It's Sunday. I'd rather be in Apocalypse Now."
[Mike blows a bird whistle]
That's easy for you to say. What you doing later on?
It's classified.
Well, why don't you come round? Look, I'm bored.
I can't. Combat canoeing. I'm going to do an Eskimo Roll with a two stone rucksack in my bag, along with a loaded rifle.
They don't have rifles in the Rough Ramblers Mike.
Hand grenades?
No!
Anthrax?
Mike!
Listen Tim. I Gotta go. Looks like we're moving out. Roger. Bravo. Tango. Alpha!
[Mike puts the phone down, and sees some kids carrying a canoe over]
KKid
Come on, Mike!
[Mike gives the kids a thumbs up]
[Tim opens the door and sees Mike]
How is she?
The fibreglass on the outer casing was severely damaged in the incident.
What happened?
Showing off Tim, I had 15 rocks in my rucksack, instead of the regulation 5. I knew something was wrong when I got her in the water, she was sitting so low, so low. But I didn't stop Tim, 15 rocks in my rucksack and everyone knew it.
So what happened when you rolled?
I lost control of the vessel 2 feet from the shore. When I struggled to right her, I banged it into the jetty, damaging the canoe's carcass.
[Tim nods and listens on]
The "Ramble" Leader, had to dive in and rescue me from beneath the canoe.
So it wasn't so much an Eskimo roll, it was more of a case of rolling right Inuit.
[Mike stares, confused]
Inuit's another word for Eskimo!
[Mike sobs] I've been thrown out Tim. The Rough Ramblers don't want me anymore!
[Tries to comfort Mike] Come on. Come on. Come on.
(I've gotta) face it Tim, I'm not the big man, not the leader. Noone's ever gonna look up to me. I feel like a failure.
You're not a failure, Mike, you're not! You're too good for them, they're not ready for you, You're a renegade, you're a soldier of fortune.
Like the A-Team.
Yeah, you're like Mr. T. but white and hairy. And I feel sorry for anyone who says you're not.
I pity the fool.
I pity the fool.
[Mr. T voice] I ain't goin' on no plane, sucka!
[irritable] Stop that.
[Preparing to go out clubbing]
I had to dress up as an elderly Israeli woman once.
Really?
I didn't have to.
We should talk.
TTyres
Last night was an A-1, tip top clubbing jam fair. It was a sandwich of fun on ecstasy bread, wrapped up in a big bag like disco fudge. It doesn't get much better than that, I just wish sometimes I could control these FOCKING MOOD SWINGS! [calmer] So what did youse two 'friends' do last night?
We just stayed in, didn't we, had a laugh, played Scrabble.
We're going to a club later on, do you wanna come out?
(through the door) Don't go to clubs.
Come on, Brian, what d'you mean you don't go to clubs?
[peeks out] I'm working, Tim. Working. D'you understand.
No...
Trying to....avoid...cliches...by not actually placing my brush on the canvas.
Right...
I'm using my penis.
Finally.
D'you want to see?
No, just about to have my tea...
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