[After practicing introducing himself in a mirror]
Brian. Painter. Loser. Big... fucking loser.
S1 E3Art
[noticing Brian at the after-show party] Oh Brian, you came!
No, I just spilt my drink.
I can't believe some of the shit I used to do with you!
[On Resident Evil] It's a subtle blend of lateral thinking and extreme violence.
What, like "It's A Knock Out"?
[After Brian has received his party invite]
So are you going to go?
I don't know. I haven't seen her for ages.
No. I mean, are you going to go, now?
Oh, yeah. [He leaves]
Brian's coming up.
Why'd he phone?
I dunno, why'd he paint his arse blue last week?
You don't like him, do you?
No, I do. I just think he's a bit pretentious.
[Brian enters, wearing a very loud waistcoat]
How do you think I look?
Bit pretentious?
Do you think I should lose the waistcoat?
I think you should burn it. Because if you lose it, you might find it again.
[Inspired by Tim's punching of Vulva]
Vulva turned me into a monkey! I'm not a monkey! I'm a man! A monkey... man!
So what happened last night then?
Well we went to see an interesting piece of contemporary theatre, drank an enormous amount of free wine, ate our body-weight in Twiglets and you punched an artist in the face.
Shit, I'm not supposed to eat Twiglets.
Why not?
They make me violent.
Where are you?
Uh, Sheffield.
What are you doing in Sheffield?
I fell asleep on the tube.
The tube doesn't go to Sheffield, Mike.
Yeah, I know, I, uh, must have changed at Kings Cross.
Alright, well don't fall asleep on the way back, ok?
[Mike falls asleep on the phone]
Mike?
Now come on! There's no reason to stay here any longer than necessary! Let's split up, look for survivors and get out of here!
S1 E4Battles
You're so damaged; just because Sarah hurt you, you feel justified in wreaking your petty vengeance on womankind.
Yes... yes... and I'd do it again, I tell you, I'd do it again in an instant! [Laughs manically then jumps out of the window]
Can I borrow a tea-bag?
[sarcastically] Only if you bring it back. [pauses] You can HAVE a tea-bag, Brian, you can't borrow one.
What are you playing?
Tomb Raider 3.
She's drowning.
Yeah.
Is that the point of the game?
Depends what mood you're in really.
What sort of mood are you in then?
Well, I got a letter from my ex-girlfriend this morning, 3 months too late, explaining why she dumped me. It was full of 'you'll always be special' and 'I'll always love you' platitudes designed to make me feel better whilst simultaneously appeasing her deep seated sense of guilt for dumping me, running off with a slimy little city boy called Duane and destroying my faith in everything which is good and pure.
So it didn't really work then.
No, it made me wanna drown things! [turns around, sees Brian dressed as a painting] You've got paint on you.
It's a literal tribute to the self reflexivity of Rembrandt.
Did he like it?
He's dead.
Bloody hell, that really backfired.
C'mon, Colin! We're taking you away from this place.
Colin?
That's what I called my box.
PPPaintball player
Gosh, this is so exciting!
This your first time, kid?
PPPaintball player
I'm thirty-six.
This your first time, old man?
PPPaintball player
Yeah. I've always fancied myself as a bit of a soldier.
Yeah, I've always fancied myself.
I've always fancied you...
[quickly] Not here!
PPPaintball player
You've done this before, then?
You could say that.
PPPaintball player
What do you mean?
Well, let's just say the last time I was in this situation, I wasn't using a paintball gun.
PPPaintball player
[in awe] You've seen combat?
Yes, yes I have.
PPPaintball player
Where?
Umm, on the television!
PPPaintball player
But you just said the last time you were in this situation you didn't use a paintball gun!
He didn't.
PPPaintball player
Well, what did you use?
Erm, it was a big stick...?
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