Richard Hendriks quotes from Silicon Valley

It began as a innocent celebration of our arbitration victory. I ordered a kombucha, which I did not realize contained alcohol. It was described to me as a healthy, organic tea. Next thing I knew, I was 70 miles away, wrapped naked in a blanket, shaking off a meth high, and facing charges for attacking a police horse with a shovel.

Richard

Oh. Holy shit.

From a legal standpoint, it was a clear violation of my parole, and I must now serve my entire sentence...

Richard

Okay.

...and any additional time stemming from the new charges, which continue to accrue. But I'm owning my mistakes. Oh. I am staying positive. Enough about me. Let's take a look at that contract. Okay. I would red-line it, but... I'm not allowed to have a pencil.

Jack Barker

Let me tell you a story. In 1999, Google was a little startup, just like we are. And when they started bringing in chefs and masseuses, we thought, "They're nuts!" But they were attracting the best possible people, and they were able to create the best product, and now they're worth over $400 billion. And do you know the name of that company?

Richard

Google, right? You said it at the beginning of the story.

Jack Barker

[beat] You're right. I did that wrong.

This is where we would install a Pied Piper engineer.

Richard

Sorry. Why, exactly, would we need to be here?

Your sales representative promised 24-hour-a-day, on-site maintenance... at least for the first year.

Gilfoyle

So, one of us would have to be down here for a year?

Dinesh

Even at night?

There's really no difference between day and night down here, so it makes things easy.

Richard

Okay, well, we should probably get going. Now.

Jack Barker

Take a look at the Conjoined Triangles of Success. Now, what do those two triangles make together?

Richard

A square?

Jack Barker

A box! They make a box. You can't make that shit up.

Richard

But you literally did make it up.

Jack Barker

Yes, I did. And now they teach it at business schools.

Jared

Wait. We can't enjoy going to work. Meinertzhagen's haversack.

Richard

What?

Jared

Meinertzhagen's haversack. [beat] No one? Really? [silence] No one's heard of Meinertzhagen's haversack?

Erlich

Of course I have, Jared. Just explain it to them.

Richard

[while testing a prototype for the box, the device signals an error] What the fuck? Why isn't this working? Gilfoyle's preprocessor and my compressor should integrate seamlessy. This should work.

Gilfoyle

I may have made my preprocessor slightly faster than you asked me to do, Richard.

Richard

What do you mean? How much slightly faster?

Gilfoyle

200 megs per second.

Dinesh

You dick. That's eight times as fast as the specs required. No wonder our modules aren't running at the same speed. Why would you do that?

Gilfoyle

I tried to make it slow. I really did. But I'm not Dinesh. It's very difficult for me to do shitty work.

I will have my office set up an interview. But I want you to present yourself well, Richard. Be showered, groomed, well-dressed. And you will need to sit down with our head of PR beforehand to go over talking points.

Richard

Why?

Because you are in an emotional state, and when you are emotional, you become highly inarticulate.

Richard

Well, I don't say that's true.

Richard

Hey. Uh, how do I look?

Erlich

If I'm being honest, like a ventriloquist dummy.

Richard

Uh...Okay. Well, you know, that's actually kind of fitting, because I'm on my way to Raviga right now to meet with a PR person to tell me exactly what to say to a report and how to say it.

Erlich

Well, that does make sense. You do tend to babble on when you're under pressure.

Richard

Why does this thing people says?

Erlich

Why indeed?

Richard

Wait, so she lied? Why would she lie about using the beta?

Gilfoyle

Yeah, why would Dinesh lie about having friends? Why would Tara lie to me about fucking other guys when we have a totally open and hedonistic relationship that allows for behavior like that? Because people like to lie, Richard. It's a war of all against all. The history of humanity is a book written in blood. We're all just animals in a pit.

Richard

I feel very sad.

Dinesh

Fucking Gilfoyle.

Richard

Hey, Dinesh. I'm just, um, looking for Erlich. Have you seen him?

Dinesh

Oh, he went to the liquor store. Gotta keep the party going, you know?

Richard

Oh yeah. Yeah, Series B. Crazy, right?

Dinesh

Oh, it's unreal.

Richard

Yeah.

Dinesh

Almost like some of our users.

Richard

What? What... what does that mean?

Dinesh

Oh, "unreal" has so many meanings. "Fake," "paid for," "one person in Bangladesh pretending to be 6,000..."

Richard

Okay. Um... All right, Dinesh, um...

Dinesh

Oh, no. I don't want to know a fucking thing.

Richard

Okay then. Great. I won't tell you anything because nothing happened.

Dinesh

Great. Okay.

Gilfoyle

But if something did happen, and we're not saying it did, the fact remains that leaves us in a very advantageous position.

Dinesh

There's a lot of money on the table. And it would be a shame if that went away. You know what else would be a shame... is if I couldn't find my flash drive. Gilfoyle, have you seen my flash drive?

Gilfoyle

Right, the one with the zombie script on it?

Dinesh

Why yes, the zombie script that randomizes user action in platforms such as Pied Piper.

Gilfoyle

You mean so that fake users and click farms would be absolutely indistinguishable from real users?

Dinesh

Oh, I suppose. I mean, especially during due diligence, like the kind done by VCs or possible future reviews done by certain regulatory bodies. It also had photos of my auntie. Anyway, Gilfoyle, have you seen it?

Gilfoyle

I have not.

Dinesh

Mm, well, Richard, [places a flash drive on the ground] keep an eye out for it, will ya? Hey, Gilfoyle, you wanna come inside and help me get a new flash drive on WWW.staples.com?

Gilfoyle

Yeah, I think we're sort of done with the ruse.

Russ

It's like this: you're trying to date a woman, but deep down in your heart you know you're gay.

Richard

Uh...

Russ

But deep in your soul you know you would be rather plowing a dude!

Richard

I don't...OK, what dude?

Russ

It could be any dude as long you really want to fuck him. It could be a twink, a bear, an otter, a circuit queen, a chub, a pup, a giftster, a daddy chaser, a leather man, a lady boy, a Donald Duck.

Russ

A Donald Duck is a gay guy that's been kicked out of the navy.

Richard

How do you know so many gay things?

Russ

My grandfather just came out of the closet. Beautiful. Very inspiring.

Russ

Fuck you, Richard Hendricks!

Richard

Fuck me regarding...

Russ

It's all over the blogs. You took our idea to Gavin Belson?

Richard

Whoa. I'm sorry. Our idea?

Russ

Yeah, the new Internet. We came up with that together, standing outside of my kid's school. Former school.

Richard

Uh, no, um, you told me to name an idea, and so I named one. That was my idea, you were just standing there.

Russ

Yeah, pulling it out of you like a newborn baby.

Richard

Okay, but, well, if a doctor pulls a baby out of a pregnant woman, the doctor doesn't get to then keep the baby.

Russ

Okay, first of all, my ex-wife is fucking the doctor that delivered my son, and they're suing for full custody, so you're wrong.

Richard

I would like an STD check.

What, did you graze your penis against a toilet seat?

Richard

No, I had sex.

Sex with what?

Richard

A female.

A female what?

Richard

A female human! And I don't know this woman very well, and we didn't use a condom.

Now, listen, Richard, I wouldn't worry so much. People don't really get STDs anymore. We'll get your tests back soon, and I would tell you not to have sex before then, but let's face it lightning ain't gonna strike twice, is it?

You see this? This is a song I bought at a copyright auction. It's an old mariachi number that had cost me practically nothing and so far has bought me two houses and put my village idiot grandson through six years of Emerson.

Richard

Oh. All that from "Cancion De Amores"? Was it a popular song?

No, I used the copyright on this song to sue writers of all kinds of songs. Anyway, the writers usually settle, pay me off, or give me a chunk of their song. Thanks to "Cancion De Amores" here, I now own 10 percent of Katrina and the Waves' "Walking on Sunshine."

Richard

Mmm.

It's a classic! And when it runs next month on Mazda's new Super Bowl spot, I print money. But sadly, all the good music copyrights are gone.

Richard

[sarcastically] That is so sad.

And that's why I moved into tech. And now, I sue people like you.

Richard

What the fuck? You just gave our proprietary technology to this asshole without even running it by me first? Are you serious?

Dinesh

We were just hanging out, and he was like, "We should try it," and he said we could delete it, and then he started getting really excited. And then he said, you know, "You're doing it," a bunch of times, and then we did it. And then we started getting really excited... and it was so exciting.

Gilfoyle

And it worked, the VR is rad now.

Richard

Gilfoyle... "rad"? You are wearing the exact same pajamas as Dinesh, and you're saying "rad" now? You have been sucked entirely into his little Keenan vortex. Okay.

Gilfoyle

[looks at himself] I grant you, with [clears throat] the benefit of even a second's distance, this isn't a good look.