Richard Hendriks quotes from Silicon Valley

Dinesh

His balls? He put his balls on the table?

Richard

Right on the table.

Jared

On purpose?

Richard

I don't see how it could be by accident.

Erlich

[Entering] Richard, I just got an email from the guys at Midland-Oak. Apparently, there is a line, and I crossed it... The line between $12 and $15 million!

Did you work on Pied Piper on Hooli time or use Hooli equipment to develop it in any way - at any time, Richie?

Richard

No, and no.

Great. And by the way, always tell me that and tell yourself that. Because if you believe it, a jury will, too.

Richard

Oh, I... I do believe it. It's the truth.

Great. That one was even better than the other one. I love it. Always say it exactly like that.

Richard

Once we get a few customers and start a subscription-revenue model.

Russ

What? Revenue? No, no, no, no, no. No. If you show revenue, people will ask "How much?" And it will never be enough, but if you have no revenue, you can say you're per-revenue. You're a potential pure play. It's not about how much you earn, it's about what you're worth. And who's worth the most? Companies that lose money. Pinterest, Snap chat... No revenue. Amazon has lost money every fucking quarter for the last 20 fucking years, and that Bezos motherfucker is the king.

Richard

It says here on your resume that from 2010 to 2011 you "crushed it"?

That's actually an old resume. It should also read that I crushed it from 2013 to present.

Jared

So are we to understand that you did not "crush it" in 2012?

There was a medical situation preventing me from crushing it to my usual standards. So I had to take some time off until I was able to crush it at 100%, at which point I resumed crushing it full-time.

Erlich

You see this, Richard? What is this?

Richard

A spoon?

Erlich

It's a wide spoon. In fact, the only spoon type that is left in this drawer. I specifically posted a note on the refrigerator saying that the more narrow spoons be reserved for the eating of Fage yogurt by me. Look at this... the angle's all wrong.

Richard

Aren't you supposed to just tip that little plastic cup part up and dump the jam into the yogurt?

Erlich

How would you know that? Have you been eating my Fage yogurts?

Richard

No, I saw it on the billboards.

Erlich

Well, what they don't tell you on the billboards is that you can't get all of it out... look at that! You have to dig it out. But you can't dig it out with these big-as-hell, wide fucking spoons.

Russ

Know what has three commas in it, Richard?

Richard

Uh, a sentence with two appositive phrases in it?

Russ

No, a billion dollars. Yeah, I'm in the three-comma club. You know, you play your cards right, you could be in the three-comma club, too. But probably not. But you could be. Probably not.

Erlich

[laughing throughout] To his face? You called him that to his face?

Richard

How could not mention the colostomy bag?

Erlich

Because it's a very private and personal matter, it's not a laughing matter.

Richard

You called him Double Asshole first. Remember, in college?

Erlich

Yeah, but not to his face, never to his face! Not even I'm that fucking cruel! But you are!

Richard

I'm actually not.

Erlich

You tore Double Asshole a third asshole! Triple-A!

Would you guys like some water while you wait? We have four flavors, and the cartons are made from locally sourced organic...

Richard

Yeah, we get it. You're funded.

Richard

I mean, you're not exactly broke, right?

Russ

I might as well be. $986 million? I'm not a billionaire anymore, Richard. I'm a nine-hundred- and-eighty-sixionaire, which isn't even a fucking thing. I'm out of the Three Comma Club. Functionally, I'm just like you. Jesus, fuck, that's depressing.

Richard

Right. But you're still, basically, a billionaire.

Russ

Not if you round down. If you round down, I have zero billion.

Richard

I... I don't understand. How does Intersite have all this money to throw around?

Erlich

It's pornography, Richard.

Jared

Adult content has driven more important tech adaption than anything. The first fiction ever published on a printing press was an erotic tale, and from there, it was Super 8 film, Polaroid, home video, digital, video on demand...

Monica

Credit card verification systems, Snapchat. Pornography accounts for 37% of all Internet traffic.

Erlich

38 when I'm on it.

Richard

Well, did you hack into it or not?

Gilfoyle

My feeling is, if you're the CEO of a company, and you're dumb enough to leave your login info on Post-It note on your desk, while the people that you fucking ripped off are physically in your office, it's not a hack. It's barely social engineering. It's more like natural selection.

Richard

Well, I mean, we have an unemployed and very pissed off systems guy, who very publicly threatened to skull-fuck our whole system.

Gilfoyle

He's not gonna do shit. He's a coder.

Dinesh

By definition, we're all pussies.

Pete

Was I in possession of cocaine, amphetamines, aryl nitrite, also known as poppers at the time of my arrest? In large quantities. Did I have consensual intercourse with two women under the age of eighteen? Repeatedly. I admit this. Did I violate the Mann Act and transport them across state lines for sexual purposes? Alleged, but not proven. And boy they tried, they tried. Therefore, I was incarcerated and I was disbarred.

Richard

Wait, hold on. You were disbarred?

Jared

So you can't practice law?

Pete

Not in open court. In the state of California that's correct, but this is arbitration. I'm really grateful for the opportunity. I'm turning my life around. I've served my time. Questions?

Richard

I guess I have one at least um, what does aryl nitrite do?

Jared

Oh it dilates the anus.

Pete

That is accurate. Also produces euphoria.

Richard

OK thank you uh, Pete, and Jared.

Jared

Sure.

Erlich

Anal dilation aside, what do you think of uh, our case? Could we go in there and just dick slap those Hooli pieces of shit?

Pete

I have reviewed your case, and it is extremely strong.

Jared

Thank god.

Pete

I do, every day of my life. It's only by his grace that I was able to survive that plunge into the ravine in 11 months in a state penitentiary.

Richard

So were you, were you in an emotional ravine or did you actually go, into a ravine?

Pete

Both. Now, with your approval, I would like to move forward. I, am not in possession of an office, and I'm residing in a halfway house, so I would like to give Hooli Legal your home address.

Now, Pied Piper, you've conceded on all of these minor counts. Accordingly, on the count of wrongful solicitation, I find Richard Hendricks did indeed breach his contract with Hooli when he hired away a Hooli employee, one Donald Dunn, a.k.a. Jared, a.k.a. O.J., apparently. But this is where things get interesting. Mr. Belson, there is language in this contract that the California Supreme Court has deemed unlawful. Preventing Mr. Dunn from seeking employment elsewhere is a violation of his rights. Are you aware of this?

I was not, but I'm willing to drop that count altogether if it makes things easier.

Well, here's the thing. This clause was unlawful when you included it in Mr. Hendricks' employment agreement.

Right, as I said, I'm willing to just move past this.

See, again, I don't think you understand. If Mr. Hendricks hadn't hired Mr. Dunn, or you hadn't pursued him for that hire, I'm not sure I would've noticed the violation. But you did, so I did.

Richard

[whisper] What's happening?

Pete

Justice, baby.

And what I find is, this is an unenforceable contract. It is null and void. So effectively, Mr. Hendricks never had a valid employment agreement with Hooli. As a result, Hooli has no claim of ownership to Pied Piper's underlying IP. That is my ruling, and per your arbitration agreement, it is binding and final. Thank you, everyone.

[to his lawyers] What the fuck just happened?! We lost?! You gotta be fucking kidding me!

Richard

We won? We won, right? I mean, Pied Piper is ours?

Pete

Richard, not long ago, emergency workers pulled me out of the flaming wreckage of my Mercury Grand Marquis. Today, you pulled me out of the flaming wreckage of my life, and those flames burned far hotter. For that, I thank you.

Richard

Yeah...you're welcome.

Pete

I used to take a tampon, soak it in grain alcohol, and stick it up into my rectum. That got me high, Richard, but not half as high as the drug you just gave me. You know what that drug's called?

Richard

No.

Pete

A second chance.

Richard

They can't really do this, can they?

I think they just did. You remember that shit deal you brought me from Hanneman, and I said, "Hey, Richie, this is a shit deal," but you took it anyway because you wanted to do something crazy for once in your life?

Richard

Yes, I remember.

Well, you basically just loaded a gun and handed it to Hanneman, and Hanneman sold that gun to Raviga, and then Raviga just fucking pistol-whipped you. But hey, at least they're letting you keep your shares and your board seat. You lose a little blood with the dilution for the new CEO, but I've seen worse... like that shit deal you brought me from Hanneman.