Shameless · Season 1
Hey, there's someone downstairs who's calling you sweetheart.
Helene!
It's my husband.
Husband? Are you kidding?
Up here!
The fuck are you doing? Shit.
[Helene's husband enters bedroom and Helene breaks out laughing]
Who's this?
Welcome home. This is Lip. He's quite bright.
Hungry? I just got back from a conference. Starving. How would you like your omelet?
Uh, whatever.
[Neo Nazi skinhead grabs a freshly swastika forehead tattooed Chuckie as his partner seat with Chuckie nodding silently with a blank face]
You're with us.
I know what you did.
You're with G-Dogg? I didn't mean to lose the drugs. Tell him I'll get all of his money back somehow
We know you ain't snitch. Could have gave him up. Could have made things easier for yourself. But you kept your mouth shut.
And how's the lovely Ms. Muff Bulldagger.
Fiery and full of lust.
Yeah?
Like a coked-up Amish teenager.
I can't offer you much, but what I can do is-- is be your chauffeur on the limousine ride to the pearly gates!
You know what? Drop the whole "noble thug" shtick. You're covering your own ass and you know it. You-- you have a choice right now. To recognize that you are a promising young college student, not some ghetto outlaw. You stop behaving like the world is out to get you when it is so clearly dropping gifts at your feet. Or you keep doing what you're doing and you end up in a cell somewhere angry and out of options.
You heard the lady. She don't want to go home with you.
Mind your business, dumbass.
You just call me a dumbass?
Bartender, can you serve this melonhead some IQ points?
...
You got a real mouth on you, pal.
Yeah, most humans with a face do.
Listen, listen, Ian, I want you to know you are a really good kid with a big heart. You have some hard times ahead of you, but you're gonna do great. [Two burly Army MPs appear from both sides of the house] Okay. Gentlemen, this is Ian Gallagher. I think they're ready to take him to jail now.
[In a liquor store] I never liked the smell.
Every man, woman, and child should experience a single malt before their time is up, and it can't just be any bottle. Every whiskey is different.
Can I help you?
[To clerk] Uh... we got this covered. [To Bianca] You see, there's the Lowland area, Highland, Islay, Campbeltown. You have to factor in age, what kind of oak they use to--
[To clerk] What's your most expensive whiskey?
Let's see, I've got a 30-year Highland Park for 300 and change.
Mm-hmm. That's the best?
I've got a Macallan '39 in back. Distilled while World War II was breaking out.
Mm.
Only bottled a limited number.
H-how much?
$10,100.
You're serious?
It's for investors, but, um... this Highland Park is a true whiskey--
We'll take the whatever you said... from World War II.
The Macallan?
Right. [To clerk] I said I'll take it.
Uh... excuse me.
[To clerk] Throw in a couple of those Dominican cigars over there.
I'm sure it's good hooch, but for ten fucking grand?
I'm not gonna be alive to pay off my credit card. What does it matter?
Such wisdom from one so young.
Meanwhile, I'm fantasizing about setting Sammi's fucking clothes on fire while she's wearing them...
...
...Sarah closes out your tables, I pull glass from your hand, you refrain from setting people on fire...
[Sammi walks into house with a box]
Need a little help with that?
No thanks.
Are you sure? [Grabs box and attempts to intimidate her]
[Holds out a revolver and points it in Mickey's face] Yes I'm sure you inbred hoodlum piece of wet dogshit...
...
...Then excuse me while I go visit my son, who, thanks to all of you, is in juvie and will probably celebrate his 14th birthday there.
...
...Family sucks ass.
I know people who take that shit real serious.
What do you mean?
I mean people who will slip that bitch a roofie, strap her to a chair, and pull her fucking teeth out.
Is he serious? Because I'm on parole.
[Monica is sitting by a truck driver]
I had an aunt who lived south of Phoenix somewhere, and she had oranges and lemon trees growing right in her yard. She'd make us cookies at the holidays, you know? Those Christmas trees with the green icing on top. And then she'd put those little silver sugar balls on 'em, like ornaments. She would make dozens of them and mail them up to us. Most of them got broken, but you can piece 'em together and they're still good, you know?
That central market's like a narco Kmart. Guy offered me a gallon jug of Propofol for 50 bucks.
Liam. Plate. Sink.
...
There's a Russian prostitute in my kitchen talking diaper genies and infant diarrhea with my husband. So are you and Kev...
Giving it another try.
That's great.
Yeah.
Is that a hickey?
Yeah.
What?
Are those teeth marks? Tell that boy no teeth. Just lip and suction.
Didn't you have the talk?
"The talk"?
Birds and bees. His thing, her thing.
She's on the pill.
...
The pill at 13?
14, she's almost 15.
Really? Well, I guess she should. I started at 11.
11?
Yeah. Developed early. Boys started sniffing around when I was 10, grown men by the time I was 11. Mama had to beat 'em off with a claw hammer. The deacons at the church were the worst. Nothing but hands.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Shameless pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
