Daisy Kelso stole my date.
You never got payback?
Mm-mm. She did him in the bathroom of a Popeyes Chicken.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Yo, if you're gonna smoke an illegal substance, you could at least do it in the privacy of your own shitty dorm room.
JJoaquin
Eh, it'll be the most fun I've had since I got here. Everybody in my computer science classes are bitter Stanford rejects.
Not you?
JJoaquin
Oh, I got into Stanford. [Inhales sharply on a joint while looking down with a blank face] Too much sun in California.
Right.
When I woke up this morning, this is not how I saw my day ending. With a derelict getting stoned.
Derelict.
Is that offensive?
I've been called worse.
Those times you almost died, was it peaceful or scary or...
What's peaceful about dying? I don't care how much they meditate. When the time comes, those Hindus will be shitting their pants just like the rest of us. You know what they'll be thinking? "Fuck, I wish I'd tried steak".
[Bianca laughs]
You ever streak before?
Many times. Just never on purpose.
JGJudge Gaither
Would the defendant like to say anything? Charles?
Chuckie!
What?!
JGJudge Gaither
Would you like to say anything before sentencing?
Okay!
I would, Your Honor. I'm his mom. May I speak? My Chuckie is a good boy. The only thing he's ever stolen was my heart. But he was taken advantage of by an older family member. If you're gonna blame anyone, you should blame his uncle Carl or the family who raised him or me, for putting an innocent boy in a den of wolves.
[Carl is led into the courtroom]
Well, if I didn't know better, I'd think he's an upstanding young man.
Just like Ted Bundy.
CSCarl's lawyer
He is sorry for what he's done, and he has learned from the experience.
JGJudge Gaither
Do you regret what you've done, Carl?
I did something really dumb that I shouldn't have. I trusted a fucking retard with a man's job. Next time I move a bunch of drugs, I'll be smarter.
JGJudge Gaither
If you want to go into my chambers and speak to me off the record, now is the time. Otherwise, you will end up in juvenile prison. Is that what you want?
Yes, please.
JGJudge Gaither
That's not what I was hoping to hear.
I know what you were hoping to hear. If Your Honor would lose 20 pounds, I would consider tapping that.
JGJudge Gaither
I think I've heard enough.
...
Why the fuck did you do that, Carl?
When Paul Sugden came out of juvie, he knew how to make IEDs and where to launder money. You can't buy that kind of education. Plus, my street cred will be off the chain. Don't worry, I'm gonna make juvie my bitch.
Any chance he'll get scared straight?
[Whole family expresses absolute doubt]
He'll end up running the joint.
[Bianca knocks on door of residence with Frank standing to side and woman answers]
DDaisy
Can I help you?
Daisy Kelso?
DDaisy
It's Rigby now. Do I know you?
DSDaisy's son
[Appears] Who is it, mommy?
Oh, hi.
DDaisy
Bianca, is that you?
Yeah.
DDaisy
My God, haven't seen you since... Prom.
Yeah.
DDaisy
How are you?
Good. Now?
Now.
[Bianca punches Daisy in the face with her falling down and her son screams]
Run, run, run!
DSDaisy's son
[Daisy is gasping] Mommy!
Do you think I broke her nose?
You took out a tooth for sure.
[Both Frank and Bianca are yelling and laughing]
LSLip's finance counsellor
Pairing boobs with anything is apparently a very good business plan.
[Greeting woman at dorm door] Hey, I'm here to escort you to a world of pleasure. [Enters room filled with young men] Oh, uh, hey. What's up, fellas? No offense, but the Rapewalker doesn't do gangbangs. I mean, you could be fucking a chick, but if you're getting off surrounded by a bunch of dudes, that's pretty gay.
Thanks, Michelle. You can go now. [She leaves room]
Her leaving did not make this feel less gay. Her leaving did not make this feel less gay.
So you're the Rapewalker. Word's getting around that you're a real... gentleman with the coeds. Walking them home. Making sure they cum before you do.
Well, it's important to treat a girl right.
Well, it's kind of fucking things up for the rest of us! I mean, if you want to treat a girl right, go get a wife!
You're right. But I already have one. [Shows picture of Veronica on phone]
Damn, that's your wife?!
Mm-hmm.
Smoking hot, huh? Wow, dude. Look at that. Fuck. Those tits real? Oh, man.
None of your fucking business.
Why would you leave that?
It's so simple in your 20s because you fall in love, you make bank when your girl posts videos of herself masturbating online. But then one day, you wake up, the bills are piled up, babies crying in your face. Everything's just so fucking hard. And the one thing that was easy, her, it's the hardest of all.
Yeah, but she's really hot. She bad in the sack or something?
She can do more with the flick of her tongue than girls here can do gyrating their entire bodies. [He starts jerking his head back with widening eyes that seems to say; now-you-see-what-a-condescending-schmuck-you-are?] That's what happens when you marry the best. No matter how many girls there are, they're still not V. Hey, thank you, man! This was a great talk!
Uh, yeah, no, I just can't figure out, you know, what's-- you know, what's in it for him?
Might need to get used to it, Lip. The world picking you up. There it is.
What?
That angst. Just like Schiele.
Yeah, that's the second time you mentioned her. I mean, who the hell is this Sheila chick?
Egon Schiele, an Austrian painter.
You know, what I fantasize about is my PO in pain, his family in pain. Doing to him what he's doing to me. And all it would take to make everything I'm feeling go away is one visit to a street corner. Bobby, Kilpatrick and Maypole. Needle, spoon, little bag of dope. 'Cause if I move, that's where I'm going. So I'm not gonna move. I'm gonna try like hell not to move.
If we're gonna sit out here, you need this.
[Fiona goes into Sean's place, finds a jacket and brings it out, draping it on Sean]
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