Shameless · Season 1
[Frank and Carl are sitting on a curb]
All that money. All that fucking money wasted on child amputees, for Christ's sake. There's a lesson here, son. Charity is accepting help from others, not the other way around.
Okay.
And taking prescription medications while drinking and then smoking pot and then smoking crack can lead to questionable decisions.
Uh, favorite Eagle?
Bald.
Oh, come on. The band, and the correct answer is Joe Walsh.
Dad never came home with my trailer.
[Scoffs] He's not coming home with your trailer.
What?
There's no money. Never will be.
But Dad said...
He lied. It's a Gallagher rite of passage, realizing he let you down. He always will. First time's the hardest, but, hey, it means you really are a Gallagher now.
[Enters The Alibi bar]
Whiskey. The fucking bottle.
What's got you so riled up?
Leave me the fuck alone.
Hey, maybe I can help. I'd consider bringing you home, but I don't have one at the moment. Wouldn't stop us from paying a visit to the alley. I don't mind being bent over for the right guy.
Guess that makes every other guy in her the right fucking guy.
Oh, excuse me for having a shitty day and wanting to let off some steam.
Not my type.
Bet I could be.
Bet you couldn't.
What's your type?
Redhead.
I am downstairs.
Batshit crazy.
Check.
Packing nine inches. [Holds up both hands to indicate measurement]
I did it this time.
This time?
I saved David.
That man is not David.
Yes, he is.
Well, then I fucked our son.
You slept with our son?
He is not our son!
What'd he want?
Eight ball, but he wouldn't cough up the five benjamins.
$500? Eight ball's $280.
It is?
You got crib notes, and you still can't get it right. You're straight up dumb.
So I guess now is not the time to ask for a raise up in here?
You are on seriously thin ice, Bieber. And you still owe me 100 bucks.
[Before the recap flashbacks segment]
You don't think I have enough to do around here? Jesus. I'm not your fucking mother. Here's what you missed last week on Shameless.
...
[Fiona is punching Jimmy in the face outside her diner]
Motherfucker! Jesus!
Where the fuck have you been?!
I'm bleeding!
You disappear, you don't return my calls, my texts?!
I had something come up! [Gets slapped] Oh, fuck! Ouch! Fuck! Stop hitting me! [Fiona kicks him in the behind] God damn it! Enough! Enough with the hitting! Are you done?!
Where, Jimmy, where?!
I was incommunicado for a while!
For weeks, for months?!
About a year. On a boat. A yacht, actually!
And not a call?! Not a text?!
I was handcuffed to a metal pipe in the engine room, pissing into an old malagueta can!
For a year?!
For a while, yeah. And then I was slave labor in a Brazilian coca processing facility. Not much of a facility, really-- just some tents in the rainforest guarded by ladies with moustaches and AK-47s. Oh, and I caught malaria too. That knocked me out for a few months.
That's bullshit!
And then I escaped into the jungle when the DEA showed up with the Federale. God's honest truth, I swear.
[Referring to woman in diner] And who the hell is that?!
That's my partner!
Your partner, as in your girlfriend?!
No, my partner as in crime. And shit, you're the one to talk.
You got married? What was I supposed to do?! Was I supposed to sit on my porch, knitting, hoping one day you'd show back up?! You disappeared! Gone! Nothing!
I think you deviated my septum!
Good! You're lucky I didn't have a knife! Oh, Jesus. Fuck.
I know. I know.
You were going to college. You were-- you were becoming a doctor, and then you just vanished.
So what now?
What do you mean, "So what now?!" I'm married!
Uh-huh. Jesus. [Fiona's phone rings]
You're such a fucking asshole. Hey, Mickey.
Oh, Mickey Milkovich? Say hello to him for me.
Shut the fuck up! Ian did what?! Okay, I'm coming. Yeah. I got to go.
Why?
I have to go.
Wh-- what did Ian do? So that went well.
I call police.
The hell you will.
No, I call police because Crazy Carrot Boy took my baby.
You call the cops, I'm gonna tell them I said Ian could take the baby on a trip. Who do you think they're gonna believe, huh? Illegal Russian fucking hand-whore or card-carrying, apple pie-eating, "Born on the Fourth of July" American fucking citizen?
Pregnant hand-whore, who is also mother, they will believe.
[Lip peers into Fiona's bedroom and spots Jimmy asleep on the bed with his butt exposed]
You got this one?
Yeah.
Are you sure? 'Cause I could beat him to death with a baseball bat. You know, say I mistook him for an intruder.
No, I'm good.
All right.
Thanks, little brother.
No worries, big sister.
Hey, why you crying? It's a beautiful morning, don't you know? Okay, you need a new diaper, don't you? Shh. All right. Hey, hey, hey. [Shushes baby] You're gonna scare Mr. Sun away. Okay. [Baby Wailing] Okay, okay, okay. Uh Okay, okay. Diapers. Where are diapers? Diaper. No diaper. Hey, Yevvy, look what I found. [Holds up a Motorhead t-shirt] Motorhead, yeah. Heavy metal diaper. You're gonna be a big badass. All the other babies are gonna look at you, and you're such a big badass, they're gonna go running-- no, crawling away in fear. Why are you still crying? Oh. You're hungry. It's morning. Babies get hungry in the morning. Uh, no food, but we're near an aqueduct. We can forage. We can hunt. We can get wild greens, okay? [Hoists Yevgeny on his shoulders and in deep voice] We go now. We hunt like men. One, two, three. Up, up, and away.
I'm Karen Perlow's mom-- 417? She gets a Ritalin every morning, never on an empty stomach, and then an Ativan at lunch-- two if she's feeling anxious at test times.
Okay, listen, I'm sorry, ma'am, but this isn't a summer camp, okay? And I'm not the camp nurse, so Karen, she has to handle her own reds and bennies, all right?
[Lip walks into dorm room with boys watching porn on laptop and smoking a bong]
Yo, douche bags, you think you could lay off on the water pipe and the porn until Mom and Dad Iowas are back on the Interstate, please?
Hey, I need to borrow your car. Ian just stole a baby.
Top of the morning, beautiful. How is my favorite public servant?
Buy some deodorant, Frank.
Any governmental gift envelopes addressed to a Gallagher in this little wheeled chariot of yours? It's getting to be that time of month.
Touch my cart, I'll call the cops.
[Amanda is painting a nude woman in a Renaissance-esque style on Lip's dorm wall]
Jesus, what's she weigh in at, buck 90, 200?
Renaissance women weren't forced to starve themselves into an anorexic fashion industry marketing version of female sexuality.
I bet it was purely missionary. You know, getting caught under that would be like stepping on a grape.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Shameless pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
