Check it out, sister-wives!
We gonna ride around in that?!
You know, my tits are smaller than this.
Our customers won't mind. Hey, pal. Uh, topless maids that actually clean. Pass it along.
Check it out! Custom-built! Are you ready for this?! What do you think?! Is that genius or what?! They love it! They can't... Look at 'em! Look at! They love it!
That's not coming from the van. [To man] Excuse me, sir. This is a legitimate business here. [Svetlana and the man start yelling at each other with the man slapping Svetlana who then headbutts him and they wrestle on the ground with Kevin and Veronica pulling them apart] I got... I got... shit! What the fuck is going on here?!
This is my father. He's staying with us for a while.
[Svetlana is hosing down her father with Kevin and Veronica watching]
Why is he covered in shit, Lana?
He rode into country hiding on cow freighter.
He's covered in tattoos. Is that a penis fucking a skull?
Kev, he sold her into sex slavery.
Yeah, he can't stay with us.
Hey, Svet'. Yo. Uh, he can't stay with us.
Yeah, sorry, we discussed it, and we just don't think it's a good idea.
So, we live together. We love together. We even raise babies together. But this decision we do not make together?
We're just worried about him being in the house with the babies.
Ah, he's good for babies. Sweet. He is also good behind bar. He solves bartender problem while we go out and do titty van business so we can save money for college for babies.
You want us to leave our bar with him? Does he even speak English?
English does not matter. Make drink. Take money. Hurt people who do not pay money. I grew up in his bar. Everything I know, I learn from this man.
I'll go get him some clothes.
...
I just want to know how long he's gonna stay.
He kept roof over my head and borscht in my bowl until I was ten years old, ready to work on corner. For this, I owe him. I also owe him the money he spent to smuggle me into country.
You owe him the money he paid smugglers so you could be a sex slave in America?
This is land of free, home of brave. And if he had not smuggled me, I would not have met you and become happy wedded thrupple bliss.
I'm just saying, if I had a dad, I would forgive a lot too.
Enough! We strip now. Pimp, watch babies.
LMLocal man
Hi. Uh, sorry, but, uh... can you move your van? I live right over there, and I have some little kids who are about to come out and play in the yard.
LMLocal man
And, uh, your van is very graphic. It's porn, really.
Oh, thank you. Those are my wives.
LMLocal man
Well, lucky you.
LMLocal man
Uh, my wife... I just have the one... Highly emotional woman. And if my five and seven-year-old sons are exposed to porn for the first time while playing in our yard... [Chuckles] She's just likely to cry until I agree to move to an even more expensive neighborhood.
Look, man, you tell your wife this is a legitimate business, and under the 14th amendment, we have every right to exercise our right to free speech and show boobs.
LMLocal man
The 14th amendment abolished slavery.
God damn right it did. Good thing too, because one of my wives is black, and the other one was a slave. Dude, what the hell are you talking about? Oh, good, thanks a lot. Now you woke up my kids.
LMLocal man
Look, all right?
LMLocal man
[Holds up dollar bill] Please. I'm begging you. Father to father. Husband to husband. [Kevin just stares at the bill with the man adding another dollar bill]
Oh, man. I'll pull the van around the block. Hey, you, uh... Want a business card, just in case, uh... your wife goes out of town or something?
SCStore clerk
You're leaving?
Uh, yeah. Sorry, nothing fit.
SCStore clerk
Bummer. Well, could I tempt you with this new white-gold baby cuff? Just got it in this weekend.
Cute, uh, maybe next week...
SCStore clerk
[To police officer entering store] Could you have taken any longer? That's her. She's stealing.
SCStore clerk
I'm not stupid like your baby's name.
[Arrives to kitchen of Yvon feeding apples to Yevgeny, Gemma and Amy in highchairs] Ugh, man, that two extra hours of sleep is a miracle. Thank you so much for coming every morning. [Amazed at the happiness of Yevgeny, Gemma and Amy] What?! Look at these guys! They're chillin'! They dig you! You like kids, huh?! You're the only gramps these guys got! I'm just bummed that you and my other wife got off on the wrong foot! She just doesn't love how you sold our wife into sex slavery. Great talk, man. [Yvon holds apple to kids impaled on knife] Hey! Okay, see, yeah. In America, we take the food off the knife [Demonstrates] before we give it to the babies.
YYvon
[Speaks Russian] Nice soft mouths. They'll be good earners someday.
DDominique
What the hell are you doing here?
DDominique
Well, you got me grounded for a month, so...
Where's your dad? Morning, Sergeant. Ready to hit the shooting range?
DDominique
Okay. What's going on?
You've been texting that college boy all week. Think I didn't notice?
DDominique
He has playoffs this week. He's anxious.
I don't care if he's starting point guard for the Bulls in the NBA Finals. I told you to cut it. But since I have a daughter who doesn't respect my wishes, she gets a father who doesn't respect hers. Let's go, son.
DDominique
"Son"? [Slams front door]
First order of business... Furniture. Apparently, this stuff belongs to the realty staging company, and they're taking it back. So start looking for street discards... Mattresses, chairs, couches. Secondly, as you may have noticed, our beloved domicile is under attack from the locals. We got to give them zero reason to take issue with us. Be on our best behavior. Solve problems before they happen. You're Gallaghers now. And Gallaghers fight for what we deserve. And we fight dirty. I got these things from the garage. I also found a push mower. So, new Lip, mow the strip between the street and the houses. New Debbie, grab some shrubs from outside the Citibank on 47th and just stick them anyplace you see dirt. New Ian and New Carl, here you go. Sweep up the cigarette butts and the needles outside on the street. New Fiona, clean the trash from the lot under the El.
NFNew Fiona
How is that "fighting dirty"?
We become them. This is psychological warfare. The thinking man's game. Henceforth, there are new rules in this house, okay? No talking to the lamppost after dark. New Lip, no more jacking off in the backyard. New Fiona, if you're gonna turn a trick, go one block over. Yes? Meeting adjourned.
[Observing busted open cash register] Shit. Do... do you know how much these cost?
It's from, like, 1910, so probably a dollar.
I mean the cost to replace it.
Well, we've been doing okay lately.
[Scoffs] It doesn't mean we're in a position to buy new equipment. We just got out of the hole Sean dug.
I think we're actually starting to get along kind of.
Where you been keeping the cash?
Twenties, fives, tens, and ones. We used calculators and wrote everything down on a pad. Oh... [Chuckles] your, uh, Asian nazi came looking for you earlier.
Oh, shit. I forgot. This can't be right. This says that we made over a third more than we usually do.
Grilled cheese was a hit.
[Kevin and Svetlana are hosing down mats]
I think we're actually starting to get along kind of.
Yeah. He's working on something for bar, to help. It's a surprise.
Oh, sweet. You know, I still can't believe he's the same dude that locked you in a closet and put a flour sack over your head.
It was potato sack. It's like my 12-year-old self made up my adult life, and my adult self was like, "Oh, yeah? I see your offer, and I raise you 20." [She wets her white shirt sans bra with nipples appearing to Kevin's excitement]
[Arrives] Hey. Is The Alibi hiring?
Me. I need a job with child care.
Okay, A, you're underage. You can't even work in a bar. And, B, we don't have real employees. We got spouses and parents. And, C, I am at peak baby. Three, and I max out. See you inside.
Fiona's gonna kick me out unless I can pull my weight.
Find husband. I have both husband and wife. I have someone to watch my son 24/7. I have job. I am kept woman. You want good life? Find someone to keep you.
I don't need to be kept. I'm a strong woman.
Don't be strong woman. Strong women weather storms. You want to be the storm.
You find someone weak, stupid, and desperate. And you wear bras so your breasts levitate.
All right! I got this thing together. I'm gonna take these guys to the movies where it's nice and cool. Hellraiser II is playing. Toddlers love classic slasher flicks from the 1980s. Just kidding. We're gonna go see Dory for the eight millionth time so I can stab my eyes out with a fork.
...
Kev, I don't think we should let Yvon keep feeding the babies.
That, and I don't like the way he looks at them.
How does he look at them?
Like he's trying to figure out how much they're worth.
That's insane. You know, you sound like an insane person. You know that, right?
Yeah. You do. [Yvon appears] What's up? What's going on? Thumbs up. What's up there? The sky? Speak Russian at least. You want me to go upstairs? Oh, you want me to go... Okay, fine. I'll go upstairs. I'll be right back. We are not doing Tinder. Tinder is for hookups. And we don't want hookup. We want someone old-fashioned, someone who wants to keep a woman. But for what?
PPolice officer
So the man who allegedly took your babies is their grandfather?
Not all of them. One of them. The other two are his step-grandchildren through marriage.
PPolice officer
Has the parent of the two stepchildren been contacted?
I'm here. It's me. The babies are mine and his.
Yeah, she's my wife. The guy who took them is my other wife's dad.
Except she's my wife's wife, not mine... not legally. She's my wife, and I'm his wife.
PPolice officer
So the guy is the stepdad of your wife's wife?
And he doesn't speak any English. He only speaks Russian. He has Russian ties to the Mafia, I think, and has very disturbing tattoos.
PPolice officer
Has he ever threatened to harm the babies in the past?
PPolice officer
Does he have regular contact with the babies?
Well, he sees them every morning, feeds them breakfast, speaks to them in Russian, sings little songs to them.
PPolice officer
Is it within the realm of possibility that he may have simply taken them for a walk?
[Frank hears knocking on front door and pulls curtain, then opens door]
EElena
[Opens door and lets herself in] I'm Elena Torres from the Make A Nest nonprofit on Troy Street. Your news coverage has been making quite a stir in the social-services community.
EElena
We've got some good news concerning your housing crisis.
You... you, uh... Here. Uh, Jesus. Oh, come on, hey, hey. G- get a room, you two. [Pats a cot] Uh, sit, sit.
EElena
I- I, uh... Yeah, I-I'll stand.
EElena
Mr. Gallagher... perhaps you've heard of Simon Epstein, the real estate mogul? The billionaire who got busted emailing dick pics? Mr. Epstein, um, is actually a philanthropist for the homeless. After seeing you on the news, he immediately contacted our community-service organization.
EElena
N-no, no, Mr. Gallagher. Simon Epstein purchased this house for the South Side homeless.
A billionaire with a bleeding heart and a big dick bought this place for me?
EElena
Uh, he, uh... He bought it for all of you. And he's asked our organization to manage the property. We're getting calls from corporate interests who would like to become sponsors. Because of your commitment to the homeless, this is now public housing.
MMarcus
I may have broken a Tinder record for how many places to hit it in one room.
So, uh, take the El or call an Uber? Wow. Okay. Down to business, huh? No offense, it's just I'm running a business, and I can't save chips unless I'm working.
Oh, I get it... Sex and back to thinking money.
MMarcus
Just a little word of advice... If you're really a businesswoman, you'd stack chips, not save 'em.
[Laughs] What are you, my financial consultant? [Hands card to her] Marketplace Consulting International? You mean you're actually a financial consultant?
MMarcus
Let me know when you want to book an investment consultation. I'm just a swipe away. Bye, Fiona.
NMNew Monica
Hot water?! Thank God! [Laughs] Don't got to clean my flaps with disinfectant wipes no more!
[Turns on stove to confirm it works] Whoa. [Opens fridge to confirm it is empty] Uh, whoa. [Addressing shelterees] My family and unbathed brethren, we have won the first battle for homeless dignity by staking our claim. We demanded our 40 acres and a mule, our three bedrooms and a toilet, and yours truly has delivered it upon you. Thank you very much.
SShelterees
Great job, Frank!
But... but listen, now... now that we got the hot water turned on, we want to make sure that it stays on, and let's keep food and illicit substances in our belly. So I'm sending you out in groups to ply the most basic commerce known to mankind... Begging, okay? You four, take the bodega. You three, uh, um, the dry cleaners. You, sir, you look like you could use a touch of grooming, so let's send you to the barbershop. Okay, let's go. Other people's money waits for no man. Go out there. Give 'em homeless! Yeah!
How are the books comin', Lana?
Ah, much better with reduced overhead. Now we just have to collect running tabs from regulars who don't pay.
Come on, fist bumps, kid. Fist bumps. Mommy, Mommy, and Daddy are makin' money.
Ha, breaking even. We are getting out of tax debt.
Can we claim each other's kids on our tax returns? We're married.
We can claim as dependents, but we would have to do adoption.
Whose kids are we adopting?
She and I would adopt each others' since we're married.
We would save money on write-offs and become legitimate family.
Wait, wait, wait. So, V adopts Yevgeny. Svetlana adopts Amy and Gemma. Where does that leave me?
That leaves you big, sexy man in boxer shorts.
YYvon
[In Russian] Big stupid man needs a shower.
He either said, "I burnt your breakfast," or, "I f*cked up your eggs."
[Holds eggs up to eyes laughing to entertain children] Hey...
I don't understand why you're not on board.
[In the shower] It's just the whole lesbian-wedding thing again. You and Svetlana are a thing, and I'm the third wheel.
It is just paperwork to secure more money for Amy and Gemma. What if somethin' happens to us? Svetlana will be able to take care of 'em.
I thought you wanted Fiona to take care of 'em if somethin' happened to us?
Fiona only cares about herself anymore.
Oh, would you please? Fiona's your best friend. We have the key to her house, And I'm pretty sure that half our clothes in our closet are hers.
Is this a permanent thing between you two, or is it until one of you caves and apologizes?
Screw Fiona! It's time for us to move on and think about what's best of our family, and that's Svetlana. Adoption will give our kids stability. Don't you want them to have more than what we had growin' up?
I still get to be called "Daddy" no matter what. Or Big Papa. [Veronica pulls open shower curtains] Oh!
[Both laughs] Your choice, baby.
