[Kramer is having a meeting with Earl Haffler - the cigar-smoking, stetson-hat-and-string-tie-wearing, Texan businessman he met in The Diplomat's Club.]
HHaffler
Awright, partner. Let's get down to business.
Kramer[nervous] Okay, well, uh, I'll uh, I'll get the Cubans.
[He walks over to the door trying to smile confidently.]
Kramer
They're right out here.
[He calls a few words of gibberish Spanish out of the door, and the three guys stroll in. As if to convince Haffler they are in fact Cuban, they are dressed in Castro-style green fatigues and caps.]
Kramer
Hey, here they are. The Cubans. Real Cubans.
[Haffler regards the three guys for a second or two.]
HHaffler
You wouldn't be trying to sell old Earl Haffler Dominicans in a Cuban wrapper now, would you?
Kramer
[fidgety] Oh, now, come on. Look at these boys. If they were any more Cuban, Castro would've smoked them himself. Huh.
HHaffler
[confusion] We're talking about people, right?
Kramer
[puzzled] I think so.
HHaffler
I thought he quit smoking cigars.
Kramer
Well, yeah, yeah. But they also rolled for his brother... [thinks for a second] ...Dennis.
HHaffler
[dubious] Dennis Castro?
Kramer
Uh, Dwayne.
HHaffler
Get the hell outta my office.
Kramer
[shrill] What!?
Kramer
Well, my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.
Kramer
That's East River.
You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked, overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?
Kramer
Technically Norfolk has more gross tonnage.
How could you swim in that water?
Kramer
I saw a couple of other guys out there.
Kramer
Floating, they weren't moving much. But they were out there.
Kramer
Listen to yourself! [putting on a disgusted face] What? You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else in search of a dream, Jerry.
Kramer, Whatley's from Jersey.
Kramer
Yes, and now he's a full-fledged American.
Kramer, he's just a dentist.
Kramer
Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
I am not an anti-dentite.
Kramer
You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs: "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know, you're saying they should have their own schools.
They do have their own schools!
Kramer
[in a skeptical surprised tone] - Yeah, yeah, yeah!
[at the hospital after George fell down the stairs]
Kramer
So how's George?
I don't know. They don't tell me anything. What's that?
Kramer
[holding his broken Tony award, mournfully] Tony.
Kramer
Raquel Welch. [Welch had attacked Kramer after he attempted to fire her from the set of 'Scarsdale Surprise']
[Elaine turns up, also bruised and with scars on her face]
[Jerry, George and Darren are sitting at a table in Monk's. Jerry and George are having a conversation as Darren writes down notes]
[To Jerry] Well, Play Now's through playing. They turned the heat way up in my office. Trying to sweat me out.
[To Darren] Do you have to write all this stuff down?
DDarren
Well, Mr. Kramer's in a meeting with Mr. Lomez but he didn't want to miss anything.
[Jerry makes a slightly annoyed face]
[To George] So how hot did it get?
I don't know, hundred and twenty, hundred and thirty. Then they sent some guys in to sandblast for six hours, tomorrow they're putting in asbestos.
I guess you can take anything but actual work.
[Kramer enters and sits next to George]
GJGeorge and Jerry
[using "the voice" that Jerry has created as a joke] Helllooo Kramer! Wellcomme! La, la, la.
Kramer
Sorry, I couldn't get out of there. [To Darren] What did I miss?
DDarren
Well, after ordering Mr. Seinfeld and Mr. Costanza debated on whether or not Iron Man wore some sort of undergarment between his skin and his iron suit.
And I still say he's naked under there!
[sarcastically] Oh that makes a lot of sense!
DDarren
Then Mr. Seinfeld went to the restroom at which point Mr. Costanza scooped ice out of Mr. Seinfeld's drink with his bare hand and used it to wash up. Mr. Costanza then remarked to me, "this never happened".
[Jerry spits out his drink back into the glass]
DJDean Jones
I've been reviewing Darren's internship journal. Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?
Kramer
Well, it all sounds pretty glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica.
DJDean Jones
Far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is little more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.
Kramer
And with Darren's help, we'll get that chicken!
Kramer
Anyway, you're lucky I was there. You lost a lot of blood.
Kramer
Yeah. You got three pints of Kramer in ya, buddy!
(Jerry screams. Trying to calm him down, Kramer starts screaming too)
Well, the doctors say I got some more blood, so it looks like I owe you again.
Kramer
(confused) You didn't get the blood from me...
(Newman walks in, with gauze on his arm)
(Jerry screams. Kramer joins him. Newman looks confused, then starts screaming with them.)
Kramer
Hey, Jerry! Come in here a sec! Hey!
Kramer
It's the Merv Griffin set!
How did you get this in here?
Kramer
Oh, you just bring it in sideways and hook it.
So where are you gonna sleep?
Kramer
Yeah... backstage.
I just think if you borrow my blender you should return it.
Kramer
Well what’s the difference -- Come on, we're like Cain and Able.
Yeah, you know Cain slew Abel.
Kramer
No he didn’t. They were in business together… it was dry wall, or somethin’.
Kramer
All right then, what was it?
Well I think Abel worked hard all summer harvesting his crops, while Cain just played in the field. Then when Winter came, Able had all the nuts; Cain had no nuts, so he killed him.
Kramer
The way I remember it, Cain, he was a successful doctor, but when he took this special formula, he became Mr. Abel.
Kramer
You went to the coffee shop without me? I told ya, I just wanted to hop in the shower.
That was an hour ago. What were you doing in there?
Kramer
Showering. How long does it take you?
Kramer
Ten minutes? That's kooky talk. Hey Elaine, how long do you spend in the shower?
Kramer
Let me smell you.
Kramer
[after delicately sniffing Elaine] Uh... that's not bad at all.
Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. And as I rained blows upon him I realized there had to be another way.
Kramer
What happened to the doll?
It was destroyed, but out of this came a new holiday, 'a Festivus for the rest-of-us.'
Kramer: That must of been some doll.
At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.
Kramer
And is there a tree?
No. Instead, there's a pole. Requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.
Kramer
Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.
Hey Silvio. Just out for a little stroll in my favorite fur coat.
SSilvio
That is your coat?
SSilvio
Kramer says you need it because you're an entertainer and you're desperate for attention.
Kramer
Hey Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his coat with his purse. Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy!
Seinfeld · 352 quotes
