KramerHey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here. What, are you unhappy with our arrangement?
Kramer
I was under the impression that I could take anything I wanted from your fridge, and you take whatever from mine.
Well, let me know when you get something in there.
Kramer
Frank here, he's got his own billiard room.
Yes, It's, uh, it's... uh, uh... What do you call it, Kramer?
Kramer
A billiard room.
No, not billiard. Not billiards. It was... come on, already. Come on...
Kramer
What?
Kramer
[snaps fingers] "The Place To Be!"
"The Place To Be!" Yes! It's the place to be.
Kramer
Hey, buddy. I am waiting for my shirt.
You got your shirt in my oven?
Kramer
I didn't have any quarters for the dryer. Anyway, this is better. And it's more convenient.
[ironically] For both of us.
Kramer
And I have a lot more control. I have one shirt going for ten minutes at 325 degrees.
What's wrong with your oven?
Kramer
I'm baking a pie!
It's the truck, Kramer. The truck!
Kramer
Look, Newman, I told you to let this thing go.
No, no, no, no no. Listen to me. Most days, the post office sends one truckload of mail to the second domestic regional sorting facility in Saginaw, Michigan.
Kramer
(interested) Uh-huh.
But, on the week before holidays, we see a surge. On Valentine's Day, we send two trucks. On Christmas, four, packed to the brim. And tomorrow, if history is any guide, will see some spillover into a fifth truck.
Kramer
(realization) Mother's Day.
The mother of all mail days. And guess who signed up for the truck.
Kramer
A free truck? Oh boy, that completely changes our cost structure. Our G and A goes down fifty percent.
(excited) We carry a couple of bags of mail, and the rest is ours!
Kramer
Newman, you magnificent bastard, you did it!
(triumph) Let the collecting begin!
Kramer
[fixing up his pants] Yeah... Look at this, Mickey. These pants are fallin' apart, huh?
You know, when I first met you, Kramer, you used to wear jeans all the time.
Kramer
Yeah, well, I was a different man then.
Kramer
Hey, I got the body of a... taut, preteen Swedish boy.
Hey, uh... what'd you get there?
Kramer
I bought Dungarees.
Kramer, they're painted on!
Kramer
Well, they're slim-fit.
Kramer
Yeah, they're streamlined.
You're walkin' like Frankenstein!
Kramer
What? They just gotta be worked in a little bit, that's all.
Kramer
What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland?
LMr. Leland
Kramer, I've... been reviewing your work... Quite frankly, it stinks.
Kramer
Well, I ah.. been havin' trouble at home and uh.. I mean, ah, you know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes..
LMr. Leland
No, no, I don't think that's going to, do it, uh. These reports you handed in. It's almost as if you have no business training at all... I don't know what this is supposed to be!
Kramer
Well, I'm uh, just--tryin' to get ahead.
LMr. Leland
Well, I'm sorry, but there's just no way that we could keep you on.
Kramer
I don't even really work here!
LMr. Leland
That's what makes this so difficult.
What happened to my stereo? It's all smashed up.
Kramer
That's right. Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400.
But you were supposed to get me a refund.
Kramer
You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago.
So we're going to make the post office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer
It's just a write-off for them.
Kramer
They just write it off.
Kramer
Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
You don't even know what a write-off is.
Kramer
Do you?
Kramer
But they do and they are the ones writing it off.
Kramer
Hey Jerry, is it all right if I put some stuff in your fridge? 'Cause mine's full.
Yeah, sure. You don't even have a fridge, do you?
Kramer
Well, not here. [Goes into the hallway, comes back in with a huge bag]
Kramer, wait a minute, what the hell is that?
Kramer
Well, it's chicken feed. [stuffs the bag into the fridge]
I sense something is afoot.
Kramer
Yeah, I bought a chicken.
Kramer
Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs.
Allow me. What are you, an idiot?
Jerry You sold my Cadillac to Jack Klompus?
And we want you to have the money.
What're you talking about? You had a check bounce at the bodega.
Oh, is that what this is all about?! I bounce a check and you sold a Cadillac?!
Well, also, Jerry, we read an article in the Sun Sentinel. [digs in her purse and extracts a newspaper clipping] It says standup comedy is not what it used to be, what with Def Jam and all.
Kramer
Yeah, that Def Jam is a force.
Jerry, you know, I hear wonderful things about Bloomingdales' executive training program.
Kramer
Y'know you've given this comedy thing your best shot. Yeah, you had some good observations, but it's over. Now, this Bloomingdale thing, that could be the next wave.
Listen to the comeback: "Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you."
[Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer stare blankly at him]
Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!
How 'bout this one? How 'bout, "Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent."?
Hey, here you go: "Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six."
No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.
Kramer
Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.
Kramer
Hey, Elaine, do you have some free time tomorrow afternoon?
Kramer
Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, cold-hearted business woman. When there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on throats.
LThe lawyer
Situation number four: You're breathing on your own you're conscious, but with no muscular function.
Kramer
Well, would I be able to communicate? I don't see how. I don't like the sound of this one.
Yeah, let's pull the cord, huh? Yank it like you're starting a mower.
LThe lawyer
You have liver, kidneys and gallbladder but no central nervous system.
Kramer
Well, I gotta have a central nervous system.
LThe lawyer
One lung, blind, and you're eating through a tube.
Kramer
No, that's not my style.
[Jerry has just returned from Florida, and is putting away his bag. A worried George sits at the table.]
[disbelief] So she wanted you to come up, but you left because you thought some guy might be calling you?!
[Jerry puts his bag in the bedroom and returns as George paces the floor.]
[animated] Some guy. Some guy? Neil! I have got to find out how he could get a girl like Danielle.
George, you've got Danielle. Forget about Neil. You've out-Neiled him.
[surprised] So, I'm Neil? How did I do that?
I don't know, but you better keep it up.
I'm gonna go meet Danielle. [grabs his coat] There's a new Neil in town! [triumphant laughter] Hahaha!
[George exits, cheerfully. The phone rings as the door closes.]
[to himself] I try to take a vacation, I come back, the whole operation's a shambles. [answers phone] Hello.
[In Florida, Helen and Morty each have a handset. Morty is still wearing the '#1 DAD' shirt.]
Hey Jerry. Number One here. Did you go see Izzy at the back specialist?
I will, I just walked in the door.
Helen, will you stop bothering him.
Jerry, that shirt has gone right to his head.
[The Seinfelds hang up. Jerry's door opens and Kramer bursts in, agitated.]
Kramer
Jerry, I just picked up the Cubans at the bus station. [shrill] What's going on!?
Kramer
[animated] They're not real Cubans. They're Dominicans.
Kramer
So, Jerry, if my investors don't get Cubans, the whole deal's off.
Kramer
Jerry, once you've had real Cubans, there's just nothing else like it.
[confused] We're talking about people, right?
Kramer
Yes, yes. The quality, the texture, the intoxicating aroma. These guys don't have it.
I thought they smelled pretty nice.
Kramer
Jerry, your palate's unrefined.
Kramer
Is too.
Kramer
Is too.
I'm not having this conversation.
Kramer
Are too.
Kramer
Are too.
Kramer
Are too.
Seinfeld · 352 quotes
