[George and his girlfriend Diane are walking along the beach]
DDiane
[Referring to him being a marine biologist] Your parents must be so proud of you, George.
[They come across a group of people looking out into the ocean]
DDiane
What are those people doing over there? [As they approach the group] What's going on over here?
WWoman
There's a beached whale, she's dying.
MMan
Is anyone here a marine biologist?
[Everyone begins shouting for George to help]
DDiane
Save the whale, George. For me.
[George drops his hat, coat, shoes and socks and walks into the ocean]
[Recounting the story to Jerry and Kramer at the coffee shop] So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you, boys, I was terrified. But I pressed on! And as I made my way passed the breakers, a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things but I'm telling you, Jerry, at that moment I was a marine biologist.
[Enters the coffee shop and sits next to George] George, I'd just been reading this thing in the paper, it's unbelievable!
I know, I was just telling the story.
KramerWell come on, George, finish the story.
The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Kramer
Well, what did you do next?
Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
[George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
Kramer
What is that, a Titleist?
[George nods]
Kramer
A hole in one, huh?
Listen...tonight, after we finish eating, you make like you got something else to do and just "recede into the night," if you know what I mean.
Kramer
No way!
Kramer
Look, if you think I'm just going to step aside and do nothing while you defile this woman, you're crazy.
I'm not going to "defile" her!
Kramer
That's right, because I'm going to see it doesn't happen. Look, Jerry, these girls are Miss America contestants. It's every little girl's dream. And I'm not going to let you trample that dream and make a mockery of everything the pageant stands for.
Kramer
[holds up his hand] AAAH! No buts! Those are my rules.
Well, it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers.
Kramer
Well, I wouldn't go as far as that.
You went back to the Jockeys?
Kramer
Wrong again.
Don't you see what's goin' on here? No boxers, no Jockeys…
[Elaine backs away from Kramer, disgusted]
The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine…Kramer, say it isn't so.
Kramer
Oh, it be so. I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it.
[examining a spot on the couch] Is it? C-could it? Could-- Could he have? It is! Poppie peed on my sofa!
Kramer
Are you sure?
Well, what is it then?! My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!
Kramer
I'm sure it'll come out.
I don't care if it comes out. I can't sit on that anymore.
Kramer
Ah, you're making too much of it.
Yeah, you're right. Just a natural human function, happens to be on my sofa... instead of in the toilet where it would normally be.
[Jerry is trying the only pair of boots he has available]
I can't wear these. They look ridiculous.
Kramer
Well, you look like a cowboy!
I don't wanna be a cowboy!
So, did you get your new plates?
Kramer
Oh... yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.
Kramer
Assman.
Kramer
Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?
Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.
It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.
Kramer
Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.
Kramer
Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one!"
Kramer
You know you hurt the Maestro's feelings.
Oh what, because I didn't call him "Maestro"?
Kramer
That's right.
Ya know, I feel a little funny calling somebody "Maestro."
Kramer
Why?
Because it's a stupid thing to be called.
Kramer
Jerry, he's a conductor.
Oh, conductor. He conducts the Policeman's Benevolent Association Orchestra.
Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it?
I am not giving you my code.
Kramer
I bet I can guess it.
Kramer
Oh, alright. Let's see... Well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. What kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you?
Kramer
You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No, no, no, no, yours is a sweet tooth.
[getting nervous] Get out of here.
Kramer
Oh, you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master: the cocoa bean.
Kramer
No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you!
Kramer
[chasing after George] If you could, you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!
Kramer
Nestle's Quik!
Seinfeld · 352 quotes
