George Costanza quotes from Seinfeld

George

[dragging a World Series trophy behind a golf cart] Attention, Steinbrenner and front office morons: your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it and rotate!

George

I hereby declare this summer the summer of George!

George

All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.

Jerry

Right.

George

You know, anything in the, in the lip area is good.

Jerry

Lip area.

George

You know, a hug: definitely good.

Jerry

Hug is definitely good.

George

Sure.

Jerry

Although what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart?

George

That's so brutal, I hate that.

Jerry

You know how they do that?

George

That's why, you know, a shake is bad.

Jerry

Shake is bad, but what if it's the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes?

George

Hand sandwich.

Jerry

Right.

George

I see. Well, that's open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes...

George

She calls me up at my office. She says, "We have to talk."

Jerry

Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.

George

That or "Whose bra is this?"

Jerry

That's worse.

Jerry

I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.

George

I never heard him say anything really funny.

Jerry

But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed.. I'm sure he's got super humor.

George

You would think that, but either you're born with a sense of humor, or you're not. It's not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.

Jerry

Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth?

George

I don't know but he ain't funny.

Jerry

This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, it's with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I might've been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet any social challenge.

George

Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.

Jerry

Absolutely.

George

It's fabulous.

George

[about Elaine taking the apartment above Jerry] How could you do that?

Jerry

'Cause I'm an idiot! You may think you're an idiot, but with all due respect - I'm a much bigger idiot than you are.

George

Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No one's a bigger idiot than me.

Jerry

Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?

George

Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Poconos?

Jerry

She's right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, I'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar.

George

You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at women's apartments. It'll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage.

Jerry

But I need the home bed advantage!

George

Of course, we all do.

Jerry

You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it. This (pointing to himself) is an idiot.

George

Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex, and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.

[yelling out the window to the marathon runners] You're all winners!

George

But suddenly, a new contender has emerged.

George

Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.

Jerry

Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.

George

What about that?

Jerry

Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.

George

Well, that's really not fair.

Jerry

[after the doctor tells him George did not have a heart attack] Oh, and.. do you think it would be alright if I called Susan Davis?

George

Susan Davis? Hey, wait a second..

Jerry

Well, it's not like we'd be bumping into you.

George

I don't know.. you and Susan Davis?

Jerry

You know, if your future was a little more certain..

George

Okay, go ahead. Call her, get married, have babies, have a great life.. What do I care? I'm finished. It's all over for me. In fact, let's end it right now. Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you. Let's just get it over with. Be a pal.. Just take the pillow and put it over my face.

Jerry

Well, ah.. [Takes his pillow] What? Kind of like this? [Violently smothers George with the pillow. George freaks out.]

George

What are ya doing?! Whadya, crazy?!

Elaine

Jerry!

Jerry

[Surprised] Elaine, what are you doing here? [Quickly puts George's pillow back behind his head like nothing happened]

George

[To Jerry] Jerk-off.

Jerry

[whispers to Elaine] There's nothing wrong with him. I spoke with the doctor; he's fine.

Elaine

[smiles as she catches on, then goes to George in a concerned manner] Hi, George, how are you feeling? Is anyone looking at your apartment?

Elaine

Ya know, its not fair people are seated First Come First Served, It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just going over there and taking some food off somebody's plate.

Jerry

I'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it.

Elaine

What do you mean?

Jerry

You walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, walk away- I give you 50 bucks.

George

What are they gonna do?

Jerry

They won't do anything; in fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives.

Elaine

50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks?

Jerry

50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples.

Elaine

OK, I don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something...

Jerry

No, no tricks.

Elaine

Should I do it, George?

George

For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow.

George

Excuse me, I-I was waiting here.

Where? I didn’t see you.

George

I’ve been standing here the last 10 minutes.

I won’t be long.

George

Um, that’s not the point. The point is I was here first.

Well if you were here first, you’d be holding the phone.

George

You know we’re living in a society! We’re supposed to act in a civilized way! [To Jerry and Elaine, referring to the woman who stole the phone] Does she care? Does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity over the slightest problems of a fellow individual? No! No. A resounding no!

[to George] Hey, sorry I took so long.

George

Oh that’s ok really, don’t worry.

Jerry

So what happened with Tatiana?

George

I shouldn't even tell you this.

Jerry

Come on...

George

Well, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her apartment.

Jerry

I'm with you.

George

Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. It's like right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove. You understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool around, and it's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin to perceive this impending...intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have to stop. And as this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage to momentarily...extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need.

Jerry

This could only happen to you.

George

So I finally stop and say, "Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left".

Jerry

You said this to her after.

George

No. During.

Jerry

Oh, boy.

George

Yeah.

Jerry

Wow! So...?

George

So I'm dressing and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure this woman, and worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal.

Jerry

I think the busboy's in trouble.

George

Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said? I just told him what happened. He didn't do it on purpose! [The manager and the busboy are arguing, The busboy points in the direction of George.] He pointed at me. Why did he point at me?

Elaine

I said I would never eat here again. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.

Jerry

[casually] I didn't say anything.

George

A man gave me...

Jerry

Yes, a man gave you...?

George

A man gave me... a massage.

Jerry

So?

George

So he... had his hands and, uh, he was...

Jerry

He was what?!

George

He was... touching and rubbing.

Jerry

That's a massage.

George

And then I took my pants off.

Jerry

You took your pants off?

George

For my hamstring.

Jerry

Oh.

George

He got about two inches from... there.

Jerry

Really?

George

I think it moved.

Jerry

Moved?

George

It may have moved, I don't know.

Jerry

I'm sure it didn't move.

George

It moved! It was imperceptible but I felt it.

Jerry

Maybe it just wanted to change positions? You know, shift to the other side.

George

No, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted, this was a move.

Jerry

Okay, so what if it moved?

George

That's the sign! The test; if a man makes it move.

Jerry

That's not the test. Contact is the test, if it moves as a result of contact.

George

You think it's contact? It has to be touched?

Jerry

That's what a gym teacher once told me.