George Costanza quotes from Seinfeld

Jerry

What happened to you?

George

One of those kids called me a Mary.

Elaine

A what?

George

I was jumping over a puddle and for some reason I went like this. [George stretches out his arms in a ballet motion] They called me a Mary. So I chased them, and I tripped and I fell.

Kramer

Yeah, you know kids, they can be very perceptive.

Jerry

What did you tell her?

George

I told her that she was pretentious.

Jerry

Pretentious? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was pretentious? The IRS — they're like the Mafia. They can take anything they want.

Jerry

Hey, how'd you do on that IQ test?

George

I didn't take it. Yet.

Elaine

What IQ test?

George

What's casus belli?

Jerry

Oh, it's nothing.

George

Is it about me?

Jerry

Why must you always be the focal point of attention? Why can't you just be? Why can't you live?

Elaine

It's just a Latin phrase, George, it does not mean anything. Now, what is this IQ test?

Jerry

This woman that he's dating is making him take this IQ test for this course.

Elaine

Oh, that sounds like fun!

George

Yeah, fun. IQ test's are totally bogus! They prove nothing!

Elaine

You'll do well, you're smart.

Jerry

No, see, he's not smart. People think he's smart but he's not.

Elaine

What did you get on your SAT's?

George

It varies.

Jerry

You know, I don't even know my IQ.

Elaine

Mine's 145.

George

145!?

Jerry

Get outta here!

Elaine

You get outta here!

Jerry

You get outta here! [Elaine laughs]

George

[jokingly] Maybe you should take the test for me.

Jerry

Boy, that'd be something, cheating on an IQ test. Hey, remember in college when you passed Lettick the test out the window? You became a legend after that.

George

Yeah. Yeah, I really has some guts back then. [Serious] Why don't we do it again?

Elaine

What?

George

You could take the IQ test for me. I could pass it to you out of a window. We can do it, she lives on the first floor!

Elaine

You serious?

George

Why not?

Elaine

Where would I take the test?

George

I don't know. She lives right around the corner, you could take it here or go to the coffee shop.

Elaine

No, that would be too noisy.

Jerry

Take it at the Dram Cafe, you won't hear a peep.

Elaine

[to Jerry] What do you think?

Jerry

Hey, I love a good caper.

Elaine

Yeah, that's what it is, isn't it? A caper. Huh.

George

You'll do it?

Elaine

What the hey?

George

Yeah! Beautiful! [goes to high-five Elaine but misses and hits her in the head] Ooh, sorry!

Jerry

Hey, Georgie!

George

Comin' up!

Jerry

How'd you do on the IQ test?

George

85!

Jerry

What?

George

85, Jerry! 85 IQ!

Elaine

85?

Jerry

Well, well, well...

Elaine

He's coming up?

Jerry

Well, I'm no genius, but according to my calculations, he should be here in a few seconds.

Elaine

Yeah, but an 85, Jerry, that's ridiculous.

Jerry

Well, maybe the test was gender biased, you know a lot of questions about hunting and testicles...

George

[Sarcastically to Elaine] Oh, hello professor.

Elaine

George, I cannot believe...

George

Please!

Elaine

No, there's gotta be a mistake.

George

You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

Jerry

But an 85?

Elaine

Listen, there were too many distractions there. Babu...what ever his name was and Kramer...I couldn't concentrate.

Jerry

[Mockingly] It was a madhouse.

Elaine

Jerry, it was! Let me take it again.

George

Ho, ho, forget it!

Elaine

Oh come on, come on, I'll guarantee you 140. What do you have to lose?

George

You could do worse!

Elaine

No, no, come on, I guarantee it!

George

Alright, I'll ask her.

Elaine

Ok. Now where am I gonna take it?

Jerry

Take it here, I'll leave. There will be no distractions.

George

What do the Chinese have to gain by faking a cure for baldness?

Jerry

If it was real, they would never let it out of the country. No baldness, it'd be like a nation of Supermen.

George

[referring to a nose job] Not that I care, one way or the other, but these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you were so inclined. And again, I'm not suggesting.

I know, they're good.

George

Peter Jennings had one.

Really?

George

Probably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating class had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...

Jerry

I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my penis is facing my brain is a chess match. And I'm letting him win.

George

You're not letting him win. He wins till you're forty.

Jerry

Then what?

George

He still wins but it's not a blowout.

George

I don't like when a woman says, 'Make love to me', it's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.

Jerry

Really?

George

That's a lot of pressure. Make love to me. What am I, in the circus? What if I can't deliver?

Jerry

Oh, come on.

George

I can't perform under pressure. That's why I never play anything for money, I choke. I could choke tonight. And she works in my office, can you imagine? She goes around telling everyone what happened? Maybe I should cancel, I have a very bad feeling about this.

Jerry

George, you're thinking too much.

George

I know, I know, I can't stop it!

Elaine

[about Eva's fur] You don't care that innocent defenseless animals are being tortured so that you can look good?

George

Could we talk about this some other time?

Are you a vegetarian?

Jerry

Here we go...

Elaine

Yeah, I eat fish occasionally.

So you're a hypocrite.

George

Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect.

Now you didn't tell me you didn't know how to drive. You should have mentioned that.

George

Well I know how to drive.

Then how'd all those cars get damaged? Why are people calling me up screaming on the phone? Most of them cancelled out on me.

Jerry

Can I get anybody anything?

Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is who's putting your pants on?

I don't believe you. If you can put your pants on, you can move those cars.

George

Well I don't want to get into a big dispute about the pants.

I’m gonna get right to the point, uh, it’s come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?

George

Who said that?

She did.

George

Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell ya, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon… cause you know I’ve worked in a lot of offices and I tell ya people do that all the time.

You’re fired.

George

Well you didn’t have to say it like that.

I want you out of here by the end of the day.

George

[Gets up from his chair but turns back to face Mr. Lippman before leaving] What about the whole “Christmas spirit” thing, any flexibility there?

Nah.

Elaine

George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me!

George

Well, good, good. Take it off. You're going to wear it out already. It's for special occasions this thing.

Kramer

What's that red dot on your sweater?

Jerry

Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.

George

Why not?

Jerry

That's what Willy Loman told Biff before his interview in Death of a Salesman.

George

What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman? Very encouraging: the biggest loser in history of American literature.

George

Well, it's over. It's definitely over.

Jerry

She broke up with you.

George

No, but I can tell she's going to, I can sense it. We had this terrible phone conversation. I was so nervous before I called, I made up this whole list of things to talk about.

Jerry

What was on the list?

George

Uh, let's see... [pulls a piece of paper out of his coat pocket and starts reading from it] "I'm very good at going in reverse in my car". "Why isn't Postum a more popular drink?"

Jerry

[Takes the list from George and starts looking at it] Yeah, Postum is underrated.

George

Anyway, there was all this tension. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said "no, maybe we can get together for lunch." You know what that means.

Jerry

What's wrong with lunch?

George

Lunch is fine at the beginning, then you move on to dinner. You don't go back to lunch, it's like being demoted. I'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again, I know it.

Kramer

I like the jumble. You ever do the jumble?

George

I have no power, don't you understand? I need hand, I have no hand!

Kramer

Break up with her.

George

What?

Kramer

You break up with her. You reverse everything that way.

Jerry

A "preemptive break-up"...

George

A "preemptive break-up". This is an incredible idea..

Kramer

Yeah.

George

I got nothing to lose! We either break-up which she would do anyways but at least I go out with some dignity, or I completely turn the tables! This is absolutely brilliant!

I am breaking up with you!

George

But you can't break up with me! I've got hand!

And you're gonna need it.