Jerry Seinfeld quotes from Seinfeld

George

[about Jodi] Jerry...this woman hates me so much...I'm starting to like her.

Jerry

What?

George Costanza

She just dislikes me so much... It's irresistible.

Jerry

I can see that.

Jerry

But you can't give something and then take it back. I mean, what are you, a...

What?

Jerry

A uh, person that uh...

A person that what?

Jerry

Well, a person that gives something and then they're dissatisfied and they wish they had, had...

And?

Jerry

Never give, given it to the person that they originally gave it to,

You mean like an Indian giver?

Jerry

I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that term.

Frank Costanza

Is there anything wrong with getting a receipt at a tollbooth?

I'm going upstairs.

Frank Costanza

This stack should be bigger.

Frank Costanza

Where's the TV Guide?

George

What TV Guide?

Frank Costanza

I'm missing TV Guide ... Volume 41, number 31.

Jerry

Elaine took it to read on the subway.

Frank Costanza

Elaine took it? -I didn't know she took it.

George

Well, it's two weeks old.

Frank Costanza

How could you let her take the TV Guide?!

George

He collects them.

Jerry

You collect TV Guide?

Frank Costanza

The nerve of that woman.

Frank Costanza

Walking into my house, stealing my collectibles!

Estelle

[screaming] Oh my God! [she enters holding a small packet] This was in our bed.

Frank

[taking the packet] What is this? [accusingly to George] A prophylactic wrapper?!

Estelle

What is this doing on my bed?!

George

I don't know, uh...

Jerry

I'll see you later. [leaves with unseemly haste]

Frank

You were having sex on our bed?!

George

Yes!

Estelle

Who told you you could have sex in our bed?

George

[pleading] Well, my bed is too small.

Frank

Your bed is too small? I'm gone two weeks and you turn our house into, into Bourbon Street!

Estelle

Where am I going to sleep?

George

What are you talking about?

Estelle

I can't sleep in there!

George

Of course you can.

Estelle

I can't! [screams] I can't!

Frank

That's it! You're grounded!

George

[incredulously] You can't ground me, I'm a grown man.

Frank

You wanna live here? You respect the rules of our house. YOU'RE GROUNDED!!!

George

By Christmas Day, I will be Brother Costanza.

Jerry

And what does Brother Costanza plan on telling Mother Costanza?

George

Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.

Kramer

Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain. It's her! I'm telling you it's her.

Jerry

Oh, you're crazy.

Kramer

Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?

Jerry

It's impossible.

Kramer

Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?

Jerry

It can't be.

Kramer

Can't it? Or is your entire world crashing down all around you?

Jerry

Alright, alright. That’s enough.

Kramer

Yeaaahhh.

Jerry

Uh, I don't feel so good.

Elaine

What's wrong?

Jerry

My stomach, I , I think it was that cookie.

Elaine

The black and white?

Jerry

Yeah.

Elaine

Not getting along?

Jerry

It's like I've got David Duke and Farrakhan down there!

Elaine

Well, if we can't look to the cookie, where can we look?

Jerry

Oh, my stomach! I feel like I'm gonna throw up!

Elaine

Wait. What about your vomit streak?

Jerry

I know! I haven't thrown up since June 29, 1980!

[Referring to him being a marine biologist] Your parents must be so proud of you, George.

George

Oh, they're busting.

What are those people doing over there? [As they approach the group] What's going on over here?

There's a beached whale, she's dying.

Is anyone here a marine biologist?

Save the whale, George. For me.

George

[Recounting the story to Jerry and Kramer at the coffee shop] So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you, boys, I was terrified. But I pressed on! And as I made my way passed the breakers, a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things but I'm telling you, Jerry, at that moment I was a marine biologist.

Elaine

[Enters the coffee shop and sits next to George] George, I'd just been reading this thing in the paper, it's unbelievable!

George

I know, I was just telling the story.

Kramer

Well come on, George, finish the story.

George

The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.

Jerry

Mammal.

George

Whatever.

Kramer

Well, what did you do next?

George

Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.

Kramer

What is that, a Titleist?

Kramer

A hole in one, huh?

George

Is that the time? I gotta get downtown and buy that suit. The store opens in twenty minutes.

Kramer

Hey, is that Elaine mannequin still there?

George

Yeah.

Kramer

Yeah?

George

The last time I saw her... she was naked.

Jerry

Yeah, And Poppie's got problems.

Jerry

How do you stop a kid from growing?

Kramer

I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.

I offered him cigarettes, but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any.

Jerry

C'mon, how was your date?

Elaine

Oh, the date...the date.

Jerry

Yeah, how was it?

Elaine

Interesting.

Jerry

Really?

Elaine

Oh yeah.

Jerry

Why? What happened?

Elaine

Let's see...how shall I put this?

Jerry

Well, just put it.

Elaine

...He took it out.

Jerry

[pause] He what?

Elaine

He took [cleans her glasses] it out.

Jerry

He took what out?

Elaine

It.

Jerry

He took it out?

Elaine

Yes sireebob.

Jerry

He couldn't.

Elaine

He did.

Jerry

Well, were you involved in some sort of amorous...

Elaine

Nooo.

Jerry

You mean he just...

Elaine

Yes.

Jerry

Are you sure?

Elaine

Oh, quite.

Jerry

There was no mistaking it?

Elaine

Jerry.

Jerry

So you were talking, you're having pleasant conversation...and then all of a sudden...

Elaine

Yeah.

Jerry

It.

Elaine

It.

Jerry

Out.

Elaine

Out.

Jerry

Well, I can't believe this. I know Phil. He's a good friend of mine. We play softball together. How could this be?

Elaine

Oh it be.

George

Well, what was I supposed to do? Get out of the shower, put on my bathrobe, go all the way down to the other end, come all the way back?

Elaine

Did you ever hear about holding it in?

George

Oh no. No, that's very bad for the kidneys.

Elaine

How do you know?

George

[scoffs] Medical journals.

Jerry

Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?

Jerry

She lives with her parents.

George

Really? Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents.

Jerry

Yeah, then maybe baldness will catch on.

George

I'm trying to get out of this Big Brother program. So when you get to Paris (handing Morty the postcards) all you have to do is drop 'em in any mailbox.

Morty

But there are no stamps on these.

George

Well no not yet, you gotta buy french stamps (pauses) I-I'll reimburse you of course.

Helen

Why are you doing this?

Jerry

He wants this guy to think he's in Paris.

Helen

Why?

Jerry

Because George is a deeply disturbed individual.

Elaine

I know they're your parents Jerry, and they're very nice people. But don't you think it's odd, that a 35-year-old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean, don't you find that abnormal?

Jerry

It is a tad askew.

Elaine

I mean they're your parents and you don't do anything. So why is this stranger doing it?

Jerry

I've hardly been out to dinner with them.

Elaine

See, see, I can't even say anything, you know, because all he's really doing is being nice. But nobody is this nice, this is like certifiably nice.

Jerry

You're right. He's insane.

Elaine

Oh, isn't that weird that George and Jane haven't had sex yet, but they're spending a weekend together?

Jerry

I know, George is pretty pleased about it. It's like she signed a letter of intent.