Jerry Seinfeld quotes from Seinfeld

Kramer

Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint; it's delicious!

Jerry

That's true.

Kramer

It's very refreshing!

Jerry

Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing into the patient!

George

What do you mean "into the patient?"

Jerry

Into the patient, literally!

George

Into the hole?

Jerry

Yes, the hole!

George

Didn't they notice it?

Jerry

No!

George

How could they not notice it?!

Jerry

Because it's a little mint. It's a Junior Mint.

George

W-What did they do?

Jerry

They sealed him up with the mint inside.

George

They left the Junior Mint in him?

Jerry

Yes!

George

I guess it can't hurt him... People eat pounds of those things.

Jerry

They eat them, they don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!

Jerry

Boy, do you smell something?

Elaine

Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of course I smell something.

Jerry

What is it?

Elaine

I think it's B.O.

Jerry

What?

Elaine

It's B.O. The valet must've had B.O.

Jerry

It can't be. Nobody has B.O. like this.

Elaine

Jerry, it's B.O.

Jerry

But the whole car smells.

Elaine

So?

Jerry

So, when somebody has B.O., the O usually stays with the B. Once the B leaves, the O goes with it.

Jerry

It still smells.

George

How could it still smell after all that?

Jerry

I don't know.

George

Well, what are you gonna do?

Jerry

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car.

George

You're selling the car?

Jerry

You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine! Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench! And I'll take anything I can get for it.

George

Maybe I'll buy it.

Jerry

Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This isn't just an odor! You need a priest to get rid of this thing!

Elaine

I still smell.

Jerry

You see? You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence! It's the beast!

George

I don't even like Drake.

Jerry

You don't like The Drake?

George

I hate The Drake.

Elaine

I love The Drake!

Jerry

How could you not like The Drake?

George

Who's The Drake?

Elaine

Who's The Drake?!

Jerry

The Drake is good!

Jerry

Again with the sweat pants?

George

What? I'm comfortable.

Jerry

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world: "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable."

George

He took a biopsy, Jerry, a biopsy!

Jerry

What'd he say?

George

He said he didn't know what it was.

Jerry

All right, so?

George

When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get out of here". That's what I wanted to hear. "Cancer? Get out of here!"

Jerry

Maybe he doesn't have a "get out of here" kind of personality.

George

How could you be a doctor and not say "get out of here"? It should be part of the training in medical school. "Cancer? Get out of here! Go home! What are you, crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut, you know that?" Told you God would never let me be successful. I never should have written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead, Jerry. Because of this.

Jerry

Can't you at least die with a little dignity?

George

No, I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I've lived my whole life in shame! Why should I die with dignity?

You're breaking up with me, aren't you?

Jerry

Do you want me to break up with you?

If that's what you want.

Jerry

I don't even know what you're talking about.

Fine. Break up with me.

Jerry

All right. We're broken up.

Can we still be friends?

George

You faked?

Elaine

On occasion.

Jerry

And the guy never knows?

Elaine

No.

Jerry

How can he not know that?

Elaine

Because I was gooood.

Jerry

I guess after that many beers he'd be pretty groggy anyway.

Elaine

[chuckles] You didn't know.

Jerry

You faked with me?

Elaine

Yeah.

Jerry

No.

Elaine

Yeah.

Jerry

You faked it?

Elaine

I faked it.

Jerry

The whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?

Elaine

Not bad, huh?

Jerry

What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?

Elaine

Fake, fake, fake, fake.

Elaine

Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.

Jerry

Sex to save the friendship. [starts to take off his shirt] Well if we have to, we have to.

Kramer

This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry, this is gonna be the new look for the '90s. You're gonna be the first pirate!

Jerry

But I don't wanna be a pirate!

Jerry

Who goes to South America?!

Elaine

People go to South America!

Jerry

Yeah, and then they come back with things taped to their large intestines!

Elaine

So because of a few bad apples, you're going to impugn an entire continent?

Jerry

Yes, I'm impugning a continent.

Kramer

I'm tellin' ya! The pigman is alive. The government's been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.

Jerry

Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.

Kramer

Oh, Jerry. Would you wake up to reality! It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.

George

I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking around I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, Hey he's no pig-man!

Jerry

Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for the pigmen. No matter what the deformity you'll find some group of perverts attracted to it. Ooo that little tail turns me on.

Kramer

Jerry, do me a favor. Next time you see that lineswoman, ask her how ball boys get that job. I'd love to do that.

Jerry

I think perhaps you've overlooked one of the key aspects of this activity- It's ball boys, not ball men. There are no ball men.

George

I show up. I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the time he comes back, I'm ensconced.

Jerry

Hmm, not bad.

George

What's the worst thing that can happen?

Jerry

Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with you tail between your legs.

George

Yeah, so?