Jerry Seinfeld quotes from Seinfeld

George

Do women know about "shrinkage"?

Elaine

What do you mean, like laundry?

George

No...

Jerry

Like when a man goes swimming...afterwards...

Elaine

[figures it out, gives a look of surprise, then confusion] It shrinks?

Jerry

Like a frightened turtle!

Elaine

Why does it shrink?

George

[growing despondent] It just does.

Elaine

...I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

George

Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong.

Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.

George

Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... with a side of potato salad ... and a cup of tea!

Elaine

Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.

Jerry

You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, because salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.

George

[sarcastically] Good for the tuna.

Elaine

[a blonde looks at George] Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.

George

So what? What am I supposed to do?

Elaine

Go talk to her.

George

Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.

Jerry

Well, here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.

George

Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.

Jerry

If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George

Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something! [He goes over to the woman] Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.

Oh, yes I was. You just ordered the exact same lunch as me.

George

[Takes a deep breath] My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

[smiles] I'm Victoria. Hi.

Jerry

Hot dog?

No, thanks. I'm watching my weight.

Jerry

I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller.

Jerry

Listen...tonight, after we finish eating, you make like you got something else to do and just "recede into the night," if you know what I mean.

Kramer

No way!

Jerry

What?

Kramer

Look, if you think I'm just going to step aside and do nothing while you defile this woman, you're crazy.

Jerry

I'm not going to "defile" her!

Kramer

That's right, because I'm going to see it doesn't happen. Look, Jerry, these girls are Miss America contestants. It's every little girl's dream. And I'm not going to let you trample that dream and make a mockery of everything the pageant stands for.

Jerry

But -

Kramer

[holds up his hand] AAAH! No buts! Those are my rules.

Elaine

Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye.

Jerry

No, there's less.

Elaine

It's possible.

Jerry

No it isn't. I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil.

Elaine

He's an enigma; a mystery wrapped in a riddle.

Jerry

Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.

George

Did you just see what happened here? Did you see the way she pointed at the check? She gave me the finger!

Jerry

That's how waitress-types express derision. They don't want to get their mouths dirty.

Jerry

Well, I cashed the checks, the checks bounced and now my Nana's missing!

Kramer

Well don't look at me!

Jerry

It's your fault!

Kramer

My fault?!? Your Nana, is missing, because she's been passing those bum checks all over town, and she finally pissed off the wrong people!

Jerry

Well, it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers.

Kramer

Well, I wouldn't go as far as that.

Jerry

You went back to the Jockeys?

Kramer

Wrong again.

Jerry

[realizing ] Oh, no.

Elaine

What? What?

Jerry

Don't you see what's goin' on here? No boxers, no Jockeys…

Jerry

The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine…Kramer, say it isn't so.

Kramer

Oh, it be so. I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it.

Jerry

[examining a spot on the couch] Is it? C-could it? Could-- Could he have? It is! Poppie peed on my sofa!

Kramer

Are you sure?

Jerry

Well, what is it then?! My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!

Kramer

I'm sure it'll come out.

Jerry

I don't care if it comes out. I can't sit on that anymore.

Kramer

Ah, you're making too much of it.

Jerry

Yeah, you're right. Just a natural human function, happens to be on my sofa... instead of in the toilet where it would normally be.

George

If it's not about sports, I find it very hard to concentrate.

Jerry

You're not very bright, are you?

George

No I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not.

Jerry

You're in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle. So you think to yourself, "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

George

No, no, no, no, no. It was not trash.

Jerry

Was it in the trash?

George

Yes.

Jerry

Then it was trash.

George

It wasn't down in; it was sort of on top.

Jerry

But it was in the cylinder.

George

Above the rim.

Jerry

Adjacent to refuse, is refuse.

George

It was on a magazine, and it still had the doily on.

Jerry

Was it eaten?

George

One little bite.

Jerry

Well, that's garbage.

You worn the suit yet?

Jerry

No, not yet.

[the waitress comes up] Have you decided?

Oh, get the swordfish. Best swordfish in the city. The best, Jerry.

Jerry

I'll have the salmon.

And you?

Ahh, you know what I think. I'm just going to have soup. Yeah, I'll save the meal for another time.

Jerry

Another time? What other time?

I had a hot dog earlier. I'm not that hungry.

Jerry

No, no, Bania, no. This is the dinner. The soup counts.

Soup's not a meal. You're supposed to buy me a meal.

Jerry

I'm not stopping you from eating. Go ahead and eat. Get anything you want.

I don't want anything but soup.

Jerry

Then that's the meal.

But I had the hot dog.

Jerry

I didn't tell you to have a hot dog. Who told you to have a hot dog?

Hey, I give you a brand-new Armani suit, and you won't even buy me a meal?

Jerry

All right, fine. Get the soup!

Jerry

So, you just pretended it didn't bother you?

George

What is that, 'boyfriend'? I don't understand that. What, what does she think I asked her out for?

Jerry

Boy, it's the way they just slip that in there, too.

George

Yeah, like it's just part of the conversation. 'Oh, my boyfriend really likes watches. He's a real watch freak.' Well, that's fabulous.

Jerry

Well, let me ask you this. What exactly did you say when you asked her out?

George

I said, 'Would you like to go for a walk or something?'

Jerry

Oh, a walk, well...

George

Or something. I said, 'Or something'!

Jerry

Or something. Yeah, that's a date.

George

There you go!

Jerry

You know, there is always the possibility that she called an audible.

George

What do you mean?

Jerry

Well, she got up to the line of scrimmage, didn't like the looks of the defense and changed the play.

George

I think things were going okay. We were having a nice conversation.

Jerry

Uh huh.

George

I mentioned how I liked horse manure.

Jerry

You did?

George

Yeah.

Jerry

Yeah. You said you liked horse manure.

George

Yeah. You know, about how when you break it down, it's really a very positive thing. You know, you have a 'newer,' with a 'ma' in front of it. MA-NURE. It's not bad.

Jerry

And it was around this point that she mentioned the boyfriend?

George

Yeah. Oh, you think because of what I said about the manure. I was just saying how it takes a negative thing, and puts a positive spin on it.

Jerry

I'm just saying there's a chance she may not have been enamored with your thoughts and feelings on manure.

George

So you don't think she really has a boyfriend?

Jerry

My honest opinion, I think she made it up.

Jerry

I can't wear these. They look ridiculous.

Kramer

Well, you look like a cowboy!

Jerry

I don't wanna be a cowboy!

Jerry

Hey! Did you get the Volvo?

George

No, I decided to go with an '89 LeBaron.

Elaine

A LeBaron?

Jerry

I thought Consumer said Volvo was the car?

George

What Consumer? I'm the consumer.

Jerry

Alright. Seems like... a strange choice.

George

Well, maybe so... but it was good enough for Mr. Jon Voight.

Elaine

Jon Voight? The actor?

George

That's right. He just happened to be the previous owner of the vehicle.

Jerry

You bought a car because it belonged to Jon Voight?

George

No, no...

Jerry

I think yes, yes. You like the idea of telling people you're driving Jon Voight's car.