Jerry Seinfeld quotes from Seinfeld

Kramer

You went to the coffee shop without me? I told ya, I just wanted to hop in the shower.

Jerry

That was an hour ago. What were you doing in there?

Kramer

Showering. How long does it take you?

Jerry

Ten minutes.

Kramer

Ten minutes? That's kooky talk. Hey Elaine, how long do you spend in the shower?

Elaine

Ten minutes.

Kramer

Let me smell you.

Elaine

All right. Whiff away.

Kramer

[after delicately sniffing Elaine] Uh... that's not bad at all.

George

So she coughed.

Jerry

Coughing? Naked? It's a turn-off, man.

George

Everything goes with naked.

Jerry

When you cough there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion.

George

You spoiled, spoiled man. You know how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked?

Jerry

But the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing - good. Naked crouching - bad.

Jerry

Hey George, I'm buyin' this car!

George

Shh. What is wrong with you? You never tell them you like the car! You're not sure what you want. You don't even know why you're here!

Jerry

So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey".

I don't much care for that term.

Jerry

Oh. Sorry, I didn't know...

No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector.

Jerry

I saw one once that could do sign language.

Yeah, I saw that one. Uh... Koko.

Jerry

Yeah, Koko.

Right, Koko. That chimp's all right. High-five.

Jerry

Hey Silvio. Just out for a little stroll in my favorite fur coat.

That is your coat?

Jerry

It sure is.

Kramer says you need it because you're an entertainer and you're desperate for attention.

Jerry

That's true.

Kramer

Hey Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his coat with his purse. Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy!

Kramer

Newman and I are reversing the peepholes on our door so you can see in.

Elaine

Why?

Newman

To prevent an ambush.

Kramer

Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies.

Jerry

But then anyone can just look in and see you.

Kramer

Our policy is, we're comfortable with our bodies. You know, if someone wants to help themselves to an eyeful, well, we say "Enjoy the show."

Jerry

You've been hiding her from us. you must really like her?

George

Ah! the minute I saw this girl, we just clicked. She's got such a nice face... hmm, her eyes, her mouth, nose...

Elaine

We know what a face consists of.

Jerry

We found out his super power is lack of money.

Elaine

Very funny.

Jerry

He's invulnerable to creditors.

Elaine

Ha ha.

Jerry

He's the "Got No Green" Lantern.

Elaine

All right, that's enough.

George

Hey, Elaine, maybe his girlfriend is "Lois Loan".

Elaine

Well crafted. [leaves, comes back] I forgot my glasses.

Jerry

He can wipe out his checking account in a single bounce!

Elaine

Keep 'em.

George

What's that?

Jerry

It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm going to Florida for his birthday.

George

How much was it?

Jerry

Two hundred, but I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift; he gets excited about the deal.

George

Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?

Jerry

Eh, I'll tell him I got it on the street. Maybe it's hot — that's his favorite.

Elaine

So Kramer's running for president of the condo?

Jerry

Yeah, it's all my father's doing. He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes.

Elaine

Who are they running against?

Jerry

Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.

Jerry

So Sophie gave me the "It's me" on the phone today.

Elaine

"It's me"? Isn't that a little premature?

Jerry

I thought so.

Elaine

She's not a me. I'm a me.

George

I'm against all "It's me's." So self-absorbed and egotistical. It's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!

George

I had 'em Jerry. They loved me.

Jerry

And then?

George

I lost 'em. I can usually come up with one good comment during a meeting, but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffes and bad puns.

Jerry

Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, say goodnight and walk off.

George

I can't return the book. It's been flagged in every Brentano's in town. So instead I'm going to steal it, return it, get my money back, and then everything will be even.

Jerry

You defile one book, steal another, get your money back, and that seems even to you?

Kramer

Well, the rickshaw's gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he phhhffew! He bolted.

Jerry

Well, you know, 85% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fall within the first three months.

Kramer

[to Newman] See, we should've gotten some collateral from him...like his bag of cans, or...his other bag of cans...

Jerry

Hey, look at the high score. "G.L.C." George Louis Costanza. That's not you, is it?

George

Yes! 860,000. I can't believe it's still standing. No one has beaten me in, like, ten years.

Jerry

I remember that night.

George

Oh, I was UNSTOPPABLE! The perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella... just the right amount of grease on the joy stick...

Here's your pizza, pea brains.

Jerry

I think I remember why we stopped coming here.