Jerry Seinfeld quotes from Seinfeld

George

When do you start to worry about ear hair?

Jerry

When you hear like a soft rustling.

Jerry

So you're pretending to be a tourist?

George

It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here, so it's okay if I'm stupid. And she knows I'm only in town visiting, so there's no messy breakups.

Kramer

So how's George?

Jerry

I don't know. They don't tell me anything. What's that?

Kramer

[holding his broken Tony award, mournfully] Tony.

Jerry

What happened to you?

Kramer

Raquel Welch. [Welch had attacked Kramer after he attempted to fire her from the set of 'Scarsdale Surprise']

Jerry

What happened to you?

Elaine

Raquel Welch.

George

What is Holland?

Jerry

What do you mean, "What is it?" It's a country right next to Belgium.

George

No, that's the Netherlands.

Jerry

Holland is the Netherlands.

George

Then who are the Dutch?

George

[To Jerry] Well, Play Now's through playing. They turned the heat way up in my office. Trying to sweat me out.

Jerry

[To Darren] Do you have to write all this stuff down?

Well, Mr. Kramer's in a meeting with Mr. Lomez but he didn't want to miss anything.

Jerry

[To George] So how hot did it get?

George

I don't know, hundred and twenty, hundred and thirty. Then they sent some guys in to sandblast for six hours, tomorrow they're putting in asbestos.

Jerry

I guess you can take anything but actual work.

George

Bring it on.

[using "the voice" that Jerry has created as a joke] Helllooo Kramer! Wellcomme! La, la, la.

Kramer

Sorry, I couldn't get out of there. [To Darren] What did I miss?

Well, after ordering Mr. Seinfeld and Mr. Costanza debated on whether or not Iron Man wore some sort of undergarment between his skin and his iron suit.

George

And I still say he's naked under there!

Jerry

[sarcastically] Oh that makes a lot of sense!

George

Aw, shut up!

Then Mr. Seinfeld went to the restroom at which point Mr. Costanza scooped ice out of Mr. Seinfeld's drink with his bare hand and used it to wash up. Mr. Costanza then remarked to me, "this never happened".

Jerry

Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. No, no, no, I do not want to stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, you should thank me. Goodbye. [Hangs up] Hey, I'm flyin' first class.

Elaine

Where did that come from?

Jerry

Patty showed me how to get mad. You gotta problem with that?

Elaine

[intimidated] No.

Jerry

Good.

Kramer

Anyway, you're lucky I was there. You lost a lot of blood.

Jerry

(nervous) ...What?

Kramer

Yeah. You got three pints of Kramer in ya, buddy!

Jerry

Well, the doctors say I got some more blood, so it looks like I owe you again.

Kramer

(confused) You didn't get the blood from me...

Jerry

Then who...?

Newman

(grinning) Hello, Jerry.

Jerry

So, you wanna grab a bite?

George

I can't. I gotta make the weekly call to the folks.

Jerry

So call now.

George

I gotta prep. I need a couple of anecdotes; a few "you were rights". It's a whole procedure.

Kramer

Hey, Jerry! Come in here a sec! Hey!

Jerry

Oh, my God!

Kramer

It's the Merv Griffin set!

Jerry

How did you get this in here?

Kramer

Oh, you just bring it in sideways and hook it.

Jerry

So where are you gonna sleep?

Kramer

Yeah... backstage.

Jerry

I just think if you borrow my blender you should return it.

Kramer

Well what’s the difference -- Come on, we're like Cain and Able.

Jerry

Yeah, you know Cain slew Abel.

Kramer

No he didn’t. They were in business together… it was dry wall, or somethin’.

Jerry

Oh, no.

Kramer

All right then, what was it?

Jerry

Well I think Abel worked hard all summer harvesting his crops, while Cain just played in the field. Then when Winter came, Able had all the nuts; Cain had no nuts, so he killed him.

Kramer

The way I remember it, Cain, he was a successful doctor, but when he took this special formula, he became Mr. Abel.

George

Saving lives? She's one step above working at the Clinique counter.

Jerry

Dermatologists. Skin doesn't need a doctor.

George

Of course not. Wash it, dry it, move on.

George

You simply must apologize.

Jerry

Must I?

George

Yes! Because it is the mature, adult thing to do.

Jerry

How does that affect me?

George

So, how come nothing ever happened between you and Nina? [suspicious] Is there a problem with her? Is she a man?

Jerry

Are you?

George

whispering Look, we are gonna settle this right now! I demand reparations! I should get to sleep with Elaine. That's the only way to punish you!

Jerry

That doesn't punish me. It punishes Elaine! And cruelly, I might add.