Jerry Seinfeld quotes from Seinfeld

Jerry

You had more bread?

Elaine

That's not the point. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy, you know? It's kind of a compliment.

Jerry

Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.

Kramer

Hey Jerry, is it all right if I put some stuff in your fridge? 'Cause mine's full.

Jerry

Yeah, sure. You don't even have a fridge, do you?

Kramer

Well, not here. [Goes into the hallway, comes back in with a huge bag]

Jerry

Kramer, wait a minute, what the hell is that?

Kramer

Well, it's chicken feed. [stuffs the bag into the fridge]

Jerry

I sense something is afoot.

Kramer

Yeah, I bought a chicken.

George

Allow me. Why?

Kramer

Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs.

Jerry

Allow me. What are you, an idiot?

Jerry

So he just shaves his head for no reason?

George

That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it!

Morty

And we want you to have the money.

Jerry

I don't need the money.

Morty

What're you talking about? You had a check bounce at the bodega.

Jerry

Oh, is that what this is all about?! I bounce a check and you sold a Cadillac?!

Helen

Well, also, Jerry, we read an article in the Sun Sentinel. [digs in her purse and extracts a newspaper clipping] It says standup comedy is not what it used to be, what with Def Jam and all.

Kramer

Yeah, that Def Jam is a force.

Helen

Jerry, you know, I hear wonderful things about Bloomingdales' executive training program.

Jerry

Oh my god.

Kramer

Y'know you've given this comedy thing your best shot. Yeah, you had some good observations, but it's over. Now, this Bloomingdale thing, that could be the next wave.

George

You're saying I stand to inherit $300,000, is that what you're saying?

Jerry

Of course, you may not see it for 20 years.

George

20 years... that long?

Jerry

Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day?

George

Unfortunately, yes.

Jerry

How's your family history?

George

I have an aunt that died at age seven.

Jerry

Really?

George

Aunt Baby.

George

Listen to the comeback: "Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you."

George

Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!

Elaine

How 'bout this one? How 'bout, "Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent."?

George

What does that mean?

Jerry

Hey, here you go: "Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six."

George

No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.

Kramer

Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.

Kramer

Hey, Elaine, do you have some free time tomorrow afternoon?

Elaine

Me?

Kramer

Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, cold-hearted business woman. When there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on throats.

Jerry

Oh, come on.

Situation number four: You're breathing on your own you're conscious, but with no muscular function.

Kramer

Well, would I be able to communicate? I don't see how. I don't like the sound of this one.

Elaine

Yeah, let's pull the cord, huh? Yank it like you're starting a mower.

Moving on.

You have liver, kidneys and gallbladder but no central nervous system.

Kramer

Well, I gotta have a central nervous system.

Elaine

Okay.

One lung, blind, and you're eating through a tube.

Kramer

No, that's not my style.

Jerry

Who was the last president to have a beard?

George

Nixon.

Jerry

No, I mean a real thick beard.

George

His was thick.

Jerry

No, I mean like a full long beard like Smith Brothers Cough Drops.

George

Falkmore.

Jerry

Who?

George

Artemis N. Falkmore.

Jerry

You made that up, right?

George

Yeah. But it sounds like a president name, doesn't it?

Jerry

Yeah. Why do presidents all have these bad names? Woodrow, Grover, Millard

George

The presidency attracts the badly named. Their ambition is based on personal insecurity. It's a classic male overcompensation.

Elaine

[after Jerry's girlfriend's toothbrush got knocked into the toilet] You still couldn't kiss her?

Jerry

She has a taint. I can't see it, but I know it's there.

Elaine

Oh, so now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level.

Jerry

Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage, and get inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if there was something there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser.

Elaine

Jer, do you see where this is going?

Jerry

Being really clean and happy?

Elaine

Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder.

Jerry

Disorder?

Elaine

And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia.

Jerry

[thoughtful] Hmm, that could hurt me.

Jerry

[disbelief] So she wanted you to come up, but you left because you thought some guy might be calling you?!

George

[animated] Some guy. Some guy? Neil! I have got to find out how he could get a girl like Danielle.

Jerry

George, you've got Danielle. Forget about Neil. You've out-Neiled him.

George

[surprised] So, I'm Neil? How did I do that?

Jerry

I don't know, but you better keep it up.

George

I'm gonna go meet Danielle. [grabs his coat] There's a new Neil in town! [triumphant laughter] Hahaha!

Jerry

[to himself] I try to take a vacation, I come back, the whole operation's a shambles. [answers phone] Hello.

Morty

Hey Jerry. Number One here. Did you go see Izzy at the back specialist?

Jerry

I will, I just walked in the door.

Helen

You have to go see him.

Jerry

Ma.

Morty

Helen, will you stop bothering him.

Helen

Jerry, that shirt has gone right to his head.

Morty

Number One, signing off.

Kramer

Jerry, I just picked up the Cubans at the bus station. [shrill] What's going on!?

Jerry

What?

Kramer

[animated] They're not real Cubans. They're Dominicans.

Jerry

So?

Kramer

So, Jerry, if my investors don't get Cubans, the whole deal's off.

Jerry

What's the difference?

Kramer

Jerry, once you've had real Cubans, there's just nothing else like it.

Jerry

[confused] We're talking about people, right?

Kramer

Yes, yes. The quality, the texture, the intoxicating aroma. These guys don't have it.

Jerry

I thought they smelled pretty nice.

Kramer

Jerry, your palate's unrefined.

Jerry

Is not.

Kramer

Is too.

Jerry

Is not.

Kramer

Is too.

Jerry

I'm not having this conversation.

Kramer

Are too.

Jerry

Am not.

Kramer

Are too.

Jerry

Am not.

Kramer

Are too.

Kramer

Well, my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.

Jerry

What is that smell?

Kramer

That's East River.

Jerry

You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked, overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?

Kramer

Technically Norfolk has more gross tonnage.

Jerry

How could you swim in that water?

Kramer

I saw a couple of other guys out there.

Jerry

Swimming?

Kramer

Floating, they weren't moving much. But they were out there.

Elaine

I've yada yada'd sex.

George

Really?

Elaine

Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.

Jerry

But you yada yada'd over the best part.

Elaine

No, I mentioned the bisque.

[in a confessional booth] Tell me your sins, my son.

Jerry

Well, I should tell you that I'm Jewish.

That's no sin.

Jerry

Oh, good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.

And this offends you as a Jewish person?

Jerry

No, it offends me as a comedian!

Kramer

Listen to yourself! [putting on a disgusted face] What? You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else in search of a dream, Jerry.

Jerry

Kramer, Whatley's from Jersey.

Kramer

Yes, and now he's a full-fledged American.

Jerry

Kramer, he's just a dentist.

Kramer

Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.

Jerry

I am not an anti-dentite.

Kramer

You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs: "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know, you're saying they should have their own schools.

Jerry

They do have their own schools!

Kramer

[in a skeptical surprised tone] - Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Jerry

Good meeting?

George

There was no meeting. But it was quite a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. The only thing is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.

Jerry

You can do that.

George

Of course. But I really wanna leave my mark this time. You know, uh, I wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying "Wow! Now that guy got canned!"