Jerry Seinfeld quotes from Seinfeld

Newman

Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it! [pushes Elaine out the door and closes it] All right, now here's the lowdown. Through a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.

Jerry

Not from the footage I've seen.

George

Susan has this doll collection, and one of the dolls looks exactly like my mother. She likes to sleep with it.

Jerry

Wow. You were in bed with your mother last night?

George

Felt like it. I tell you, this doll is pretty spooky. It's freakin' me out, man.

Jerry

Excuse me. Excuse me. Are you asking him out?

Yeah... I guess you could say that..

Jerry

Right in front of me! How do you know we're not together? Two guys sitting, laughing, drinking "Champagne Coolies."

Kramer

Hey, buddy. I am waiting for my shirt.

Jerry

You got your shirt in my oven?

Kramer

I didn't have any quarters for the dryer. Anyway, this is better. And it's more convenient.

Jerry

[ironically] For both of us.

Kramer

And I have a lot more control. I have one shirt going for ten minutes at 325 degrees.

Jerry

What's wrong with your oven?

Kramer

I'm baking a pie!

Kramer

[fixing up his pants] Yeah... Look at this, Mickey. These pants are fallin' apart, huh?

Jerry

You know, when I first met you, Kramer, you used to wear jeans all the time.

Kramer

Yeah, well, I was a different man then.

Jerry

With a different body.

Kramer

Hey, I got the body of a... taut, preteen Swedish boy.

Jerry

Hey, uh... what'd you get there?

Kramer

I bought Dungarees.

Elaine

Kramer, they're painted on!

Kramer

Well, they're slim-fit.

Jerry

Slim-fit?

Kramer

Yeah, they're streamlined.

Jerry

You're walkin' like Frankenstein!

Kramer

What? They just gotta be worked in a little bit, that's all.

Jerry

It was unprecedented. I mean, it was the first truly mutual breakup in relationship history. No rejection, no guilt, no remorse.

Elaine

You've never felt remorse.

Jerry

I know. I feel bad about that.

George

What were you saying to the Rosses over there anyway?

Jerry

Oh man, I don't know. I told them her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.

George

What is that?

Jerry

Star Trek 2.

George

Wrath of Khan!

Jerry

Yeah, Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies, they wrap it up in a towel and they shoot him out the bowels of the ship in that big sun glasses case.

George

[somber] It was a hell of a thing when Spock died.

Jerry

Yeah.

Jerry

I can't believe I'm losing Pam!

Newman

I know how you feel. For I, too, have a woman for whom I pine.

Jerry

I thought we were talking about me.

Newman

Right.

Jerry

Anyway, I don't need your help. [turns to leave]

Newman

Oh, don't you? Joke boy? You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused nightclub rabble that lap up your inane "observations"?

Jerry

Alright, Newman. What do I have to do to get you to stop pulling the strings for Kramer?

Newman

Well, there is a little something you can do for me...

Jerry

C'mon, out with it.

Newman

It's about...Elaine.

Jerry

Elaine? What does she have to - [pause] Oh no...

Newman

You dated her. Give me some inside information. Anything I can use!

George

So, this, uh, Anna, calls me from out of the blue.

Jerry

Really? I thought you were re-buffed.

George

With extreme prejudice.

Jerry

Maybe Elaine put in a good word for you.

George

No, see, that’s just the thing- Anna told me that Elaine said I was one of the worst seeds she’d ever seen.

Jerry

Interesting. She doesn’t care for you, then a stern warning, suddenly a phone call. Seems Elaine’s made you the “bad boy”. And Anna digs the bad boy.

George

I‘m “the bad boy”. I’ve never been the bad boy.

Jerry

You’ve been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend…

George

Yeah. Yes. Yes…

Jerry

The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk…

George

Ok, the point is made!

Jerry

The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen… [George leaves some change on the table as he leaves] The bad tipper!

Jerry

What happened to my stereo? It's all smashed up.

Kramer

That's right. Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400.

Jerry

But you were supposed to get me a refund.

Kramer

You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago.

Jerry

So we're going to make the post office pay for my new stereo?

Kramer

It's just a write-off for them.

Jerry

How is it a write-off?

Kramer

They just write it off.

Jerry

Write it off what?

Kramer

Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.

Jerry

You don't even know what a write-off is.

Kramer

Do you?

Jerry

No. I don't.

Kramer

But they do and they are the ones writing it off.

Newman

Let me ask you this. Don't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo? I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.

Jerry

Define "rarely".

Newman

Frequently.

Jerry

See that salesman, twirling that umbrella?

Elaine

Uh huh.

Jerry

I invented that.

Elaine

That had to be invented?

George

[about Elaine's boyfriend] He's giving you furniture? Who is this guy?

Jerry

Who are any of her losers?

George

You're on that list.

[Calling out the next order up over the restaurant's p.a. system] Number 67- family feast.

Newman

[Jumps up from his seat and runs to the counter] Number 67! Right here.

Jerry

Hello, Newman.

Newman

Hello, Jerry.

And don't forget your steamed broccoli. [Hands Newman a container but Jerry grabs it instead]

Jerry

Hold it. Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!

Newman

I love broccoli. It's... good for you.

Jerry

Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?

Newman

Gladly. [chews broccoli, then spits it out] VILE WEED!

Jerry

It's for Kramer, isn't it? I knew it! The greasy doorknob, the constant licking of the fingers! He's hooked on the chicken! Isn't he?

Newman

[desperately] Yes! Now, please, someone, honey mustard! [takes a shot of the mustard, pounds his hand on the counter twice, exhales and leaves]