Jerry Seinfeld quotes from Seinfeld

Jerry

Who are these nitwits that get on a plane with nothing to read? You know who these people are?

Elaine

Who?

Jerry

These are the people that want to talk to you. They got nothing else to do, why not disturb you?

Elaine

I will never understand people.

Jerry

They're the worst.

George

You have any idea how fast these things deteriorate when there's an 'I love you' out of the bag? You can't have a relationship where one person says 'I love you,' and the other one says 'I'm hungry, let's get something to eat.'

Jerry

Unless you're married...

George

Now she thinks I'm one of these guys that loves her. Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them!

Jerry

No, people hate that.

George

You want to be with somebody that doesn't like you.

Jerry

Ideally.

George

I am never saying 'I love you' again unless they say it first.

Jerry

Well, you know, we were having dinner the other night, and she's got this strangest habit: she eats her peas one at a time. You've never seen anything like it. It takes her an hour to finish them. I mean, we've had dinner other times. I've seen her eat corn niblets, but she scooped them.

George

She scooped the niblets?

Jerry

Yes. That's what was so vexing.

Kramer

Look at this, Jerry. That's littering.

Jerry

Maybe you better call the cops and turn me in.

Kramer

Maybe I will.

Kramer

You know you hurt the Maestro's feelings.

Jerry

Oh what, because I didn't call him "Maestro"?

Kramer

That's right.

Jerry

Ya know, I feel a little funny calling somebody "Maestro."

Kramer

Why?

Jerry

Because it's a stupid thing to be called.

Kramer

Jerry, he's a conductor.

Jerry

Oh, conductor. He conducts the Policeman's Benevolent Association Orchestra.

Jerry

New shirt?

George

Yeah. You like it?

Jerry

No, not particularly.

George

Why, the color?

Jerry

Yeah.

George

Too flashy?

Jerry

Yeah, it's burning my retina.

Jerry

I still can't believe, you're going out on a blind date.

Elaine

I'm not worried. It sounds like he's really good looking.

Jerry

You're going by sound? What are we, whales?

Elaine

I think I can tell.

Jerry

Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking?

Elaine

25 percent.

Jerry

25 percent, you say? No way! It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a 20 to 1 shot.

Elaine

You're way off.

Jerry

Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there.

Elaine

So what you are saying is that 90 to 95 percent of the population is undateable?

Jerry

UNDATEABLE!

Elaine

[To George after he mocked her catalogue] Yeah, what do you do all day?

George

Not that much.

Jerry

I thought that new promotion was supposed to be a lot more work.

George

Yeah, when the season starts. Right now I sit around pretending that I'm busy.

Jerry

How do you pull that off?

George

I always look annoyed. Yeah, when you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy. Think about it... [puts on an annoyed face]

Elaine

Yeah, you do! He looks very busy!

Jerry

Yeah, he looks busy!

George

I know what I'm doin.' In fact Mr. Wilhelm gave me one of those little stress dolls. All right, back to work. [puts on the annoyed face]

George

Medium Turkey Chili.

Jerry

Medium Crab Bisque.

George

[Looking in the paper bag his cup of soup is in] I didn't get any bread.

Jerry

Just forget it. Let it go.

George

Excuse me, I think you forgot my bread.

Bread, two dollars extra.

George

Two dollars? But everybody in front of me got free bread.

You want bread?

George

Yes, please.

THREE dollars!

George

What?!

NO SOUP FOR YOU! [snaps fingers]

Jerry

Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it?

George

I am not giving you my code.

Kramer

I bet I can guess it.

George

Yeah, right.

Kramer

Oh, alright. Let's see... Well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. What kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you?

George

Huh?

Kramer

You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No, no, no, no, yours is a sweet tooth.

George

[getting nervous] Get out of here.

Kramer

Oh, you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master: the cocoa bean.

George

[gets up] I'm leaving.

Kramer

No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you!

George

I gotta go.

Kramer

[chasing after George] If you could, you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!

George

Shut up!

Kramer

Nestle's Quik!

George

Shut up!

Kramer

Well, you know the important thing is that you learned something.

Jerry

No, I didn't.

Jerry

She's too good.

George

Too good?

Jerry

I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.

George

I see what you mean.

Jerry

I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.

Kramer

Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here. What, are you unhappy with our arrangement?

Jerry

What arrangement?

Kramer

I was under the impression that I could take anything I wanted from your fridge, and you take whatever from mine.

Jerry

Well, let me know when you get something in there.

I don't feel like taking a ride. Do I have to take a ride?

Jerry

He doesn't wanna take a ride.

Morty

Uh-huh.

What d'you think? I've never ridden in a Cadillac before? Believe me, I've ridden in a Cadillac hundreds of times. Thousands!

Morty

Thousands?

What? D'you think you're such a big shot now because you got a Cadillac?

Morty

[dismissive] Ahh!

[dismissive] Ahh!

Morty

Do you believe that guy?

Jerry

[sarcastically] Ahh!

Morty

Alright, are you ready to eat?

Helen

Oh, right, let's go. Jerry, let's go, it's time to eat. We're going to dinner.

Jerry

Dinner? What time is it?

Helen

It's 4:30

Jerry

4:30? Who eats dinner at 4:30?

Morty

By the time we sit down, it'll be quarter to 5.

Jerry

I don't understand why we have to eat now.

Helen

We gotta catch the early-bird. It's only between 4:30 and 6.

Morty

Yeah. They give you a tenderloin, a salad and a baked potato, for $4.95. You know what that cost you after 6?

Jerry

Can't we eat at a decent hour? I'll treat, okay?

Helen

You're not buying us dinner.

Jerry

I'm not force-feeding myself a steak at 4:30 to save a couple of bucks, I'll tell you that!