Jerry Seinfeld quotes from Seinfeld

Jerry

You got no waist in that thing.

George

And your arms look like something in a kosher deli.

Would you be able to come all the way downtown during rush hour again?

Jerry

Well, I'd have to be Superman to do that, Lois.

George

Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it!

Jerry

They did not have roommates in the middle ages!

George

Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together.

Jerry

The point is I intend to undertake this. And I'll do it with or without you. So if you're scared, if you haven't got the stomach for this, let's get it out right now! And I'll go on my own. If not, you can get on board and we can get to work! Now what's it going to be?

George

Alright, dammit, I'm in.

Jerry

What's this?

Kramer

It's an eye patch.

Jerry

You look like a pirate.

Kramer

I wanna be a pirate.

George

I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic, it's a pleasure.

Jerry

Good to have you back.

George

And you know what else I've decided to do? I'm going to keep seeing the bald woman.

Jerry

She's as good as anybody else.

George

Her scalp was clean. She had a nice skull. There just wasn't a lot of hair on it.

Jerry

Yeah you've had like a religious awakening. You're like a bald-again.

Jerry

So George, how do I beat this lie detector?

George

I'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you.

Jerry

Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me.

George

Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavorotti, "Teach me to sing like you."

Jerry

All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe I'm doing this.

George

Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie if you believe it.

Jerry

I'm going on record right now that was my last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her.

Elaine

Why?

Jerry

Well, frankly, outside of a sexual relationship, I don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking either, but one step at a time. If you could say touch her breast as part of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little bit better.

Elaine

How about an intercourse hello? How would that be?

Jerry

Elaine, now you're just being ridiculous.

Jerry

I'm going up to see Elaine Benes.

What are you, the boyfriend? Here for a quickie?

Jerry

[waiting foe the elevator] How 'bout those Knicks?

Oh, I see. On the sports page...

Jerry

Yeah.

What makes you think I wasn't reading the Wall Street page? Oh, I know, because I'm the uneducated doorman.

Jerry

[dressed as a doorman] Hey, hey, wait a second. You live here?

Of course I live here! I've lived here for twenty years. Now if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police and have you arrested!

Jerry

[yells] You think you're better than me?

Jerry

You said, "George likes spicy chicken."

George

No I didn't.

Elaine

Yes, you did. You said, "George likes spicy chicken."

Jerry

You know what you're doing? You're turning into Jimmy.

George

George is getting UPSET!

Elaine

What's this, a drawing of Mr. Magoo?

Jerry

No, that's George.

George

[realizing that his girlfriend doesn't care what he looks like or what he wears] You know Jerry; I've been searching for someone a long time. Well, the search is over.

Jerry

And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins.

George

So, did you get your new plates?

Kramer

Oh... yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.

George

What do they say?

Kramer

Assman.

Jerry

Assman?

Kramer

Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!

Jerry

Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?

George

Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.

Jerry

It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.

Kramer

Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.

Jerry

Yeah. Proctologist.

George

Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.

Kramer

Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one!"

Jerry, I don't want you to freak out.

Jerry

I'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out!

Jerry

So, what're you doing about Morgan?

George

You know, what would be great? If she could see me with some of my black friends.

Jerry

Yeah except you don't really have any black friends. Outside of us, you don't have any white friends either.