Hilda Spellman quotes from Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Why didn't you guys tell me that there's a rule that on Friday the 13th I can tell a mortal I'm a witch?

Hilda

Oh, the one where you can tell anyone you want and they can know for a whole twenty-four hours?

Yes.

We didn't want you to know.

S2 To Tell a Mortal

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We have a problem, our niece Sabrina has a case of Egotitis.

BBob

Yeah? That’s not your only problem...

Hilda

It isn’t?

BBob

Nah - You’ve got one sorry looking Christmas tree.

It looked better with presents.

S2 Sabrina Claus

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Hilda

Do you realise what you’ve done?!

What, Bob’s going to sue?

No! He’s Santa Claus!

[horrified] What?!

Hilda

That’s right - you’ve just maimed Father Christmas!

So, I guess I’m not the only one not getting presents this year...

S2 Sabrina Claus

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Hilda

Well, Salem... your temperature is alarmingly high

[surprised] I'm really sick?

Hilda

Yes, and that can only mean one thing...

More attention and sympathy?

Hilda

[grins] A nice cold bath!

[Hilda points and a kitty bath appears on the table with ice cubes floating in it]

What?! [quickly] I’m feeling better! [Hilda picks him up as the scene switches to an exterior shot of the house] I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!

S2 Finger Lickin' Flu

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[on laptop] I’m so happy, I could plotz!

Not on the kitchen table.

You can say goodbye to this furry little punim!

Hilda

Salem, what’s with all the Yiddish? Are you going into show business?

I’m online with a camel in Jerusalem who used to be an Amway salesman.

Why did the Witches' Council turn him into a camel?

He used to be an Amway salesman. Anywho... He was wandering through the desert, when he found a scroll that said witches like me can be turned back into their former selves, if they’re kissed by someone who loves them.

Why can’t you just play Solitaire like regular cats?

One little kiss and I can once again be a man! I’ll no longer be a schlemiel!

Salem, don’t trust chat rooms.

Hilda

Besides, you little yutz, who’re you going to get to kiss you?

Pucker up.

Hilda

If I helped turn you into a man, the Witches' Council will turn me into a cat. What a sad, pathetic existence that would be...

Moving on... I love ya Zelda!

I love you, too... [kisses her finger and places it on his head] ...But I’m not in love with you.

Oh, Sabrina...

Not until you find a new way of grooming yourself.

Mean! There must be somebody out there who’s not so stingy with kisses! [Hilda conjures up a Boxer dog, who immediately starts slobbering over him] Oh lord, he’s got toilet-water breath! [sobs]

S3 Boy, Was My Face Red

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MMounty

Freeze!

Hilda

As if we can do anything ELSE in this weather...

S3 Pancake Madness

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MMounty

Before I let you go, I have to ask you a few questions about the Mortal Realm to prove you live there - standard procedure

Fire away! I DO have three P.h.D's!!

MMounty

What are the names of the Hanson brothers?

Who??

Hilda

Isaac, Zachary and Taylor

MMounty

What actor from Marcus Wellby just married Barbara Streisand?

Ooh, ooh... Robert Young!

Hilda

James Brolin

MMounty

Sports. Who's the best ----

Hilda

...Michael Jordan!

MMounty

Correct, you can go!

Hilda

Yes!! (Hi-fives Zelda, both attempt to leave)

MMounty

(holding Zelda back) Oh, not you

But -- but, but...

MMounty

You didn't answer one question, there's no WAY you live in the Mortal Realm

But I DO! I know who wrote Pride & Prejudice! I know who discovered the Uranium Isotope!

MMounty

No one in the Mortal Realm knows those things!

(being dragged off by Mounty) HILDAAA!!!

Hilda

I'll help you, Zelda! Go back to the bar and wait for me - you'll be okay! Tonight's ladies' night and... you'll be the only lady!

S3 Pancake Madness

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Sabrina [before being thrown to the lions during Rome's national anthem]: Hey, it's Roland and Salem!

Oh, thank Zeus!

RRoland

I'm sorry I ducked out on you, [indicates Salem] but I had to talk Charlie Powermooger out of taking down Microsoft.

I thought I could resist power, [weeping] but I'm weeeeak! I'm sorry, Sabrina. I didn't want to hurt you; I just wanted to rule you! [Sabrina makes a weird face; Salem faces the Witch Judge] Your Honor, I'm ready to be a cat again.

WJWitch Judge

Sabrina, once again, you dodged the bullet (Sabrina smiles) That´s the name of the lion, "Bullet"

Thank you guys! If you´re excuse me I think I´m gonna faint... (she faints)

Hilda

[to Caligula] No! She doesn´t need mouth to mouth!

S3 Salem the Boy

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Mother's maiden name?

Becker.

Hilda

Favorite dessert that doesn't involve chocolate?

There isn't one. How long is this going to go on?

Until we make absolutely sure you're the real Sabrina.

Hilda

Say "Woo hoo".

Woo hoo.

Imposter! J'accuse!

Back off furball, or I'm gonna tell Aunt Zelda about the time I caught you in her lingerie drawer trying on her lacy red...

It's Sabrina!

S5 You Can't Twin

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Hilda

Sabrina, I do not want a birthday party, I do not want one on the beach, I do not want one with a sneach, I do not want one up in space, I do not want one any place!