We're white trash, and we'll stay white trash till the day they haul us out to the curb.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[to Becky who is now again played by Lecy Goranson] Where the hell have you been?
Just getting this.
Took you long enough, seems like you've been gone for 3 years.
[Becky walks into the laundry room]
Where the hell have you been?
(laughs) Why does everybody keep saying that?
(about Andy) You gave him Oreos? Roseanne, what about my list? I specifically asked you not to feed him any junk food.
Hey, you can spit and swear, you can even take the Lord's name in vain, but you will not come into my house and refer to Oreos as junk food!
I am willing to admit, I have got a lot to learn about being a mother, but, so do you!
I HAD a lot to learn and I learned it and now I'm done!
(trying to rework the Lunch Box menu) Mrs. Conner, I know that you want to compete with that restaurant, but you can't have me keep drawing little red hearts next to the Chili Cheese Fries, and call it the "Lite And Healthy" menu!
You're right, David. So why not draw a cancer-riddled colon? That'll draw 'em in!
[Roseanne is grilling Dan because she knows he went to the diner's competition for lunch] I ate those peanut butter cracker things all day from the vending machine at work. Really filling.
All day, huh? Say, what number would they be on the vending machine?
[pause] B3.
That's wrong, that's the Clark bar. Try again.
G6.
The O'Henry. Any idiot knows that.
[Roseanne and Jackie were infiltrating the diners competition at night planting dead fish. Attempted to put one in the air vent and got stuck in it.]
I know! We'll turn on the stove, the heat will cause the metal to expand, and then you can get out!
I'm standing on the stove! ...It's amazing how you can have your head stuck in a vent and still not be the stupidest person in the room.
Hey check it out! There's a bottle of peppermint schnapps with a card from Mom. (reading card) "Dear Leon, congratulations on 5 years of sobriety."
Man, she is twisted.
So, what did you like better, Becky? Schnapps in coffee, schnapps on the cake, or schnapps over ice cream?
(drunk and confused) Ok.
Man, you are schnapp faced. What the hell are you doing back there?
Just a little meat sculpture. (lifts platter with meat in the shape of Roseanne's head) Guess who this is. (imitating Roseanne) Darlene! Becky! My back's itchy right in the center!
God, it's mom. It's Mom Tartare.
How long do you think it will take to cook Mom's head?
2 and a half hours at 350. I've thought about it a lot.
[on the guests at the bar mitzvah] Man, these people are completely rude for no reason. I love it here!
RFRabbi Farkas
[to Roseanne and Dan, who are crashing a bar mitzvah at their hotel and pretending to be Jewish] What temple do you belong to?
Temple... Beth... Midler.
RFRabbi Farkas
Really, I've never heard of that. Are you reformed?
No, but we're trying to cut down.
BABandleader at Bar Mitzvah
Well, we're gonna take a little break now, ha ha. When we come back, the Meyer family has requested something from Fiddler on the Roof, so if you have any requests, please don't hesitate, ha ha.
What about something from Jesus Christ Superstar?
BBandleader
[laughing nervously] Well, there's one in every crowd!
KKids
Trick or treat, trick or treat, give me something good to eat.
Mom [played by Sarah Chalke - aka Becky #2]: Hi, your house is so warm and cozy! I love it! [looks at the treats in the kids' bags] Thank you so much, you are nice nice nice!
Hey, this is like deja vu all over again.
MMom
Buh-bye!
KKids
Bye! Happy Halloween!
Bye! [closes the door] Gee, I wish we had a daughter that sweet.
Just wasn't in the cards, honey.
Hello, I'm Roseanne Barr Pentland Arnold Thomas, or as I like to call me, Roseanne. What you are about to see is the original pilot for the Roseanne show. This episode has been lost for some forty years, along with my mind. The only difference is, this episode has been found. Love to all my fans.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.