Oh, he's using my Cosmo! That makes me, like, his dealer.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Trust me, this is not a time when a boy needs his mother.
PZPhyllis Zimmer
Did Roseanne ever find out about us?
Yes. [points to his teeth] False, false, crown, bridge.
I cannot believe they replaced that Darrin.
It was a hit show. They knew they could get away with anything.
(Sarah Chalke) I like the second Darrin much better.
Glad you could make it, Fred.
Well, with sixteen cousins, my family could use the extra room at the kids' table.
[to Roseanne] Sixteen cousins, I didn't know Fred had sixteen cousins.
We're a fertile people, Jackie. Guess I don't need to tell you that.
You know, Fred, us being here is making it very hard for them to talk about us behind our back. To the living room, for football.
[to Roseanne, as Fred and Dan leave] No family for Thanksgiving, huh? Stop trying to shove us together.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the two of you have already been shoved together.
You were pregnant with me before you married Dad?!
Damn right she was. Well, we always lied about the day she got married. She got married June 1952, and you were born in November 1952. Do a little math.
You are not senile, you're just mean. You promised me that you would never tell them! [Leaves in hysterics through the kitchen] No one in this whole family cares about me! My children don't love me! You don't love me! I'm all alone! Alone!!!
I'm going after her, Dan. Release the dogs!
You okay, Jackie?
Outta my way, Fred. I'm not missin' this.
Yeah, Fred, we're quite a family. Now that you've gotten one of us pregnant, it's too late to escape! [laughs maniacally]
(on phone) Mark hit Dad, and then Dad hit Mark really hard. Man, Darlene, you picked the wrong year to miss Thanksgiving.
(on having stolen his parents' car) I was just going down the street. George dared me. Then i got stuck in the mud and couldn't get out.
So you come all the way home and just go to bed and you don't even tell us about it?!
I forgot!
Roseanne (to DJ): I'm really sorry that I hit you, D.J. It was totally wrong, I never should have done it and I am so mad at myself for doin' it!
...I wanna go upstairs! (stands up)
(pulls him into her lap) No! No- you can't go upstairs 'till we talk this all out. Umm...I know how you're feeling. I know you're feeling mad, and kind of embarassed, and..
Wrong!
Well, that's the way I used to feel when I got hit.
(frowns)...Who hit you?
Your grandpa hit me. A lot.
But what'd you do wrong?
I don't know, maybe I breathed or something.
Did you hate him?
(pause) Yeah, sometimes. You know, 'cause, uh, the worse thing was that he never ever said he was sorry for any of it, you know? (her voice breaks) But...I don't want you hating me, DJ. I'm really sorry that I hit you- and no matter what, I'm never gonna hit you again, ever.
No matter what I do?
Yeah, no matter what you do.
(pause) I'm sorry you got hit.
I'm sorry you got hit, too- BIG sorry, like- like "now-would-be-a-great-time-to-ask-me-for-a-new-puppy" kind of sorry. (D.J. laughs and gives her a hug)
D.J., I bought you your video games yesterday- you keep your mouth shut about David, or you die.
(defensively) O.K. (pause) Why is David here, anyway?
(takes a soda from her fridge) Because he couldn't stand your smell either.
No- really, why is he here?
Because we wanted to be together.
(confused) Why?
Because we... do. (smirks) When you have a girlfriend someday- or, a really good blow-up doll- you'll understand.
... Do you guys have sex?
(smirks, then acts defensive)... That is not for you to know!
I'll tell Mom about David.
All right- all right, D.J. I'm gonna level with you and talk to you like you're an adult. No- David and I are not having sex.
They told us at school: If you don't want a baby, you better use birth control.
(pause, then walks past him and sits down)... No, no- this conversation is not happening.
Do you use birth control?
(sarcastic) Yes, D.J.- we keep a picture of you right next to the bed.
(comes over and sits next to her on the bed) You're not ever coming home again, are you?
You should be so lucky.
(annoyed) It's all different now!
(frowns) What is?
Everything. Becky just cares about Mark, and you're gone.
(pause, then smiles) Well, gee, Deej- I never thought you'd actually miss me. (puts her arm around his shoulder and ruffles his hair) You want me to, like, sit on your head or something?
Mmm- nah, maybe later.
Roseanne, your Christmas decorations outside were appalling. The Wise Men are supposed to be adoring the baby Jesus, not leering at Mrs. Claus.
Of course they're leering at her. She's wearing one of those Bunz outfits.
And what on earth are those shepherds doing to the flock?
Grazing them. Well, it's time to turn on our simple white lights. [He puts on sunglasses and opens the door] Mother Harris, won't you join us?
[Dan, D.J., and Bev go outside. Roseanne hangs the "beer can" wreath on the door, turns the lights off inside, and joins them. The lights are turned on as a very bright light pours into the house.]
What is Santa Claus doing?
Well, he's just telling the whole neighborhood that Christmas is number one. Hit the music, Dan.
[Dogs barking "Jingle Bells" plays.]
Oh we've just gotta have that kid over more often. He makes our other kids look less odd!
I think every kid on earth looks less odd next to Elijah Minnelli.
[starts kicking his legs and singing "New York, New York"] "Start spreadin' the news..."
That's Elijah with a J!
[to Becky] Men need to be molded. [watches Dan drink milk from the carton] Think of them not as lumps of clay, but... as lumps.
[burps] Outta milk. [sets the empty milk carton down on the table and leaves]
Shhh! Mark's reading.
Oh well, I hate to ruin the ending of it for ya, Mark, but he eats the Green Eggs and Ham.
I'm studying upstairs. [leaves in a huff]
Don't pick on him, Mom. He's really doing it this time. We've spent all day working together. I can't believe how much he's learned.
Well, does this mean that we'll have to stop spellin' stuff out that we don't want him to know about?
RRoy
So you want something to drink?
Yeah thanks, I think a tumbler of penicillin would really hit the spot.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.