[DJ is on the phone]
uh-huh....uh-huh...uh-huh. (hangs up)
Oh, isn't that sweet. My son just closed his first drug deal.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
:[on phone with DJ's teacher] yes, this is Mrs. Conner. Yeah, DJ is sick. Oh, its a stomach bug. We all have it. In fact, I feel like I have to throw up right now. Oh, don't worry, it's a cordless, you can come along.
Y'know, you think Darlene's helping you out, but she really isn't; she's telling me everything. This whole thing is just a big plan that we worked out to set you up.
No it isn't!
How can you be sure?
'Cause Darlene told me you'd say that. [leaves]
[under her breath] Daaaaamn.
Yes, this is Mrs. Conner. No, he hasn't been able to make it, he's been very sick.
(switches to the other line, where Fred hands the phone to Roseanne)
Don't mess with the master, Darlene. You guys are in so much trouble, I am going to make you wish I was never born. Oh, and by the way, I know that you and David made up, too.
How'd you find out?
'Cause you just told me.
D.J., come on! I'm walking you to school today.
(sees Roseanne in her robe): Oh no, you're not going in that, are you?
Oh no D.J., I wouldn't do that to you. But I would do...(take off her robe to reveal trashy hillbilly clothes) this! And look, I found your old Sesame Street lunchbox so you won't have to be embarrassed with those big brown bags anymore. Oh, my, just a minute, wait one minute here, this...(takes out lipstick and coats her mouth with it; D.J. is completely horrified while Jackie is laughing) is for when I kiss you goodbye. Okay, come on, we've got to hurry, 'cause I've got to make it up to Chicago to surprise your sister. I want to get there in time for one of her big classes. I'm going to dance for them!
[Roseanne gets an egg from the fridge]
THIS is your brain. [sits it on the table] Dan, a pan. [Dan stands up and gets a pan, then hands it to her] And THIS is your brain on drugs.
[crushes the egg with the pan, making the egg messy]
Got it.
Jackie [sitting in the bathtub]: Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?
(pulls back shower curtain) Oh hi, Jackie! We thought you...you went home.
Why me? I got nothing. No boyfriend, no meaningful job, no husband, no family, it's just me. It's just me and my ganja.
(knocks on bathroom door) Mom?
The jig is up! (pulls back shower curtain)
DJ. Deejay. Deeejay. DJ...DJ....did you ever notice how weird that sounds? DJ...
Shhh! Dan, maintain. WHAT DO YOU WANT DJ?
I don't smoke pot. It dulls my hatred.
Hold on, Roseanne, I have something to tell my mother. I'm pregnant. I went out with a guy I hardly know, we had sex for hours, and I'm pregnant. And I'm not going to marry him! I'm keeping the baby, and if it's a girl I'm naming it Gidget.
And what if it's a boy? How 'bout that drummer you were so crazy about...Bongo?
D.J.'s finally got a friend that's not imaginary!
Trust me, he goes in that room 'cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time. Which means he's either really, really good at it or really really bad at it!
Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this, y'know, 'cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer!
Well, don't worry, how much damage could he do with only one free hand?
Let's talk about DJ's school.
Yeah, I heard he got caught playing with his instrument in band.
I'm not in band, stupid!
OK, next subject. Dan, how was work?
Well, today was a special one for me. It was the 179th day in a row where I did exactly the same thing!
Well, DJ over here is well on his way to shattering that record.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.