Becky Conner quotes from Roseanne

[about Darlene] Can't we have her put to sleep?

Roseanne

Well, we tried, but the vet backed out.

Mom, can Darlene and I go and see what's left of the neighborhood?

Roseanne

Yeah, be careful where you walk though, and no looting unless it fits me.

Darlene

Will Dad have a third cup of coffee?

Will Mom get off the sofa by noon?

Roseanne

Will you get the hell out of my house?

Dan

[Becky walks into kitchen all dressed up] Hold it! Could this woman be my little Becky?

Darlene

Not all of her. If I were you I'd check upstairs for some missing Kleenex.

Darlene, you have such a big mouth.

Darlene

And you have such a small chest.

At least I have a chest!

Darlene

At least I'm not a drooling boy-crazed nymphomaniac.

Roseanne

Hey, leave me out of this!

You're just jealous 'cause I have a date.

Darlene

And a two-ply chest!

Hermaphrodite!

Darlene

[temporarily speechless] Oh yeah?! [leaves kitchen]

Roseanne

I heard you laid down the law.

Who told you?

Roseanne

It was on the news. ... Darlene told me.

Darlene

[grilling Becky about why Becky was caught reading Dan's girlie magazine] You wanna be like those girls, don't you?

Shut UP!

Darlene

You know you do. [mimicking fashion model movements] Why don't you show Mom and Dad your Sexy Walk?

[hitting Darlene on the arm] I hate you, Darlene. [flees the kitchen]

Darlene

[grabbing her arm] OWWWW, you sexy thing!!!

Then you open your mouth a little bit.

Darlene

You open your mouth?! For what?!

Roseanne

[walking into the bedroom] So, you can slip him the tongue.

When you first met Dad, did you want to kiss him all the time?

Roseanne

Well, somebody had to do it. And you know me: work, work, work.

Jackie

Roseanne, do you remember Mrs. Osmand?

Roseanne

Oh yeah, she was scary.

Who's Mrs. Osmand?

Jackie

Oh, she was this madwoman over on Elm Ridge who had this black haggy hair and used to dress up like a vampire and jump out at us.

Roseanne

Too bad she never did it on Halloween.

Jackie

Hey, sis, didn't she wind up in jail for the criminally insane?

Roseanne

Yeah, and I think I read somewhere that she just got released.

Darlene

Do you think she'll come back to Lanford?

Roseanne

If she's truly insane she will.

Mom, are you through in the bathroom yet?

Dan

Honey, I'm through in there.

Darlene

Mom, I did my homework, but I still need you to sign here.

DJ

Mom, can you make me a sandwich?

Mother, I haven't seen you all week. You're neglecting me.

Roseanne

I know honey, but it's nothing personal. I'm neglecting your brother and sister too.

D.J.

What's going on?

Got me.

D.J.

Mom, what's going on?

Roseanne

We're playing a game.

D.J.

Can I play?

Dan

No, you're too mature to play this game.

Can I have my allowance?

Dan

It's an honor to have you on the payroll.

(to Roseanne after hearing she is grounded for another week) You're being totally unfair just because I don't want to eat your stinkin' beans!

Roseanne

Wrong, I'm being totally unfair because that is my job!

Roseanne

For God's sake, Becky, you're 14 years old!

Mom, everything I do... everything I feel, it's always "Well, she's 14." I mean, when you guys do something, people don't go, "Well, she's 37."

Roseanne

[pauses] ...36 and a half.