Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

Roseanne

(turns off the Radio) I got four kids for God sake. Actually I do. Who am I Kidding?

Roseanne

(to Harris) I owe you an apology. I've been trying to fix your body. We're not bodies with souls. We're souls with bodies.

Roseanne

[after Audrey attacks Dan] Audrey, what happened to you out there in California? Did you have one too many frozen mocha frappachinos?

Roseanne

Welcome To The Hillbilly Day Spa.

Dan

Are you ever sorry we got married?

Roseanne

Every second of my life.

Dan

Me, too.

Roseanne

You are, really?

Dan

[thinks] Nah.

Roseanne

OK, me neither, then.

Roseanne

The point is, you think this is a magic kingdom where you just sit up here on your throne!

Dan

Oh yeah?

Roseanne

Yeah! And you think everything gets done by some wonderful wizard - oh, poof, the laundry's folded; poof, dinner's on the table!

Dan

You want me to fix dinner? I'll fix dinner! I'm fixing dinner!

Roseanne

Oh but honey, you just fixed dinner three years ago!

Dan

think i can't cook? i can cook. i'm cooking.

Roseanne

and i'll spend the rest of the night washing up the dishes.

Dan

hey, i do the dishes.

Roseanne

when?

Dan

thursday, 6:45 p. m.

Roseanne

nineteen seventy what?

Take her to the emergency room. She needs a tourniquet!

Roseanne

Shut up, honey!

Dan

(About a drywall job) Be a lot of money if I get it.

Roseanne

You're not gonna get it.

Dan

There'll be a lot of guys puttin' bids in.

Roseanne

And they're all better than you, I bet.

Dan

Hey, I'm pretty good.

Roseanne

You're not either.

Dan

I'm the best!

Roseanne

You're the worst!

Dan

I am drywall master of the universe! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Dan

You only married me for my cooking.

Roseanne

Uh-uh. I married you 'cause you needed a date for your wedding!

Jackie

She's always telling people how to live their lives...

Dan

Yeah, well, that's because she thinks she knows everything.

Roseanne

[from outside] Well, I do!

Roseanne

You knew when you married me that I had a sister!

Dan

But I didn't think she'd be be here every weekend.

Roseanne

Well, I didn't think I'd be here every weekend.

Mom!!!

Roseanne

She's not here.

I'll get the tape.

Darlene

No, I'll get the tape.

Roseanne

I'll get my tubes tied.

Dan

Where's your school spirit?

Roseanne

I lost it on prom night with everything else.

Dan

You know Vinnie, that new kid I hired?

Roseanne

Oh, you mean that 19-year-old Adonis with the washboard stomach?

Dan

You noticed.

Roseanne

Noticed? Hell, I made sketches.