Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

Jackie

[regarding Dwight] I was down at his hardware store the other day and he was following me around like a puppy. I thought it was cute.

Roseanne

Cute? I'll bet his parents are brother and sister.

Dan

Hey, kiddo, you gonna stick around and mooch dinner from us tonight?

Jackie

No, I have a date.

Dan

Animal, vegetable or mineral?

Jackie

Booker.

Roseanne

Vegetable.

[trying to explain to Jackie why he is so late for their date] I was on the phone with my mother. [Jackie makes a face, Dan snickers] I was!

Roseanne

Geez, Booker, you ought to take a shovel around with you when you travel.

Dan

What's this in my pocket? It could be? It might be? It is ... holy cow, it's a honeymoon! [hands Roseanne a brochure] Why yes, it's paradise.

Jackie

Oh, another guy who thinks he's got paradise in his jeans.

Roseanne

Yeah, paradise lost.

DJ

Mom, Darlene's still on the phone.

Roseanne

Hey, don't come in here ratting on people now. Dan, he's ratting on people!

Dan

Cheese eater. [makes squeaking noises]

I wonder what people did before television.

Roseanne

They made dolls out of corn cobs and stared at fire.

Dan

I had this recurring dream in broad daylight. I had this mug with a little airplane design on it, and every time I'd drink from it, the engine would start up, and it would get closer, and I swear this is true, the propeller went up my nose.

Roseanne

You're scary.

Darlene

Will everybody stop talking about nightmares? I didn't have a nightmare!

Roseanne

If you didn't have a nightmare, then why'd you have trouble goin' to sleep?

Dan

Were you worried about your basketball game?

Darlene

No, I wasn't worried about my basketball game.

Roseanne

Did you screw up in history again Darlene?

Darlene

No, I didn't screw up in history again.

Roseanne

Well then, what is the matter?

Darlene

I got my period! Okay?

Roseanne

Darlene got her period last night.

Jackie

No kidding? She's only 11.

Roseanne

I was 11 when I got my period.

Jackie

Yeah, but you were already wearing a D-cup.

Roseanne

Yeah, two of them.

Jackie

The poor kid's just been sentenced to 45 years of monthly inconvenience.

Roseanne

Gee Jackie, I hope I can find a way to pass that enlightened wisdom on to my daughter.

Jackie

You will, just tell her about all those famous athletic women types, and how they all get their periods too.

Jackie

What about when she brought home pamphlets from the Red Cross?

Roseanne

For two weeks, I thought what I had was a natural disaster.

Mom, Darlene and DJ are killing each other out there.

Roseanne

What's the bad news?

Dan

There's no way I'm spending my Saturday sitting in a shoe store waiting to be waited on with 50 other guys who are waiting to be waited on. I ain't buying shoes. That's it. End of discussion.

Roseanne

And get a couple of extra pairs of laces too.

(sulking) I'm never eating again.

Roseanne

Okay, but you're still doing the dishes.

Darlene

Do I HAVE to get dressed up for this boring dinner?

Roseanne

No, we're all dining naked.

Darlene

AGAIN?!