Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

Roseanne

[To David after finding out he's going out with another girl] Well David an date is an easy thing to break. I could do it for ya. It'd be fun... what's the little bitch's name?

Roseanne

[to Dan on why she doesn't want David to go out on a date with someone other than Darlene] Because I love our daughter and I love David. No new people!

Roseanne

We're white trash, and we'll stay white trash till the day they haul us out to the curb.

Roseanne

[on the guests at the bar mitzvah] Man, these people are completely rude for no reason. I love it here!

Roseanne

Hello, I'm Roseanne Barr Pentland Arnold Thomas, or as I like to call me, Roseanne. What you are about to see is the original pilot for the Roseanne show. This episode has been lost for some forty years, along with my mind. The only difference is, this episode has been found. Love to all my fans.

Roseanne

Remember "Baby, Baby, Don't Get Hooked on Me"? "I'll just use you then I'll set you free"? Use me and I'll set you on fire, you bastard.

Roseanne

(recording a message to her unborn child via a camcorder) Your dad works really hard. He, um, always wanted to give you guys... everything. But, um, over the years, I guess, uh, his dreams kinda fell down, one right after the other. But, now he's working for the city, which is great because you cannot be fired for reason, whatsoever– ya know, just like in congress. And, uh, I do have to say, though, that no matter how hard he works, I've worked harder. I have worked, uh, whe-whether your dad was laid up, or laid off. I'm the one who brought home the bacon. I cooked it up myself. And, yeah, sure, I took a few bites off the top, but I figured, I gotta reward myself some way, um, and, I never complained, and I have never, ever asked anybody for help. Because, ya know, even if I did, it's not like anybody would lift a finger to help me, anyway.

Roseanne

(recording a message to her unborn child via a camcorder) Okay, I'm going to give your dad a turn to talk to you, now, but, before I go, I want to tell you one thing: you know that we had you late in our lives, but we really wanted you, and, uh, that's basically because you're our last hope for a good retirement, which is totally going to happen because, after all these years, I finally figured out how to raise a kid that will grow up to be incredibly successful, and, that is: every time you turn around, you tell them how wonderful they are, and... how beautiful they are, and... how priceless they are, and, how much they are loved– and, you are.

Roseanne

[to Dan and Nancy] Now you guys have to stall the guests and keep them entertained so I can go in the bathroom and talk to Leon. Now, if you hear any screaming, just tell everybody that Yoko Ono is warming up.

Roseanne

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but at least they're not part of my sex life.

Roseanne

Hey! I am not divorced, single, desperate or lonely. What the hell do I need to exercise for?

Roseanne

(laughs) Aww, honey, those are those pregnancy hormones kicking in(hugs Darlene). We should've gotten you knocked up :years ago!

Roseanne

Well, I'll snap your spine in a half like a potato chip, ya bitch.

Roseanne

Can I eat your dinner?

Roseanne

Everybody stop what you're doing