Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

Roseanne

[still groggy after waking up from her dream] Oh, way ta go, Doogie!

Roseanne

(screaming at D.J. and Todd from downstairs as Dan, still in bed, counts along on his fingers) Now listen up! There will be no talking, no giggling or laughing, no playing music, no singing, no animal noises, no doing whatever the hell you were doing when you were making that peg-leg kinda thumping noise, no bird calls, no bouncing the ball, and no jumping on the bed or I'm coming up there, now GO TO SLEEP!!!

Roseanne

:[through pay phone that Becky left off the hook] Becky? Becky! Is this some kind of a joke? 'Cause if you're not really married, I'm going to kill you. If you are really married, I'm going to kill you. Becky? Becky!

Roseanne

:[still through pay phone] Becky, this is the stupidest thing you've ever done. You get your butt back here right now. Do you hear me? Okay, okay. Okay. What I meant was it's not too late to come home. We aren't mad at you, we just wanna know you're safe. [a worker arrives and picks up the phone] Becky, are you listening? Talk to me. Becky, I know you're there. I can hear you breathing. [he hangs it up]

Roseanne

[over the phone, to Becky] Well, don't come walking in this house like you won some great big victory over me and your dad. Don't be expecting our blessing. Don't be expecting any money. And don't be expecting.

Roseanne

I like the kids poor, that way they don't clash with the furniture.

Roseanne

Cut the crap, OK? You're talking to Darlene's mother, the mother of all mothers, and she is majorly mad.

Roseanne

You think you're the only person that's been through stuff? I've been through stuff. But you know, I still believe in God, you know, I mean, I'd like to believe that all of the horrible, hideous crap that I have to wallow through every single day of my life, could some point I would find out the meaning to, and the reason for, I mean, so I can be happy, you know what I mean, there is a God..there is...I swear to God there is a God. And if there ain't, I've been screwed.

Roseanne

You ever come near her again, and this time I'll handle you and believe me, I'm way more dangerous than Dan. I have a loose-meat restaurant. I know what to do with the body.

Roseanne

I left a message on your scum-sucking ex-boyfriend's machine that he better not bring his bony ass over to that apartment while we're moving you out or else i'm gonna bash his skull in. Only I said it mean.

Roseanne

All human beings connect sex and love....except for men.

Roseanne

Oh, he's using my Cosmo! That makes me, like, his dealer.

Roseanne

Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face.

Roseanne

[when Jackie asks if she can sleep at Roseanne's after a fight with Fred] But I must warn you, Dan doesn't allow anyone to move in here unless they're sleeping with one of his daughters.

Roseanne

[to D.J] Hey! Black people are just like us. They're every bit as good as us and any people who don't think so is just a bunch of banjo-picking, cousin-dating, barefoot embarrassments to respectable white-trash like us!