Rock Paper Scissors · Season 1
[The trio's apartment is being decorated for the holidays and Paper and Pencil are decorating the Christmas tree together]
[sighs dreamily] I love the holidays. It really is the best time of year.
Yeah. You get to relax, have some quiet time, and…
[barging in with Scissors painfully clutching his stomach] SCISSORS ATE A PINECONE!
What?! Why?!
Rock dared me to!
No, I said, "Don't do that!"
Which I took as a dare!
I'm with Paper. This really is the best time of year.
It is. And I'm glad everything worked out.
Although I do feel bad the robot didn't remove the pinecone.
[Zoom out, revealing Scissors lying flat on the floor with a pine tree growing out of his butt, which Paper and Pencil were decorating]
[disappointed] Not as bad as I do.
[Scissors is watching an inspirational sports movie when Rock and Paper enter the apartment, carrying groceries]
Oh, shoot! He's watching an inspirational sports movie!
Every time he sees one of those, he thinks he can do that stuff!
Turn it off! TURN IT OFF!
[searching everywhere for the remote] I can't! Where's the remote?!
[chanting on TV] Scrudy! Scrudy!
I DON'T KNOW! JUST RIP THE CORD OUT OF THE WALL!
Which one?! THERE ARE SO MANY CORDS!
[The trio hear the Rat Bros laughing and cheering from above the fourth floor while Rock is playing a Sims parody video game]
[annoyed] Ugh. Are the Rat Bros having another party?
They are such jerks!
Let's go up there and tell them to start being respectable members of society.
Okay, but just don't get on your high horse again.
[They are then standing outside the Rat Bros' apartment while Paper rides on his high horse, and Scissors knocks on the door]
[answers the door] 'Sup, bros? Oh, are we tutoring too loud?
Tutoring?
Yeah. We tutor underprivileged kids all the time. [shows them his brothers tutoring four children] Ruby, tell 'em the thesis of your report.
In a juxtaposition of the sublime and the banal, the artist's oeuvre deftly encapsulates the ephemeral nature of human experience.
[Derf blares a party air horn; the trio are speechless at what they just saw and are back in their apartment]
What the heck was that?!
The Rat Bros aren't supposed to be better than us! They're supposed to be one-dimensional bad guys!
Yeah! I refuse to live in a world where the Rat Bros are morally superior. Because then we can't judge them! And that's how I feel good about myself!
Paper, get off the horse.
I can't, I need a step stool!
[Meanwhile, in the Rat Bros' apartment…]
[laughing hysterically along with his brothers] Did you see how upset they were?
Our altruistic plan is totally working!
We are such jerks!
[chest bumping] Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro!
[suddenly confused] But wait… are we jerks? Tutoring these kids is really nice. Bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro.
Brody, don't be ridiculous. We're only doing good things to make Rock, Paper, and Scissors feel bad about themselves, which is a jerk thing to do. And remember, the two rules of being a Rat Bro: If a bro asks you to spot 'em, you gotta spot 'em. And what's number two, kids?
Rat Bros are jerks because jerks are cool.
And you wanna be cool, right, Brody?
Of course. That's my one and only thought.
[Zoom in inside Brody's brain]
Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
Shower?
NO! Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
Grandmother, what big eyes you have.
[in disguise] All the better to see you with, my dear.
[jumps onto the bed and takes the bonnet off the wolf's head, exposing him] It's a wolf, lady!
[reading an article about the trio being the best guys in town and receiving all the praise; outraged] Ugh! This makes me so mad! Why do we still pay for the newspaper?! [throws the newspaper on the ground and marches over to the weight bench] Brogan, spot me. I'm doing an angry set! We cannot let Rock, Paper, and Scissors feel good about themselves. We have to beat them!
Wait, Logan. Are you saying…
Yes, Brody. It's time for an altruistic-off!
Altruistic-off: A competition in which people or groups try to win by doing the most good for society.
Uh, Ruby, you can go home. Okay. Derf, go save the whales. Brogan and I will eliminate political corruption. And Brody? Get a PhD in robotic engineering to give people without limbs the best in robotic prostheses.
But, Logan, I already have a PhD in robotic engineering.
Too late. I already gave out the assignments.
[Another article shows the Rat Bros being #1 good guys and receiving more praise]
[reading the article; also outraged] This is terrible! Newspapers are so important, and no one cares anymore! [throws the newspaper on the ground]
What's the point of cleaning all this garbage off the street if we're losing?! [pushes the huge garbage bag out the window, and it falls onto the street, splashing some people in garbage]
We have to beat the Rat Bros, otherwise, I won't be able to judge them on my high horse! And how am I supposed to feel good about myself then, by winning horse races? [the horse looks at him and shakes its head no] See? He's not into it!
Feast your eyes, Rat Bros! I have created a device that will solve the global housing crisis by spitting out a fully-built house in just five seconds!
We're gonna officially unveil it tomorrow at the Nobel Prize ceremony and beat you once and for all!
Build houses! That's what we should do!
See? He got there. [he and his friends walk off with their invention]
[frustrated] D'oh! I can't believe they're gonna beat us! They are such… good guys.
Actually, I think we'll still win.
What do you mean?
I saw a flaw in the device's engine. If they try to use that thing, it'll explode.
Yes!
Sweet!
All right!
Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro!
[feeling down, quietly] Nice, bro.
[noticing Brody's behavior after Logan and Brogan walk away; concerned] Hey, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm cool. [laughs awkwardly] Cool. I'm cool! Ha-ha. Cool guy. Super cool Brody. Listen, can I tell you something? You remember how I got my PhD from Princeton, right?
Yeah, in two days. Very impressive.
Well, I got a job at a hospital working in robotic prosthetics. [Flashback to him in his hospital shift as he puts some prostheses on a limbless patient named Mr. Drake] All right, Mr. Drake. Test them out.
[grips his prostheses, controlling them; surprised] Oh, my gosh. I-I can wave! I can point! I can… [uses them to scratch an itch on his behind] Oooh, I've been waiting to scratch that for 25 years!
[voice-over] But then, something weird happened.
Could I… hug you? It would be the first hug I've ever given.
[unsure] Um… I don't really--
[hugging him; sobbing happily] Thank you, Brody. You changed my life!
[hugs him in return with his eyes tearing up; voice-over] It felt amazing! And for the first time, I had a new thought.
[Zoom in inside his brain]
Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
Be good.
Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good.
We really should shower, though.
NO!
[Back to the present]
I think… I think I might be a good guy.
[gasps in dramatic shock] No. Brody, no. A-are you sure?
This morning, I wrote a big check to a food bank!
But you know the rules… jerks are cool. Good guys are… I don't even know!
Derf, I get it. But I'm thinking about that machine and… it just feels wrong to do nothing! Those homes would help so many people.
Look, I know it's tough, but sometimes you gotta make hard choices in life. Do you want to foster the well-being of millions… or be cool? [starts to walk away]
Hey, Derf… when you were saving the whales, were you thinking about beating Rock, Paper, and Scissors, or about how good it felt to save those whales?
[thinking for a second] Get some rest, bro. [resumes walking away]
[Before the trio are preparing to present their house-building invention at the Nobel Prize ceremony, Brody attempts to sneak into backstage and fix it, but gets confronted by Logan, who is already there after finding out about the conversation between him and Derf]
Logan!
[darkly] I knew I'd find you here. Your "nice, bro" chest bump yesterday was lackluster at best. I gotta say, I feel betrayed… like Edmond Dantès in The Count of Monte Cristo.
That's a very literate reference.
Ah, we covered a lot in tutoring.
I'm sorry, but I can't let that device explode.
Spot me.
[having to have heard that; shocked] What? Here?!
I wanna do a set. [Brody reluctantly obeys as he sets down the pliers] Why are you doing this, Brody?!
The heart has its reasons, which reason knows nothing of.
Is that Blaise Pascal?
We covered a lot in tutoring.
[to Brody; irked] You said it wouldn't work! Ugh, whatever. We'll find another way to get Rock, Paper, and Scissors. [storms off]
[turns to the invention; perplexed] But how did it not explode?
[off-screen] I guess we'll never know.
[turns to him holding the pliers, revealing he's the one who fixed it; surprised] Derf?!
[hands Brody back the pliers] Maybe being a good guy is cool too. [walks off into the sunset as Brody smiles warmly, realizing that his conversation changed his mind]
[with his foot stuck in the stirrup of the horse's saddle] HELP! I'm stuck in the stirrup!
Scissors, I don't know if you know this, but we're big Lolly fans.
Yeah, we're in the Lolly Army. [he and Paper put on Lolly ponytails]
How did you get a date with her?
I just asked. See, most men are afraid of rejection, but not me. I'm used to rejection.
The album is already a huge hit, and the whole world hates Scissors. He's on the cover of Time magazine for "Most Hated Man of the Year."
[The magazine shows Scissors on the cover with his weird straight-forward, front-facing angle]
Ah, they used that angle!
[turns off the TV after watching the news of becoming the most hated person on Earth] This is terrible! I gotta go down to Convenient News and tell everyone I'm not a bad guy! [walks down the street, passing a crowd, booing angrily at him] I know, I know, but I'll explain everything on TV!
This is for Lolly! [splashes water on him]
This is also for Lolly! [splashes more water on him]
[throws out a bucket of snakes at him] EAT SNAKES, JERK!
[returns to the apartment; bummed] Of all the bad days in my life, that probably broke the top 50. [sees his friends dancing to Lolly's album]
By the way, I'd also recommend not going online.
We wrote some really nasty stuff.
[turns off the music] Guys, this is serious! I can't even leave the house! I gotta get everyone to stop hating me.
I don't know how you could do that.
Yeah, Lolly's the victim here.
[as an idea pops into his head] That's it! That's how you win over the public sympathy! I just need to out-victim Lolly.
[apologizing to everyone after hearing the song] I just heard the song for the first time, and I understand why you and Lolly are upset (with me). I was so consumed by my desire to be loved that I didn't see I was taking advantage of her fame. It was selfish and immature, and I never want to hurt anyone like that again. I'm truly, truly sorry. Will you accept my apology?
[After a brief moment…]
NO!
This is way out of hand! Sure, Scissors messed up, but he doesn't deserve this. And frankly, you guys are so intense sometimes it scares me. I mean, is that a mythological war hammer?! [Paper is holding an electrical war hammer and he and Rock sadly hang their heads down] So please, take it down a notch. And you don't need to do things like this for me. I'm not a god. [stops the meteor from hitting the Earth; voice booming] NO!
Whatever you say, Lolly! Love the new album! [flies away into space]
[Everyone leaves, saying sorry]
Sorry, Lolly.
I heard your apology. I'm glad you learned your lesson. And I'll admit, I probably shouldn't have written 16-full length songs about why you were terrible.
Sixteen? I thought you only wrote ten.
No, I only released ten. I might release the other six as bonus tracks. [Everyone comes back, screaming excitedly] But I might not!
[disappointed] Aww! [walk away]
Hey, all this aside, I did still have fun with you. So maybe we could go on a second date. What do you think?
[thinking for a moment] Hard pass.
What?
Do you have any idea how awful you made my life? I was the most hated man on Earth. The nation of Japan publicly denounced me. And I was almost torn apart by 2,000 psychopaths in bows. So, yes, I did learn a lesson, but it was to never, ever date pop stars. Hard pass. [walks away]
That wasn't very nice. I should write an album about that.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Rock Paper Scissors pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
