Rock Paper Scissors · Season 1
Ah, Paper's such a jerk. Making fun of me just 'cause I didn't do my resolution, and also forgot what it was. Well, I'll show him. I still have 12 hours to complete it, and prove I'm not a failure.
And I'm going to help you, because my resolution was to help as many people as I can with their resolutions.
But isn't helping people what you normally do? I mean, your resolution could have just as easily been be a rock this year.
You know, you can be a jerk sometimes too.
[talking about Scissors' resolution] January 1st: Scissors sees a poorly-translated Foreign film called "Buff Man Lift 450 Pounds Be Success".
I lift weight, prove I big success!
The resolution is made. January 2nd: Scissors buys every piece of gym equipment he can find and a giant tub of muscle powder. [Scissors tries to open the lid] But he's not strong enough to open the lid. January 3rd: Scissors eats an entire chocolate cake, feels badly about himself, and gives up on his resolution. And that's the end of the story. Although, there was a day in mid July where Scissors remembered the resolution and had a moment of renewed resolve. But then he ate another entire chocolate cake and felt terrible about himself.
[Scissors moans in disappointment]
How am I so weak? I ate 50 raw eggs.
You did what?!
[Scissors queasily pukes in the toilet due to a bad pain in his stomach]
Ugh, I'm gonna look like a fool! Paper makes me so mad I could just flip this… [tries to flip over the weight bench] well, maybe not the weight bench, but these tinier weights! [tries to flip them] Or at least this weight bench instruction manual! [tries to flip the manual; groans] How is this possible?! [later sits on the floor, watching "Buff Man Lift 450 Pounds Be Success" while eating an entire chocolate cake and feeling horrible about himself… as usual]
[to Paper] Hey, can we talk for a second? [looks at the camera] Uh, off camera? [cut to them in his room, with the camera filming them] Look, I know I'm a failure. You know I'm a failure. But… but it's another thing for millions of people to see that on the big screen. So I'm begging you, please don't finish this documentary.
[sighs] Scissors, I'm glad you told me that… [turns to the camera] because I needed it for this movie! [laughs and leaves]
[Scissors lifts up Paper's calculator and throws it out of the apartment building and it crashes into the street, with hamsters crawling out of it before the clock strikes 12:00]
There were hamsters in there?
[to Scissors] How the heck did you do that?! That calculator weighted 450 pounds!
[both gasp; simultaneously] I completed my New Year's resolution!
Let's sharpen our pens! [sharpens his pen with a pencil sharpener and getting his face covered in ink]
Scissors! Scissors, stop! Let me sharpen my pen! [does the same thing like Scissors did]
[Words appear reading: "Don't try this at home. Obviously."]
[annoyed while he facepalms] Doofuses. [suddenly gets an idea] Wait. That's it! I can feel smart if I surround myself with doofuses! I'll just start a book club with the least intelligent people I know!
This just in, multiple business owners are sad today, as they've had to close from all the free things they've given away to satisfy customer complaints. And as we all know, the only people who write complaints are whiny little poops. Here's a sketch of what such poops may or may not look like.
[A drawing sketch of Rock and Scissors is shown]
[shocked] Oh, no, we're hurting people!
[attempting to return all the free stuff] I'm giving it back!
[trying to stop him] You're not giving it back!
[barges into the apartment] Guys, I'm in trouble! My book club starts in 20 minutes, and I… [looks around at all the free stuff] have no idea what this is.
Scissors and I wrote complaints to get free things, but we took it too far, and now we have to return all this stuff we don't deserve. Clothes, phones. [A pink flamingo walks past them] I don't even know what we complained about to get that.
Wait. That's it! I don't need to understand the book. I just need to complain that it's bad, because people who complain are automatically viewed as right.
See? We're right. Besides, everything we complained about is totally justified.
Really? Well, then why do we have all the heads from Easter Island?
Thanks for coming into the Nickelodeon offices today, Scissors. We brought you in because we received a complaint letter from, well, him.
[Rock sits next to her and glares at Scissors, revealing he's the one who wrote the letter]
[offended] Oh, you whiny little poop.
[reading the letter] "Dear Nickelodeon… In your program, "Rock Paper Scissors", Scissors' behavior has been morally reprehensible."
Everyone's so sensitive.
[continues reading] "He rarely learns lessons, and, when given the opportunity to grow, continues with awful behavior."
Yeah, that's what makes me fun.
[finishes reading] "This is not a character who should be exposed to our children. Please do something immediately." I'm sorry, but we're suspending you from the show for two weeks.
WHAT?! (Two weeks?!) Who are you even gonna get to replace me?
[The show's intro plays with Nutso, the Rapping Squirrel as Scissors' temporary replacement and the show's title being changed to "Rock Paper Nutso"]
This show's about to get Nutso!
[stretching himself] Alright, Paper, you haven't exercised in three years. Time to run a marathon! [exits the apartment building, and is surprised to see the whole town celebrating and watching a parade led by Rock]
Happy International Rock Day!
International Rock Day? That's not a real holiday.
Sure, it is. Every July 13th, we throw rock beads… We hit rock piñatas… And we just generally rock out, especially Scissors.
[leading a marching band] Whoo-hoo! I love this parade energy! Let's keep the party going!
(Hello?) Is this the Committee of National Holidays?
[turning around in his chair, revealing himself] You bet it is!
[suprised] Rock?! You're on the committee?!
Yeah, I'm the head of it, along with the representatives of National Pencil Day, National Potato Day, National Bubble-blowing Day, and of course, National Raspberry Cake Day.
I'm cake.
[disbelieved] Good Lord. Anyway, I'd like a day, please.
[The representatives all laugh]
Paper, we don't just give out days.
Yeah, each one of us has presented a case for why we deserve one.
I don't even know how I got here.
Yes, you do, Potato. You gave a speech that brought us to tears.
That presentation was terrible.
[sulking as cars behind him are stuck in traffic] Go around, I've had a bad day!
[Rock and Paper enter the apartment, carrying a bunch of groceries]
Scissors, can you help us bring in the groceries?
[sitting on the couch, holding a sandwich] I would, but my hands are full.
Well, just put it down.
[now holding a lamp] Now I have another thing.
Scissors!
[Scissors whistles while holding a sandwich, a lamp, and three bowling balls]
Scissors, come on! Can you just help us one time?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Rock Paper Scissors pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
