MMan
Hey are you Doug from that show doug?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
It started to rain at a quarter to two
When the children both cried,
BBoth
"We've got nothing to do!"
They played their ker-plunkers and spun their spin-daddies,
Why, they even found mother's vibrate-a-ratties.
When suddenly, there came a knock at the door.
The boy nudged his sister:
SBSeuss Boy
"Go get it, you whore!"
She rose from her seat and walked towards the noise.
SGSeuss Girl
"Who could it be?"
She hoped it was boys.
But what entered the house through the fog oh so thick
Was the Cat in the Hat with an enormous dick.
He sang a short song and played a few toots,
When all of a sudden, he noticed poor Boots.
The boy searched around for a pen and a pad.
SBSeuss Boy
"This guy's a pro, much better than dad."
But before the two children could learn a new trade,
The Cat pushed them outside,
CICat in the Hat
"I'm trying to get laid!"
So with nowhere to go but over the hill,
The children set off to the town of Whoreville.
They passed a few vagrants, a hooker, a corpse,
Trying their best not to vomit, of course.
Though it got very hard as they passed by a can,
Where a man tried to [Bleep] out some Blue Eggs and Spam.
Finally, they arrived at their mom's place of work,
As a jolly old man walked out with a smirk.
It was Itchy McGray, who was there every day,
And though his doctors sure pleaded, he could not stay away.
He had caught whore diseases, he has picked at whore scabs,
Why, he even picked up a case of "whore crabs."
But, all of a sudden, he started to run,
Because the children's drunk father showed up with a gun!
He was mean, he was mad, he was seven feet tall,
But the bulge in his pants was two sizes too small.
Which may have explained why he went on a spree,
Of shooting the whores as they started to flee.
SDSeuss Dad
"One bitch, two bitch, old bitch, new bitch!"
He said with a laugh as their bodies did twitch.
He stared at his wife as he squeezed on his GLOCK.
SDSeuss Dad
"I know it's your job, but why'd you Hop on my Pop?"
SMSeuss Mom
"We needed the cash,"
She said through her tears,
SMSeuss Mom
"And besides, you haven't touched me in years.
But I've got just the thing!"
She knew just what to do.
SMSeuss Mom
"Let's go home right now and make three kids, not two."
And so, the kids' father got his own way,
And the bulge in his pants grew three sizes that day.
And the low-income family began life anew...
...At least 'til next month, when the rent would come due.
[MTV Exposed appears across the screen in a television theme]
DDater
Really? The whole budget's just the camera and the van.
Dude, you're on.
DDater
Oh, now? Okay. Oh, this is royally gonna kick ass!
[from inside] I know! I'm gonna use the lie detection soft-ware to see which one the producer's told the lie to you. And you'll hit the other one in the face with your dick!
DDater
Boo-yah! And I'll give you sloppy seconds. Up top! Sloppy seconds!
[from inside] This show is awesome!
DDater
[seeing Barbie and Yasmin walking up to him] Dude, dude, dude! Here they come.
BBarbie
Hi. I'm Barbie.
YYasmin
Wussup. I'm Yasmin.
[from inside] Bitches ain't lyin'!
DDater
So Barbie, how do you kick it?
BBarbie
Well, I'm a doctor, Olympic skater, a scientist and a homemaker. And I like pink.
[from inside] Oh, snap! We got stuff in common!
DDater
How about you, Yasmin? How you get down?!
YYasmin
I like a man that takes care of me. I enjoy clubbing. Ooohhh! And shopping. I'm kind of a brat and I designed my own tramp stamp.
[from inside] That's you, and me, dude!
[We see Barbie, Yasmin, and the dater at the picnic table]
BBarbie
Mmm, I love salad.
YYasmin
Me, too!
[from inside] She is lyin', dude!
DDater
Do you really enjoy salad, Yasmin?
YYasmin
Well, I am more into meat. [takes out the hotdog, and feels it with her face] Mmm-hmm. You know what I'm talking about?
[from inside the van, losing control] Oh, man. Oh man, she's telling t-the truth. She's telling...the truth.
BBarbie
[annoyed] Hello, I was a space-shuttle commander! I have an R.V. and a convertible!
DDater
Yeah.
YYasmin
Feels so good.
[heard from the inside van, which is vibrating] It's true. It's true. She likes it, dog. She's likes it.
DDater
Oh, hell, yeah! I choose you! [grabs Yasmin and makes out with her]
BBarbie
This is bull[bleep]! We still have 20 minutes left on the show!
YYasmin
Is that the hot topic?
DDater
Oh, you the one.
[The annoyed Barbie leaves]
YYasmin
Oh, baby, yes.
DDater
I knew I'd beat that whore.
YYasmin
Oh, yeah.
DDater
Oh, you del...oh, you taste like other men, though.
YYasmin
Oh, yes. This is doing wonders for my self-esteem.
DDater
Oh, you dirty.
YYasmin
I'm number one!
DDater
Oh, I feel [bleep] crawling on me already, [in a sing-song voice] but I don't care!
[The van exploded as they continued to make out]
MMan
Timber!
BBBob The Builder
Why, someone left this job half-done! Can we fix it?
SMScoop, Muck, Dizzy, Roley
Yes, we can!
UMUnion Member
[surrounded by two goons] Ain't nobody finishing nothing.
BBob
I'm sorry, who are you?
UMUnion Member
We're from the union, and we say you don't have the right equipment for this job.
BBob
Well, we have all the equipment we need.
UMUnion Member
Really? You got a talking briefcase full of hundred-dollar bills over there?
BBob
No, but... Oh, okay.
[Goons push and pound Bob between them and the Union Guy kicks him in the balls]
SSpud
Can I play too?
UMUnion Member
Sure, asshole! [The Union Boss breaks Spud's carrot nose off and punches him in the face] Hope you like smelling what you eat!
[Pilchard the cat attacks the Union member. Bob uses his drill on a goon's face. Spud grabs a shovel and beats the goons with it]
BBob
Spud, don't forget to wear your safety goggles.
SSpud
Aw, thanks, Bob. [resumes beating the goon and the Union member runs away]
RRoley
Whew, rock and roll! [flattens the Union member]
BBob
Now, dig these motherfuckers a grave, Scoop!
SScoop
[digging a hole] No prob, Bob!
[Muck loads the dead Union member and goons into the hole, Scoop pushes them in, and Dizzy pours cement on top]
AAll
Yay!
SSpud
[screwing his nose back on] Ew, New Jersey smells like bad tuna, can we go home now?
AAll
Yes, we can! Yay!
NANews anchor
In tonight's news, you can find the words; night, tight, tits, tots, stew, whino, ghost, and the name Tony if you spell it with an I.
KKowl
[flies into the Crystal Castle] Oh! Mantenna and Grizzlor are attacking the Whispering Woods! We need She-Ra!
MRMadame Razz
Shh! Kowl, this is not a good time.
KKowl
Not a good time?! But they're slaughtering the Twiggets!
MRMadame Razz
The Twiggets will have to wait. Adora has a visitor.
KKowl
A visitor? What kind of visitor?
MRMadame Razz
Her "Aunt Flo" is in town.
KKowl
[confused] Adora doesn't have an Aunt Flo.
SSpirit
[quickly enters] Madame Razz, where is Adora? Shadow Weaver and Leech are attacking the Crystal Castle!
MRMadame Razz
Sorry, Spirit. She can't help you right now.
SSpirit
But we need She-Ra!
MRMadame Razz
Adora's riding the "cotton pony" if you get my meaning-
SSpirit
What, she got another horse?
MRMadame Razz
No, Spirit, it's not a real-
SSpirit
I turn into Swift Wind! Can this cotton pony do that?
BBo
[quickly enters] Madame Razz! Catra, Scorpia and Entrapta are attacking Castle Bright Moon.
MRMadame Razz
She-Ra is unavailable, Bo.
BBo
Unavailable?!
MRMadame Razz
Yes! Adora is...um..."floating on the crimson tide" right now.
BBo
What the hell does this have to do with a particular type of algae bloom common to the Eastern Gulf of Mexico?!
MRMadame Razz
Ugh! Never mind. Neither Adora nor She-Ra can help any of you right now. Come back in, say, five days. Maybe four if it's a light month.
KKowl
But we need She-Ra!
[Kowl, Spirit, and Bo all start complaining together]
AAdora
[kicks down the doors; enraged] SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP!!!! SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UP!!!!! What does it take to get some peace and quiet around here?! [Kowl, Spirit, and Bo all talk at once] You want She-Ra?! Is that it?! Huh?! Here she comes! [pulls out the Sword of Protection] For the honor of Greyskull, I am She-Ra! [transforms into She-Ra, before turning Spirit into Swift Wind] NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY!! [she and Swift Wind fly through the wall]
MRMadame Razz
Oh, dearie me, this isn't good.
[Outside the Crystal Castle, Leech pulls off the door with his hands before holding it over his head]
LLeech
Why do I always have to be the one who...
[Swift Wind lands on the door, crushing Leech and sending Shadow Weaver flying]
SRShe-Ra
Come here!
SWShadow Weaver
No, wait!
[She-Ra jumps over and rips out Shadow Weaver's spine, before letting her dead body slump to the floor. Then, outside Castle Bright Moon, she cuts off Scorpia's tail]
SScorpia
AUGH!!!
[She-Ra then kills her before using the tail to murder Catra]
EEntrapta
Why, you! [She-Ra grabs her breasts] AAHHH!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! AAAHHHHHH!!!!!
SRShe-Ra
[pulls Entrapta's breasts out and turns] Get over here!
[In the Whispering Woods, She-Ra starts strangling Mantenna causing his eyes to pop out which she grabs]
MMantenna
Hey! My eye-
[She-Ra rips off Mantenna's head. Grizzlor tries to make a run for it]
SRShe-Ra
Oh, no, you don't! [painfully kicks him up the backside. Next, she and Swift Wind are seen returning to the Crystal Castle flying through the giant gaping hole she had made] There! Now can I get some [bleep]ing sleep?! [dismounts Swift Wind to reveal she is wearing Grizzor on her foot like a shoe, and heads back to her room]
GGrizzlor
Argh! Kill me! Please kill me!
SRShe-Ra
SHUT UP!!! [slams the door shut]
SSpartan
[while at a party] THIS...IS...MARTHA!!
SScientist
[announcing Pluto's downgrade from planet status] Also, A is no longer a vowel, north no longer a direction...and your sister, no longer A VIRGIN!!
Snooper Do you know why we're here?
DDDick Dastardly
Damn These Laff-A-Lympics! Even though we cheat, we always lose, but not this time.
SSnagglepuss
They're gone. They're all gone, even.
BBBoo-Boo
What's going on Yogi?
SDScooby-Doo
[over Hong Kong Phooey's dead body] He's dead! He's dead! And he's a dog?
SShaggy
Like what the [Bleep] are you doing man?
RFReverse Flash
So long, Flash! You'll have to pick up the pace if you want to catch Reverse Flash!
Uh! Again with Reverse Flash! He looks just like me, but with the exact opposite color scheme, brilliant.
At least he wears a mask. Bizzaro Superman looks just like me, but with a face like somebody threw up in an ice tray. Seriously, looks like someone shit out kryptonite and then put it on someone's face again.
WWWonder Woman
Have you ever seen Negative Wonder Woman?
NWNegative Wonder Woman
[wearing sleeves and stockings, displaying her breasts and pubes] Hey Wonder Woman! [Bleep] you! Now where did I leave my visible jet? Oh, look, there it is. Easy to find!
WWWonder Woman
Don't grab her or anything.
I grab her.
Grab her till she couldn't walk. Booyah!
BBarfly
You know, like the rest of the world, soccer is called "football". [two police officials attack the barfly] Hey! Hey-Ow! Ow! What's goin' on?! Why are you touching-?!
AAnnouncer
Hello, there. What you've just seen was a dramatization of the new Asshole laws enacted by Congress, which going to effect January 1st. It's now a federal offense to point out that soccer is actually called football.
NNerd
Uh, in fact, no Star Trek episode contains the words, "Beam me up, Scotty." Agh! Ow, ow, my arm! My-argh! Ow! Ow-how! [It's the law, asshole!]
CCivilian
You know, Iceland is actually green, and Greenland is actually icy. Argh! Agh, agh-ha! Oh, help me, help me, help, me, help! [It's the law, asshole!]
WWorker
Heroes is way better, because it actually answers stuff. On Lost, they don't even know what they're doing. Oof! What are you doing?! No, wait! Ooh, ugh, ooh, agh, oof, ugh! [It's the law, asshole!]
[A massive rain storm is falling on the Smurf Village]
ACArmy Corps of Engineers Smurf
Papa Smurf Papa Smurf it's smurfing like a mothersmurfer. What if the dam breaks?
This is exactly why I'm Papa Smurf and you're just...uhhh...uh...uh which smurf are you?
ACArmy Corps of Engineers Smurf
Oh I'm Army Corp of Engineer Smurf.
That Dam was smurfed by the finest construction crew the forest has to offer.
[Cuts to several beavers. One has it's head stuck in a bucket, one is hiting it's head against a tree and one is humping another beaver. Suddenly the crappy wooden dam, just a few logs piled haphazardly across the river, breaks]
SGrandpa Smurf
I did't evacuate when them chipmunks went rabid, and that was bad. Sure as hell ain't evacuating for a little rain.
[Flood water then crushes him. Smurf village is shown flooded, with Smurf bodies floating in the water]
ACAnderson Copper
Destruction. Devestation. A community in ruins. How did it come to this? Why did the dam fail?
[News footage shows bodies, two smurfs holding up a sign that says "Smurf Fema" before a hawk swoops in and grabs one of them and a smurf looting a T.V from an appliance store. Cuts to Gargamel's home, who is watching Anderson Copper on TV]
GGargamel
I've spent my entire adult life trying to find the smurf village. How did Anderson [bleep]ing Copper find it in less than a day?
ACAnderson Copper
And where is the king during the greatest crisis the forest has ever known?
BSBrainy Smurf
Papa Smurf says that the king doesn't care about blue people and Papa Smurf is always right because Papa Smurf... [begins to look around surprised] Papa Smurf?
Anderson Copper": What is it Brainy?
BSBrainy Smurf
Usually the other smurfs kick me out of the village when I start talking too much, but...there are no smurfs left!
[Brainy starts crying. Gargamel is scooping up dead smurfs in a fishing net]
GGargamel
Ha Ha Ha! This is the best day of my life! RaHe He Heee!. [cutting up smurf bodies, putting them in blenders and pulling out a bowl of smurfs from the oven. Cut to him at the dinner table] Triumph at last! Hahahaha. [takes a bite of the smurf meal and immediately has a disgusted look on his face. He then takes the plate of smurfs over to the garbage can throws them away. He picks up the phone and makes a call, depressed] Hello it's Gargamel, yes the usual. Oh with fried rice please! For one. [hangs up phone and sighs]
SSusie
[dancing to the music with her doll] Doo! Doo! Doo! Doo! I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus!
HHusband
[crashes through the front door] I knew it! [throws his briefcase to the floor] That [bleep]ing Whore! [storms out the door and slams it shut. He arrives at the North Pole at a igloo and enters by kicking the ice door open revealing a trio of Eskimo brothers inside] Where is he?! Where's that Mother[bleep]er Santa Claus?!?!
E1Eskimo 1
What the hell man?! He's not real!
E2Eskimo 2
Do you know how long it takes to carve an ice door?!
[The husband grunts and pulls out a knife, and punches Eskimo 1 in the face five times, the final time knocking him into a tree and knocking him out, he then stabs Eskimo 2 in the stomach three times, then takes out a gun and shoots Eskimo 2 five times, killing him]
E3Eskimo 3
Oh! Ooh! My Brothers!!!
HHusband
[threateningly] Now, Where's Santa Claus? [hits Eskimo 3 with the butt stock of the gun four times and sticks the gun one arms length the way in the face]
E3Eskimo 3
Oh! Okay! Okay! He's-He's...delivering gifts you know, that's what he does! So, he's not gonna be back for quite some time!
[The scene cuts to the outside of the igloo where Husband leaves and throws back a small grenade destroying the Igloo; killing Eskimos 1 and 3. The husband comes back home through the front door]
WWife
[on the phone with Mike] Oh no, wait...He just walked in. [hangs up and gives her husband a hug] Where have you been?
HHusband
[angrily] I know!
WWife
[confused] Know what?
HHusband
Susie saw you, KISSING SANTA CLAUS!!!!!
WWife
That's Just a song, Silly! [plays the song]
HHusband
[realizes] Oh, ha, ha, That makes sense! Man, I gotta start listening to more music!
WWife
I am [bleep]ing the Neighbor though.
HHusband
Mike? How's he doing?
[Joseph and the pregnant Mary entered the stable in Bethlehem as she goes into labour]
MMary
Joseph, why couldn't you get us a room?
JJoseph
There weren't any rooms left, Mary.
MMary
Oh, my vagina's about to splat out an entire human being, and they couldn't find me a bed?!
JJoseph
It's okay, honey. This will be fine.
[As Mary gives birth, all the farm animals started farting]
MMary
Ohh! Ew! Oh, Joseph! Uhh! [accidentally farts]
JJoseph
[waving his hand] Oh, God! Whew! No more falafel for you.
MMary
Sorry. [in pain] Aaahhh!
JJoseph
Okay, okay, now push. Push. [the animals continue to fart] Okay, that was good, honey. You're doing great. I'll go get you some water.
[As Joseph gets some water, the pig starts going into Mary's private parts]
MMary
Joseph! [Joseph pushes the pig out of the way] Ew! Oh! Oh, here it comes! [as the animals continues to fart] Aaahhh! Aaaahhhh!
JJoseph
Okay, baby, keep breathing. This is it, now! Oh, honey, that's it! I can see it! I can see the head! Now push!
[The animals fart one last time]
MMary
Aaahhh! [finished giving birth] Our baby! [holding her son] Little Jesus...he's so beautiful.
[Baby Jesus farts]
OMOld Man
Hello? Is everything okay? I heard yelling. Oh, it's very dark in here. [about to light the match]
JJoseph
[alarmed, slow motion] No-o-o-o-o!
[The old man lit up the match, but there is a huge explosion, and the fire shot up to the sky, mistaken as the Christmas Star]
WMWise Man
That must be the sign we're looking for! The lord Jesus Christ is born!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Robot Chicken pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.