Robot Chicken Season 1 quotes

Wow! Awesome! Go, Dad!

Oh, ho, ho, my goodness, dear! [the Christmas lights malfunction, spark and the H letter gets set on fire] Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

[rolling faster on the wheelchair to the kid, screaming] I'M ON FIRE!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?! [grabs the kid who screamed]

And that's why I turned to Judaism.

Uh, Dad, that's a great story, but I think you forgot to blow out the menorah.

Damn it!

Santa Claus

[having fun with girls] Whoooooo! I love Office Christmas Parties!

Ha ha ha! Oh, Dave is a riot at these things!

But, I'm Dave.

But then, who's-

[appears before Santa] Dude, we are falling way behind! Let's get outta here!

Hello Pac-Man. What if I told you that everything you know is a lie. Your just a part of a computer program.

What are you talking about?

Eat the red pellet & you will go further down the rabbit hole.

Time Pilots, Carmen has stolen the Brooklyn Bridge! We need you to head to the year it was built and bring back that bridge!

You heard her, kids. We've gotta retrieve the Brooklyn Bridge- [his cellphone rings] Uh...I gotta take this. [answers it] Janine, I'm doing the show. I told you we'd talk about it later.

[on the phone] I don't wanna talk about it later.

Well, I have more to say.

[on the phone] No, now!

No, not now! What the [bleep]? You want me to lose my job?!

[on the phone] I don't care if you...

Oh, nice. He's there now, isn't he?

[on the phone] Um...

[briefly shakes in rage] You mother[bleep]ing whore! Well, then I want my jacket back!

[on the phone] No way!

Yes way! It's my [bleep]ing jacket!

[on the phone] It was a gift!

NO! A gift is something you give to someone you love, you dumb bitch! [shuts his cellphone] Uh...hey, kids! Uh, that was the Chief again, and, uh...she said she made a mistake. Carmen didn't steal the Brooklyn Bridge after all. She actually stole a magical leather jacket, and we need your help to get it back, so are you with me?

What's so magic...?

[blatantly ignoring their question] And we're off!

Aren't we supposed to be answering questions?

[visibly on the verge of a breakdown] I'll give you a question: What year did that [bleep]ing bitch ruin my life? Don't know? Trick question! She ruined three [bleep]ing years of my life! Is this Franklin Street? [we cut to Janine's house entrance, where he cries in a mix of utter rage and despair about his jacket] You whore! I loved you, and you [bleep]ed it all up! I gave this to you because it meant something, stupid! That was the day you said you loved me! What was that day, kids?

November 8th.

November [bleep]ing 8th! Three points for you, kids! [we cut back to him and the time pilots in the car, quiet for a moment, he begins to cry uncontrollably again for a solid 15 seconds before the screen snaps to a strip club, where a woman climbs up a pole; drinking off his ass] When did firemen first start using poles?

1878?

Bingo! [we cut back to him in the car while the pilots are out; completely [bleep]faced drunk] Hooray! Carmen is saved!

Where are we...?

I ask the questions! [then drives off, but almost immediately crashes into a pole and dies, which ends the sketch]

Hey, what's on the menu today?

I thought the inmates would enjoy a nice change of pace. Broccoli, baked beans, coffee ice cream, and Red Bull.

Oh, my God.

I think I've had enough of that show. Delete!

[highlights "No" and selects. Goes up and down the queue throughout] Hey, what are you doing?

I don't want Robot Chicken on the DVR.

No, I love Robot Chicken.

It's all farting and retards.

Well, I like it.

Tough titties.

Ass! We split the cable bill.

TV doesn't have to be stupid...

I want...

[cont'd] ...it can be challenging, even brainy...

[cocks his shotgun] Oh, yeah? You want something brainy on the TV?! [BLAM! Blood splatters on the screen, and the queue stops] There! Ha ha ha! Oh, man. I ain't going to prison. [BLAM! More blood splattered.]

[sound of opening door] Oh, my God! Gary! Enrique! I better call 911! [dials] But I might as well watch a little Robot Chicken while I wait for the cops. [selects "Boo Cocky" and watches. Scene goes back to the rioting, farting inmates]

[narrating] I flossed and brushed my teeth again. They say, "Only floss the ones you wanna keep"; I always liked that joke. Then I swished around some mouthwash; kills gingivitis. Damn gingivitis. Leading cause of gum disease. Saw an old lady tryin' to cross the street. Grandma couldn't have been less than 90-years-old; probably seen a lot over those years; lots of stories to tell and a family that loves her. [spoken] Let me help you out, granny. Stop the cars to make sure granny could cross, I'm walkin' here! I loved that line. [narrating] Then I saw some pussy that made my heart stop. Pussy was caught up in the tree; little kid cryin' for it. Poor kid, probably not old enough to tie his shoes in his damn kitten's life is in my hands. [spoken] Here you go, buddy. [narrating] Tipped the barista $5 for my soylatte. These latte's are good; good enough to kill for, but I never do that. Killing is bad, unless you're killing gingivitis.

[saw Tarzan yelling] My goodness! Father, what was that?

It appears to be a jungle dwelling ape man.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I meant that.

Oh. That's a penis.

I think I like penis.

Well, you are your mother's daughter.

Now, this will only hurt for a second. [Arthur screams, swats his arms, and flinches, knocks the syringe out of the doctor's hand. It flies into the air and comes down, impaling the doctor in the eye!] MY EYE!!! MY EYE!!! [as he groans in pain and stumbles out through the door, he bumps into a table, and a box of scalpels falls off of it and onto the floor. He then steps on the scalpels, which impale his foot. He screams in even more pain and stumbles face first into a glass-doored display case, impaling him further with glass shards! We then cut to the office's waiting room, where several patients are awaiting their appointments and checkups. He then bursts through the door, now injured, flailing his arms and stumbling around. Everyone flees in terror, and an old woman hits him in the face with her purse, knocking him out the window, where he falls into a dumpster below. Stumbling around on a sidewalk in the city streets, he bounces into the way of a passing car and collides with it, which spins out of control, hits some pedestrians who are strolling on the sidewalk, and crashes into the wall of a porcupine farm. Next, he flies through the farm's window, where he is impaled by the porcupines' quills. Finally, he stumbles out through the front door and screams in agony. We cut back to the doctor's office, where it is shown that the whole thing never happened, he's fine and talking to Arthur from the beginning of the sketch] And that's what'll happen if you flinch. [Arthur holds out his arm, awaiting the shot] Oh, no, Arthur, this shot doesn't go in your arm. It goes in the tip of your penis.

I'm Danny Ocean, and for this caper, we're gonna need more than 11, 12 or 13 guys. So, team one, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, Carl Reiner, Elliott Gould, Scott Caan, Shaobo Qin, Eddie Jemison, Andy Garcia, Leonardo DiCaprio, Bruce Willis, Vin Diesel, William Shatner, Topher Grace, Christopher Walken, Justin Timberlake, Antonio Banderas, Samuel L. Jackson, Kurtwood Smith, Bruce Campbell, Jackie Chan and "Weird Al" Yankovic, you start a fight at the bar. Then team two, Sylvester Stallone, Erik Estrada, David Letterman, Vince Vaughn, Leonard Nimoy, Vladmir Putin, Frankenstein, my niece Susie, Koko the Gorilla, panda with a monocle, Peter Pan, John Denver's corpse, a mime, Sherlax the Devourer of Worlds and Ryan Seacrest, you'll slip in the back. Any questions?

No!

Then let's do this.

Mama, why does Grandma walked so slow?

Because Grandma's old, honey, and her bones are very brittle.

Mama, what's brittle?

You know like um...like..peanut brittle, dear.

Mmmm! Yummy! [runs out of the kitchen]

[off-screen] Oh, hi, little Rosa, oh. What are you do..?! Hey!

[off-screen] Where's the peanut brittle?! I want the peanut brittle! Where is it?! Give to me, I just want it!

[off-screen] Rosa, no! Let go Grandma's leg!

Hey, hey, hey! A pic-a-nic basket!

It's pronounced "Picnic", Yogi. "Picnic"!

Hey! My lunch!

Oh, we gotta run, Yogi!

You'll never catch him. He's smarter than the average bear.

Surprise! [slits the cop's neck with a knife and makes a run for it, but is killed by the sheriff]

Noooo! Yogi! [in a fiery rage, he's wearing a bandana and a chest of bullets; pulls out two guns and starts shooting like crazy like John Rambo]

Shhhh! I'm trying to watch these trailers, y'all! [moment of silence] I just playin'. You go trailers! [hollers]

(to tune of "Baby Got Back)

Don't be ridiculous

Belvedere can't hear

Say what?!

It's twenty feet by eighty

Yeah!

Percival!

Yeah!

You wanna hear the others talk?

Hell yeah!

Bring it in, sit it down

Can you hear me now?

I can hear!

Holy cow!

Make every knight say...

WOW!

Now you know that we cannot fail when we're looking for the Holy Grail

360 on the parameter

Bumping this with the circumference

Table be round!

[bleep] I'm never gonna need money anyway. Where you win this shit, shootin' dice? Come on, man. Come on, man, the hell wrong with you? Crown-wearing mother[bleep]. [bleep].

Steve, you and your wife are wonderful hosts. I'm being sincere.

You know, Julie, I don't think you ever got a tour of the house.

You're right.

Well, come on.

More apple pie for us, huh?

Oh, you. [doorbell rings] Who could that be? [opens the door]

[singing] Trojan Man!

[on horseback] Excuse me, madam, but I am needed upstairs!

Steve!

Trojan Man!

Keep it down.

I knew you acted weird around Julie, you bastard!

Put this on your penis.

Get off! Get off me! Get off me!

Julie, how could you?!

My clothes just fell off.

Her vagina will appreciate your forethought!

Will you shut the [bleep] up already?! Shut up!

I am leaving you!

Trojan Man!

Hey, watch the horse! That was my grandma's– [crash] Oh, no, you broke it!

That would never happen to a Trojan condom.

[singing] Trojan Man!

[crying] You said my problem didn't bother you.

It doesn't. I mean, Edward, this doesn't change anything.

It changes everything!

A reservoir tip is for your semen!

I got to get out of here. [leaves the house, with Edward following her]

You're a whore! You ruined my life, you whore!

I guess I'd better go.

[singing] Trojan Man!

[as Trojan Man rides out] Yeah, why don't you just get the [bleep] outta here? How about that?

[singing] Trojan Man!

[leaving a box of condoms] Just in case.

For when you wanna [bleep]! Yeah!

You young heroes are so much more than mere sidekicks, you're the future of Justice League of America. Mentoring your progress gives me enormous amount of pride. [Kid Flash steals Wonder Woman's suit and heroes gasped] Whoa! What the [bleep]?!?! [Kid Flash giggles] Give me those you little [bleep]stain!

I am very, very disappointed in you, boy. [whispering] Super-speed high five.

What happened?

It wasn't me! Martian Boyhunter did it!

I did. Why? Don't you trust me?

Are you gonna jump, or are we just gonna jerk each other off?