Robot Chicken Season 1 quotes

Boy, being a sock puppet really sucks, huh?

Yeah, especially when your puppet master is a 14-year old boy who whacks off in your face every night.

Santa Claus

[pulls over in his sleigh next to three girls] Ho, ho, ho!

[laughing] Ah Projaq, you're a gift of former mad scientists everywhere; with your help I'll use my inventions for good, right boys?

I live! This is awesome! [walks downtown] I'm alive, I'm alive! [townspeople scream in terror] Ahaha, yeah; ooh, sparkly! [breaks glass of jewelry store] Aw, being alive holds such amazing wonders!

Freeze, uh hands a-above your head sir!

I love you all! [police shoot at Robot] I want to play too! [shoots machine gun through his stomach] What a great game; I win! [dog barks at Robot] Look at you. [grabs the dog with a harsh grip on dog killing and bleeding the dog] I haven't seen anything so adorable in all my twenty minutes of life; come here you!

Well, boys, I hope you...oh my god!

Freeze copkiller!

What, no!

There'd better be a reason! [start shooting]

[Struggling to stay up in gunfire] Aah no!

Vanax, get your smile back; but without the desire to build giant robots.

[after the credits] Uhhh...I'm-I'm here to pick up the...monkey? Hello? [picks up Seth's leg]

[singing]

A letter from the admissions' office? My life starts now!

[disappointed] Rejected?! Fiddlesticks! [they both hang their heads]

[singing]

That's the last tray of imitation meat patties you'll ruin. You're fired.

Isn't there anything I can do to save my job? [space wheel spins again]

Yes, there is.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, I really... need... this... job!

Work it! You're keepin' your job!

[singing]

[praying] God, please, please.

Nooo! [crying] Oh, God, why?!

[singing]

Come on, honey, just one more big push!

[excited] Aw, shoot!

[singing]

God, another interview you've blown? We can't all live on beer, you know!

You ought to...shut...your...

[wailing] Stop!

...big...mouth...

Please, stop!

...once...

Don't hit me!

...and...for...all..stupid...

[in tears] I'm sorry!

...bitch!

[singing now sounding panicked]

[Bleep] spinner....

Good evening. As you know, I have dealt with many aliens in the past, but now you criticize me about the Mexico alien. [Cut to the Desert of California with a long wired fence that can keep the aliens out] Here, I show you how the great state of California has dealt with the Mexico border issue. Here we have the high-tech border fence with the highly trained border guard. Now, who will explain further.

People runnin' across the border was a problem, but these new systems are impregnable...

[preparing to run under the border fence] Andale, Andale! Arriba, Arriba! [speeds away]

[angrily] Son of a bitch.

Cracking down on the crimes will discourage the immigrants from coming here illegally.

That's him! He drew a "Z" on my wall.

Yes, right, after I broke up a robbery. I'm a fucking hero! Aah! Chingo tu madre!

We must stop the hiring of the illegal aliens. I asked for this water an hour ago! You are too slow!

Slow? But mi nombre es Slowpoke Rodriguez.

You, the security people. Take the mouse and deport him!

No, señor! They'll execute me in mi country! You are killing me! YOU ARE KILLING ME...!

But we are also compassionate for the children found in the border.

We found this little girl wandering around with no parental supervision.

Soy un explorer! Estoy en una adventura magnífico, con mi amigo Boots! [Translation: I'm a explorer! I'm on a magnificent adventure, with my friend Boots!]

Which we dealt with per CDC regulations.

And here is the latest hero to fight the illegal border crime: Superman!

Thank you, Governor. We Super Friends had no idea that El Dorado was an illegal when we let him join our ranks. I'm on my way to deport him right now.

Yeah yeah, good job with that Superman thing going on there. Now how did you come to this great country yourself? [a moment, then Superman flies away and breaks through a ceiling] Gott in Himmel!

Sir, if you have a moment, I want to talk about how you got into this country?

[a moment, then] ...Up, up, and away! [also flies away and crashing through the ceiling. Border Patrol Officer #2 tries to catch Schwarzenegger to no avail]

Are you Timmy? [the little boy shakes his head no] Dammit! I'll find him. [disappears back in the toilet]

Run Forest Run!

So why are you here?

I want to destroy cities and rid the streets of weaponry.

Yeah, but, why are you really here?

I wanna be king of the monsters.

There you go. Now, if you stick with me, you'll make it, but, uh, you gotta unlearn that bull[bleep] that they teach ya in Monster Island now, cuz that [bleep] gonna get ya killed out here.

I'll do anything you want me to do.

[laughs] My lizard. Now how's your Japanese?

Not that good.

Well, you learn that [bleep] then, brother, cos that [bleep] gonna get ya killed. These mother[bleep]ers out there be plottin' all types of [bleep] on ya. [we cut to him and Godzilla Jr meeting Mazinger, who knocks the building down] Hey yo, Mazinger! You got my stuff?

Yo, what you need, Zilla? Check it out, I got rocket firing hands; I got rockets for your shoulders and legs, man, my [bleep] is tight!

[doing the secret handshake] Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about. But anyway... [roars, shoots a beam at Mazinger, killing him]

[gasped] What did you do?!

Justifiable homicide on the line of duty.

No, that was murder!

Open your eyes, son.

That man was your friend, and you killed him like a fly!

Why is he my friend, huh? Because he knows my name? Mazinger sold guns and rockets; the world is a better place without him anyway. Now get your ass in the car.

No way, man. I'm getting reassigned.

Well, you do that! You tell them what I did; I don't give a damn, cuz I got news for ya: King Kong ain't got [bleep] on me!

Mom, where's my costume?!

[pulls out a pink Power Rangers costume] Here it is, Randy: Power Rangers costume, just like you asked.

It's a girl's costume! [the doorbell rings; horrified] My friends are here!

Nobody cares what color your costume is.

Randy's going as Elton John this year.

[Bleep] you guys! Mom, I need a trick or treat bag!

We're out of shopping bags, honey. Just use this. [hands him a purse]

Nice purse, lady!

Here you are, little girl. [gives Randy some candy]

That does it! I'm going home. [unsuccessfully tries to remove his helmet] It's too small. I...I can't get it off!

This is the greatest Halloween ever.

[fearfully] It's Armpit! RUN!

[chuckles evilly and grabs one kid] Come here! [then throws him on the house behind him, and them grabs two more, smacks them into each other, and takes their bags. He spots Randy, thinking he's a girl] Hey, baby. You, me, going for a ride.

[frightened] No...

[worried] Oh, no. Armpit's gonna rape Randy.

[weeping and wailing] Nobody...understands me! I-I tried to fit in, but I'm filled with so much rage! Why did my soccer coach do that to me?! [groans and wails some more, then calms down] You know what, sweet heart? I didn't even get your name.

Uhhh..

Are you Randy McCormick?

[gasping in amazement before getting out of the car] Yes! Oh, thank goodness you're here! I'm Randy McCormick!

[shocked and disgusted] Randy McCormick?! I'm gonna kill you, man! [groans, and drives away into the night]

Randy, I'm afraid your mom's dead.

[shocked] What?!?!

It was a fire, son. [hands Randy a letter] It appears that she could only write this note that said she never loved you.

Oh, no!

Right before she shot your dog. [pause, brightens] Have a happy Halloween. [then drives away, too, leaving Randy all alone in the night]

Help! I've fallen and I can't get up! [long pause] I said, I've fallen-

MedicAlert at you service!

Oh, thank goodness. You see, I've fallen and I can't get... [employee tiptoes to the lounge] Uh...mister? Sir? [employee steals television] With my things, you're... [steals her handbag] What are you doi-?

[gripping Arnold Schwarzenegger over a bridge] Remember when I said I'd kill you last?

No! I don't recall-Oh! You were quoting a line from my movie.

I lied!

I know how it goes! [dropped off the bridge] You suck! [dies]

That stopped him.

Yeah, but man, a spikestrip? I mean, couldn't we had tried a warning first?

Yeah, we could've, but we didn't. Hehehe.

Micro Machines Man here to tell you about the genuine, original, marvelously majestic micro machines collection. Make these cars zoom and vroom, veer and sneer, jump and bump. Micro Machines Man used to own a mustang convertible, but his wicked witchifing wife took it and everything he owned in a divorce proceeding that left yours truly emasculated, devoid of testicles, but an empty scrotum swinging between his legs, like a portentous pendulum tick-tock ticking away the remains of yesterday's youth and vigor. Yes, the sea cow from the black hole married Micro Machines Man not for the promise of eternal tongue tickling, but for an amorphous amore only a succubus could inflict on a balding butthead with poor prospects. I'll never see my kids again. Tonight's the night when a rigid Remington rifle barrel gets frenetically fellated and brain matter goes splatter and the big blanket of darkness gives cold comfort to a broken bastard. For a product you can't take with you to the grave, brought to you by Galoob.

If you don't buy us, we get killed!