[narrating] The Joker came to Arkham Asylum in the summer of aught nine. I know as much because I remember thinking, "That is the whitest son of a bitch I have ever seen." [the Joker enters the warden's office] He had a funny way about him, not "ha-ha" funny, more "stab-stab" funny.
[on the microphone] Welcome back to Arkham's Top 40. The Riddler writes: "Joker, can you please play 'Who Let the Dogs Out?'" [through speaker] Well, Riddler, here's your deathroom dedication.
[triumphantly] Yes!
[narrating] He even found a way to fool the Sodomites.
Come here, Joker. I'm gonna fill that balloon up real good. [the camera shows a Joker balloon]
[narrating] And despite appearances, we became friends.
I hear you're a man who can get things.
Well, that depends.
I need a large poster of Phyllis Diller.
That may take time.
Time's the one thing I've got. [long pause] Well, that and dementia.
[Later at night]
[checking the name list] Scarecrow; check. Two-Face; check. Joker? [not responding] Joker, you better be sick or dead in there or I [bleep] you not!
[narrating] I remember thinking it would take a man a hundred years to tunnel out of Arkham.
[enters the Joker's empty prison cell] What the hell?!
[narrating] The Joker did it in just two days. [laughs] Clearly, I gots trouble with the math.
[takes off the poster of Phyllis Diller to reveal the hole in the wall] Think you can escape in the sewer line, huh, Joker?! Not with the Batman on your tail! [in the sewer pipe] Ugh, smells like Batman Forever.
[revealed, laughing] Sucker!
[narrating] But what we didn't know was that the Joker hadn't actually left yet.
Buffalo wings, do your thing! [takes a crap and flushes toilet]
Ughh! Hello, there's a man down there; please don't flush anything for a while!
Oooowhee! Forget about The Green Mile, try walking the brown mile!
[getting flushed on] Oh, God, oh, God! [crap takes him out of the sewer]
[narrating] Batman crawled through a river of [bleep] 500 yards long. I remember thinking that was probably the length of five Ping-Pong tables; again, not so good with the math. I remember thinking you have to be pretty insane to play a joke, like that on the Batman.
[The rain and music immediately stops]
Oh, come on!
[narrating] Then again, I remember thinking that was pretty damn funny.
[Batman hears the Joker laughing, and walks off; disappointed]
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