Rick and Morty Season 1 quotes

Hey, what's up, Summer? Ooh, nice top.

Summer

Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight?

No can do. Tonight's the big dance, and Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wingman! [high-fives Morty]

Tiny Rick! [Morty laughs]

Summer

Okay, but if not tonight, when?

I dunno. When I feel like it?

Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea in the first place, and now you're tryin' to rush it along.

Yeah, and y'know what? I like high school. I like hangin' out. I'm Tiny Rick!

Summer

But what if the you that likes it isn't you?

[beat, laugh out loud] Oh, Summer!

It's just Rick in a younger body! What's the-what's-what's-what's... what's the problem?

Summer

Look at his art, Morty!

I've got an emo streak. It's part of what makes me so rad.

Summer

Why does it say "Help me Morty and Summer!"?!

[crumbles, throws paper] Come on, Summer, that's just the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider? The car's name was KITT. Nobody rode Michael Knight. You're overthinkin' it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick!!

Summer

Grandpa, I think that when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do—it shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a large wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters—those facts are who you are! So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst!

Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckas at the dance! Tiny Rick!

Summer

Morty, you have to help me!

Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! I-I-Is that why you're doing this?! You don't want me and Rick to be happy?!

Summer

No!

Well, then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack—all your shit, so it's together. [leaves, then comes back] And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it, o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together! [leaves, then comes back again] Get your shit together. [leaves]

Master?

[deep voice] Speak.

Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed.

No bother. The mortals shall soon-- [switches to a higher, more neurotic voice] I'm sorry, what'd you say his name was?

Coach Feratu.

"Coach Feratu"? That was his real name, like his actual vampire name?

No, no, no, his vampire name was Balik Alistane.

Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie?! Was he doing a bit?!

I do not know, Your Unholiness.

Jesus fucking Christ! From now on, no more of this "clever name" bullshit! When a vampire's pretending to be a human, they can just call themselves "Allen Jefferson" or something like that! [to hooded acolytes] It's crazy, right?! I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not? [acolytes hurriedly shake their heads] Good, okay, great!

Jerry

W...where am I?

Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital. I mean, to you, it's an alien hospital. To me, you're just in a hospital. There's another matter we need to discuss with you.

Jerry

Okay.

An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles, the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader, was brought to this hospital's emergency room where he is currently fighting for his life.

Jerry

My God!

Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved... if we replace his heart with your human penis.

Jerry

I see... Wait, what?! [the doctor presents an anatomical hologram to Jerry]

It's perfect. The configuration of veins, the ratio of thickness to elasticity, the delicate asymmetry of what you call your balls—and with relatively few adjustments, your genitals can be moulded into a functioning heart for the most important man in the universe.

Jerry

Yeah, but, I mean—

Oh, forget it! I told you this was a waste of time!

Have respect, Yarp. The Earth man's world is tiny and undeveloped. He knows nothing of the genocides of Clorgon, or the tragic events of 65.3432.23/14.

And even if he did, he wouldn't comprehend them. I've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises. It's funny to say they are small. It's funny to say they are big. I've been at parties where humans held bottles, pencils, thermoses in front of themselves and called out, "Hey, look at me. I'm Mr. So-and-So Dick. I've got such-as-such for a penis." I never saw it fail to get a laugh.

Jerry

All right! That's enough! You guys are talking about my species! We understand genocide! We do it sometimes!

Then you would give your penis so that Shrimply Pibbles might live?

Stop asking!

Jerry

Yes, I will! That's right, assholes! Take my penis. Take it all!! And tell Shrimply Pibbles that when the galaxy came calling, Jerry Smith from Earth didn't flinch!

It's the Opposite News with Michael Thompson!

Hey, everybody, it's me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope didn't get killed. He's perfectly fine, and he's on vacation in Aruba. In other opposite news...

Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side of the screen like that?

I don't know, Morty. Let's see what else is on, huh? [changes channel]

Hey, welcome to Cooking Things. I'm Pichael Thompson.

Hey, wait a minute, Rick! This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left!

Oh my God, and his name's Pichael!

I'm cooking a little bit of this, I'm gonna cook a little bit of that. Oh-ho-ho, hey! [drags conjoined Michael] Stop tugging, Michael!

Oh my God! Siamese twins! They're-they're Siamese twins!

You quit tugging! I-I'm in the middle of my news!

Oh, oh, it's always about you, isn't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, he's got a normal name!

Hey, flip back to the news!

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You could tell our parents started with naming with him. [the news camera backs away, showing them in Pichael's side] It's like, "Oh, Michael." I ha— They had that one planned before they even got pregnant, I bet.

Summer

I don't wanna be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time?

Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.

And then they found out I was attached along for the ride and they said, "Ah, shit. Well, just fuck it, call him Pichael."

[throws papers at Pichael's face] Fuck you, Pichael! You're a fucking piece of shit!

Summer

Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence?

Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, y'know? M-Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to EXTINCTION!

Geez, Morty. I take it Katherine Heffelfinger hasn't texted you back yet?

I don't wanna talk about it!

Hey, Muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet or you gonna freak out and start worshipping us?

The general store ought to have what you need.

Thanks.

Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown.

Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute, what? Why?

Sundown is when the Festival begins.

The Festival?

Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, livin' in perfect peace.

Oh! I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a year, where you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence!

That's right!

What?!

It's like The Purge, Morty! Th-That movie, The Purge?

Oh, have you been here before?

No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. Y'know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called it just Murder Night. I-It's a purge planet. They're peaceful and then, y'know, they just purge.

Th-That's horrible!

Yeah. [beat] You wanna check it out?

You're the worst! And this planet is the worst! How can you be into this, y'know?! People are gonna kill each other!

So, what, y-y-you tryin' to sit here and tell me that iiif-- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, you don't click on it?

No! Why... why would I do that?! You do that?!

I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Morty.

Jerry

Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone?

Summer

Is that a real question?

Jerry

Just... making conversation.

Summer

Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation, you're holding me verbally hostage.

Jerry

[frowning] Okay, ass-face, I'll go in the kitchen. [starts to walk out]

Summer

Hey, Dad?

Jerry

[smiling again] Yeah?

Summer

Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen?

Jerry

[frowing again] Okay.

Summer

Yeah. You like that?

Jerry

Screw you!

Oh god, it hurts... she got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty! It's the hardest working liver in the galaxy, Morty! Now it has a hole in it!

Wait, stop! Please don't kill me! I-I never intended to harm you, I swear! I am trying to end the Festival!

Wh-what-what do you mean?

I was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly Festival!

[still frenzied] FUCK THAT, RICK! WE GOTTA KILL HER! KILL HER! KILL HER!!

Whoa! Geez, Morty, purge it down a little.

"PURGE, DON'T PURGE"?! YOU'RE SENDING ME MIXED MESSAGES, RICK!

Morty, yehh-you're acting like a ehh-freaking lunatic. Calm down.

SCREW YOU, RICK! I'LL PURGE YOU TOO, YOU OLD... "RICKETY" PIECE OF CRAP! THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR FUCKING GUTS OUT AND SMEAR 'EM ALL OVER YOUR FACE! I AIN'T TAKING NO SH-AAAHH!! [gets zapped by Rick]

Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

Jerry

Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this... previously unknown galactic government?

All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.

Jerry

How could you be so dishonest with this family?!

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know—my now dead best friend?! Or your daughter, who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc?!

Summer

Hey, Tammy was cool!

And now we know why!

Summer

Because of you!

Fuck you, Summer! And fuck the government! And fuck me for letting my guard down, which I will NEVER DO AGAIN.

Geez, Rick! You can't say f— "'F' you" to your granddaughter!

I just did, Morty. Here's dessert: fuck you.

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.

Yeah, about going home? We can't. Ever.

Wait, what?! / What?!

Oh, these guys are looking for us now. Earth will be swarming with them.

Jerry

Us?!

Jerry—

Jerry

I want to go home!

Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to go back to Earth. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of ehh-jumper cables under your nuts and/or labia, and hook 'em up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am - which I guarantee you you're not gonna know, which I guarantee they won't believe! So who's homesick? By applause. [Summer starts crying] Ladies? Anybody?

Summer

What are we going to do?! Where are we going to live?!

Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means "dirt", right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the Milky Way are at least 90 percent similar to Earth?

[calculates] "765 known planets."

How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?

"Three."

See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfuckin' world?! All right!

Jerry

Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation?

Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. Y'know, it's a small world.

Jerry

Please, he's in the south pole! And we need to have a serious conversation!

South pole discovered, baby! Oohhhh!! Oh, fuck, an ice cave?! Shit! [crawls into it] Things just keep on getting better! [reaches a heated area, starts shimmying at the side] Wow, it's the planet's core.

Jerry

[heard above] I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, [Rick climbs up and eavesdrops underneath the cabin floorboards] but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd want to interrogate us. But, and this is purely hypothetical—what if we turned your father into the government?

Jerry, so help me God, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon!

Jerry

There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself?!

That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick! ... F-F-For the most part.

Summer

Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad. You love them unconditionally.

That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you.

Jerry

Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants?

Yes!

Jerry

WHY?!

Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!

I can see why you chose this family-friendly restaurant to represent your cerebellum. So safe, so comfortable... so Shoney's. But admit it, Rick—you're going crazy cooped up in here. Let's go visit some memories.

Oh, any particular ones? You want to see my first boner, or should we go straight to the moment I discovered interdimensional travel? [Cornvelious Daniel squeals] Ooh, your little flappy doodles are twitching. Does that mean you're aroused, or did you just get a signal that one of your buddies found a grape?

It's arousal. Yes, I'd like very much to visit the memory of you inventing your portal gun.

Yeah, well, tough titties. [the restaurant starts crumbling around Cornvelious Daniel and Rick]

There's no tougher titty than a psychotic break, Rick.

Well, that depends on who breaks first—me or the titty.

Operating an unregistered portal gun, radicalizing a Summer, conspiring with a traitorous Rick. How do you plead?

How is this a fair trial? O-Our lawyer is a Morty!

It's not fair, you have no rights, and he's not a lawyer. We just keep him here because he's fun. Look at him go! [he laughs as "Lawyer" Morty drops his papers and dances around] We'll be lenient if you renounce your Rick. What say you, Summer?

Summer

I say "fuck you"! My grandpa was my hero! You killed him because you were jealous of him, that's pretty obvious from the haircuts. So do what you want to me, but let my brother go. He already renounced Rick.

Morty?

["Lawyer" Morty whispers to him] What? N-No, I don't want to see your Pog collection! I don't renounce Rick, and I never have. I was just trying to protect my sister. [to Summer, who looks stunned and more sympathetic] I wanted you to have a normal life. That's something you can't have when Rick shows up. Everything real turns fake, everything right is wrong - all you know is that you know nothing and he knows everything. And, well... well, he's not a villain, Summer, but he shouldn't be your hero. He's more like a demon, or a super fucked-up god.

Let's not suck the ghost of his dick too hard. He was a terrorist, and now he's dead.

Oh yeah? If you think my Rick's dead, he's alive, and if you think you're safe, he's coming for you!

Geez! Are my parents seriously gonna get divorced? All right, Rick, I'm gonna go to my--

[grabs him] Ah-ah, not so fast, Morty! You heard your mom. We've got adventures to go on, Morty, just you and me. And sometimes your sister and sometimes your mom, but never your dad. You wanna know why, Morty? Because he crossed me.

Okay, take it easy, Rick. T-T-That's dark.

Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures. First thing that's different: no more Dad, Morty!

Oh, geez...

He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away!

Oh, fuck...!

I've replaaaaced them both as the de facto patriarch of your family and your universe.

Oh, man...

Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home without you and your sister, so now you know the real reason I rescued you. I just took over the family, Morty! And if you tell your mom or sister I said any of this, I'll deny it!

You're gonna deny it...

And they'll take my side because I'm a hero, Morty! And now you're gonna have to go and do whatever I say, Morty! Forever! And I'll-- I'll go out and I'll find some more of that Mulan Szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty!

What are you talking about?

Because that's-- that's what this is all about, Morty!

"Szechuan"?

That's my one-armed man! I'm not driven by avenging my dead family, Morty - that was fake! I-I-I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce!

"Nuggets"?

I want that Mulan McNugget sauce, Morty! That's my series arc, Morty!

What the hell?!

If it takes nine seasons! I want my McNugget dipping sauce, Szechuan sauce, Morty!

What are you talking about, Rick?!

That's what's gonna take us all the way to the end, Morty!

What are you talking about?!

Season-- Nine more seasons, Morty! Nine more seasons until I get that dipping Szechuan sauce!

What is that?!

For 97 more years, Morty!

What are you talking about?!

I want that McNugget sauce, Morty!