SGSleepy Gary
I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields?
I can't do that, Sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me! I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out.
PPencilvester
[grunts] But Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff.
[cutaway to living room with Frankenstein, Morty, Ghost In a Jar, Pencilvester, Beth and Sleepy Gary]
You guys! We gotta hurry! I just got back from Walmart, they're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for 149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card—brings the total price down to $110 after tax! Now listen! We can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones! Hurry! Hurry, come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! [exits, comes back] Nintendo, give me free stuff.
[back to present]
Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that!
PPencilvester
Don't overreact, Rick.
[holding Rick at gunpoint] All right, you listen to me, you son-of-a-bitch parasite scum. We could either do this the easy way or the hard way, you know? Y-Y-Y-You wanna live? Then open the blast shield doors.
[restrained by Baby Wizard and Duck With Muscles] Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed too!
You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us. You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.
O-O-Oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny little piece of shit, Morty!
Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb little ass, and about six of them are pleasant! The rest is annoying garbage! So why don't you do us both a favor and PULL THE TRIGGER?! DO IT! DO IT, MOTHERFUCKER! PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER!
[Coming to a realization, Morty shoots Baby Wizard, who turns back into a parasite as he dies]
DWDuck With Muscles
Oh, wow, Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife!
[Morty shoots him too, and he also turns back into a parasite]
I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!
[remembers several moments where he caused Morty to suffer] Holy crap, Morty, you're right!
Is-- Isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?
[evasively] Well... yeah, d-doy. T-Took you long enough. [opens a hidden compartment filled with weapons] Now let's go, Morty. We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate.
[While fighting the parasites, Summer remembers an unpleasant incident where she discovered Morty masturbating in the kitchen]
OH MY GOD! [covers her eyes]
[covering himself] I-I-I thought you went to a concert!
We forgot the tickets! WHY IN THE KITCHEN?!
I DO IT EVERYWHERE, STOP SHAMING ME!
YOU'RE NOT THE VICTIM HERE!
I HATE YOU AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOUR FRIEND GRACE!
[Summer runs out screaming]
[After killing all the parasites]
From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone.
This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We're what's left? What a family.
At least we're real, Jerry. We're real! Rikki-Tikki-Tavi!
Ooh-wee! Amen to that. Now, this little poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop?
[Rick passes him one. Beth watches him suspiciously as he eats]
Huh. I-I-Is something wrong, Beth?
[Beth shoots him, sending him flying into the wall, bleeding actual blood instead of parasite slime, and everyone cries out in horror]
[on the phone] I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting, my wife shot... Uh, my-- My wife shot a long-time family friend.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, Mr. Poopybutthole!
Keep breathing! Look at me! Look at me! Don't-- Don't fall asleep!
Is this what bleeding to death is? Oh-wee... Is this how I die?
Why would you do this, Beth? It's not supposed to hurt, I-I thought... ooh-wee...
[Police sirens are heard outside; Beth retreats into the kitchen, sobbing and messily pouring and drinking a glass of wine]
I’ve seen enough of the galaxy to know that what we’ve got here is a Cromulon from the Cygnus-5 Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won’t go away until Uhh-Earth shows them it’s got... [dramatically] a hit song!
[Everyone murmurs]
SSimon
You mean like Vivaldi?
No, Frasier - a live performance of a newly written, catchy, original song. The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved lifeforms.
All right, all right, thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people. Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. [silence] The-Dream? He wrote “Umbrella” and “Single Ladies” - you people haven’t heard of The-Dream?
You’re gonna wanna put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51.
NNathan
How do you know about that?
For God’s sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google Maps!
Sir? Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy - they’re all dead.
What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them?
Wh-what do you think, Ice? Probably a little overdeveloped.
ITIce-T
Shit. Overdeveloped, underdeveloped, a bad song's a bag song.
Well, do you think, maybe--? Could you give me some help with it, or--?
ITIce-T
Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame, you know what I'm saying?
Ice, I don't want to be a Negative Nelly or anything, but ihh-if Morty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, y'know, kind of your problem too!
ITIce-T
Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man.
ITIce-T
Yo, this is why. [his body turns into a giant floating block of ice]
What the fuck?! You can turn into ice?!
ITIce-T
My story begins at the dawn of time, in the faraway realm of Alphabetrium. There, every being is a letter of the alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up. Because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet!
Take it from me, Ice. Youuu can't just eh-float around space not caring about stuff forever.
ITIce-T
Pssh! Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. [blasts away through the ceiling like a rocket]
[phased into a room] Oh, man! Where are we, Rick?
Morty, remember eight seconds ago when— [burps] when you said "Go inside what?" and I said "The battery"? And then we showed up here and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Morty. What a perplexing mystery this is."
All right, all right. We're inside the battery, I get it. You don't have to bust my balls.
Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be sending 20 terawatts of juice to the... engine, Morty. Instead, we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing?!
Ugh... It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Morty, hold on to something.
[the engine room hovers out of a volcano and flies into a civilized city]
Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick! T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something!
Thanks, Morty. I'm pretty proud of this bad boy. Check it out. [shows hologram] I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff.
You have a whole planet... sitting around making your power for you?! That's slavery!
It's society! They work for each other, Morty. They pay each other, they buy houses, they get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power.
That just sounds like slavery with extra steps!
Ooh-la-la, someone's gonna get laid in college.
PCPresident Chris
Zeep, this is Rick, the alien!
[pretending to think] Rick the alien... Rick the alien...
Really? You're gonna pull that move? I guided your entire civilization! Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving! They teach kids about me in school!
I dropped out of school. It's not a place for smart people.
You do realize this will make the floooble crank obsolete? [Rick flexes his bones] This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong. You're basically... [scoffs, Rick mouths his words] This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves.
KKyle
Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money.
That just sounds like slavery with ex...tra... steps... [turns to Rick]
Wait a minute... [grabs him] Did you create my universe?! Is my universe a miniverse?!
[Zeep removes his antenna headband] Ugh! You bastard!! [removes Zeep's mask]
Much obliged! [pummels into Rick fighting each other]
KKyle
What the hell is happening?
This is healthy. Trust me.
You're my battery, motherfucker! [punches Zeep] That's all you are! I made you!! Your microverse sucks!! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!! It's whack!!
KKyle
Are they not really aliens?
Nah, they're just a couple of... crazy, wacky scientists, y'know?
KKyle
So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe, and that guy made a universe... and that's the universe where I was born? Where my father died... Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe.
[laughs] Yeah! Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. Y'know, one time, Rick sh— accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. Ha, y'know, I mean, like... o...old-lady science, y'know? She-she-she's... she's a real... [Kyle walks away] You gotta hang on tight, y'know? Because she... she'll, she bucks really hard. [Kyle enters engine room pod, flies it straight into a canyon] Ohh, boy, wha— Oh my God, no!!
[the pod crashes into the canyon; Morty looks down at its flaming debris in the river with Rick and Zeep looking down]
Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it!
Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse, and then the microverse around that, and guess what?!
Don't make things worse, Rick! [to Zeep] Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe, ya know? W-We need it to start our car--
[aghast] THAT'S what you use my universe for?! TO RUN YOUR CAR?!
Yeah, but don't flatter yourself! There's always triple-A, you fucking cocksucker!
Wait, what?! Vampires are real?!
Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh right, all humanity for hundreds of years now.
Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick?
Well, what are we going to do?!
We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.
[meanwhile, in Harry Herpson High School]
Any leads on the vampire?
No, Summer. I mean, y'know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go.
Oh, so now you're too cool for this just because Grandpa Rick is?
It's not that, it's just... that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. [closes locker next to Tiny Rick] Ahh!
TRTiny Rick
What up, my Helsings?! Who wants to hunt a vampire?! Hahaha!
TRTiny Rick
Yeah, I got bored and then I remembered this morning how I blew Summer off and I thought, "Hey, why're you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled on in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick!!
Well, it's good you're here, Rick.
TRTiny Rick
It'll still be fun to do this as a fuckin' team, motherfuckas! [all hands join, up high] Tiny Rick!
Yeah! Oh my God—Toby Matthews!
TRTiny Rick
Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. [Summer hides her face] I'm new. Hey—oh, go easy on me. Haha! Just kiddin'.
TMToby Matthews
[beat] ..I like your straightforward style. And that lab coat's pretty cool. [strolls] Summer.
TRTiny Rick
Why wouldn't he?! You're great! But listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, [nudges Summer's arm] not even the dreamboats.
[flattered] Stop, Tiny Rick.
TRTiny Rick
HUNTIN' A VAMPIRE WITH MY GRANDKIIIDS!! FUCK!! TINY RIIICK!!!
[The monsters created from Jerry and Beth's perceptions of each other go on a murderous rampage]
GSGlaxo Slimslom
What the FUCK?!
Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?!
GSGlaxo Slimslom
US?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?!
Oh, right, blame this on us.
GSGlaxo Slimslom
Okay, uh, I can and I am! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating.
GSGlaxo Slimslom
No! NO! It's BAD! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed - it shouldn't EXIST! You should never, ever, ever have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together!
... Well, this is just bad couples' therapy.
