Summer, next time we're hiding in a chlorkian echo nest, can you do me a favour and turn your ringer off?!
It's called carpe diem, Morty. Look it up.
You look it up, you don't... you don't even know what it means.
That's because losers look stuff up while the rest of us are carp'en all them 'diems.
Listen to your sister, Morty. To live is to risk it all, otherwise you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you. Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry, I didn't see you there, how much of that did you hear?
All of it. You were looking right at me. [sighs] I just... wanted to say goodbye to the kids.
Cool. Just stay in the driveway; the kill-bots are live, and I took you off the whitelist.
[Summer walks with Hemorrhage's group through an abandoned city shooting hordes of mutants]
How come you guys dress like you're in a theme-park stunt show, but these guys wear khakis and hockey jerseys? [Hemorrhage's man shoots a mutant]
HHemorrhage
After the boom-boom, some adapted to the new truth, and some chose to huddle near the boomy holes, clinging to the lie of the before-fore times. [shoots a mutant] The raidy-rays rotted them away, [approaches group of mutants on a billboard] leaving only their love for the vert-vert-isements on billyboards.
Jesus Christ! Did the boomy-booms blow up all your wordy-word books?
HHemorrhage
You mean dictionaries? [Summer and Hemorrhage shoot the mutants down; Hemorrhage kneels down on the billboard and places his hand on the boy of a family] I think I was a child before the boom-booms. I think I looked like this.
HHemorrhage
Get out of my head.
[Morty comes to the garage] Morty!
Are you invisible and you're gonna, like, fart on me?
Flip the pickle over. [Morty walks to the workbench]
What, I'm gonna touch it, and you're gonna tell me it's an alien dick or something?
Come on, flip the pickle, Morty. [Morty holds a screwdriver] You're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge. [Morty turns pickle over with Rick's face on it] I turned myself into a pickle, Morty! Boom! Big reveal! I'm a pickle! What do you think about that? I turned myself into a pickle! W-what are you just staring at me for, bro? I turned myself into a pickle, Morty.
"And"? What more do you want tacked on to this? I turned myself into a pickle, and 9/11 was an inside job?
Who cares, Morty? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here's something that's never happened before: I'm a pickle! I'M PICKLE RIIIIICK!
[At Dr. Wong's office]
I didn't say my father is perfect, I said his work is important.
And she's saying what's important is that Grandpa lied to you to get out of coming here.
Let's do an experiment here. I get the impression this family values science. So raise your hand if you feel certain you know what was in the syringe.
[Nobody raises their hand.]
Raise your hand if you know for certain the syringe does not contain anti-pickle serum.
[Beth begins to raise her hand but stops herself.]
Beth, your hand did a little thing there.
Do you really not see what's happening here?
Well, Dr. Wong -- by the way, racist name -- obviously, Morty and Summer are seizing on your arbitrary pickle obsession as an end run around what was supposed to be their therapy.
Oh, I think this pickle incident is a better path than any other to the heart of your family's dysfunction. I think it's possible that you and your father have a very specific dynamic. I don't think it's one that rewards emotion or vulnerability. I think it may punish them. I think it's possible that dynamic eroded your marriage, and is infecting your kids with a tendency to misdirect their feelings.
[A short pause]
MSMorty and Summer, in unison
Mom!
[Later]
What do you think is in the syringe, Beth?
You're the one that costs $200 an hour. You tell me.
MSMorty and Summer
Anti-pickle serum.
Your kids think it might be anti-pickle serum.
My kids pee their desks and suck on unbaked vases.
[Morty picks up a book which sits on Dr. Wong's coffee table, which he opens and reads]
They're just angry at me for divorcing their father.
I never said I was angry at you.
That's the point of pottery-enamel huffing, Summer. You do it so you don't have to say "I'm angry at mommy" out loud.
Oh, my God! [Morty closes the book and puts it back on the coffee table, pointing at it] Oh, there-there's pictures of people eating poop in there!
[Dr. Wong picks the book up and puts it on her lap]
It's not my job to take sides or pass judgment. Do you think when your father asks for that syringe, you could ask him --
He won't have to ask for it, okay? He won't need it. He'll just make more. He doesn't need anything from anyone.
It's better than making your problems other people's problems.
[Transition to Pickle Rick and Jaguar fighting in an office. Pickle Rick tries to shoot Jaguar with his laser while Jaguar tries to shoot at Pickle Rick with two guns. A bullet hits Pickle Rick and takes a small chunk out of him.]
[Pickle Rick hits Jaguar's shoulder with the laser, Pickle Rick hides behind a shelf while Jaguar hides behind a desk]
JJaguar
Pickle Man! You should know this isn't personal!
[Jaguar bites a bullet, and pours the gunpowder into a coffee filter]
You should know that isn't original.
[Pickle Rick kicks open a Styrofoam container with a burger inside and pulls it towards him]
JJaguar
They have my daughter! [Jaguar takes a water bottle and pours the water into his open wound] There's nothing I won't do to see her again.
Yeah, there's lots I wouldn't do to see my daughter, but killing you gets me to her quicker than your derivative bullshit.
[Pickle Rick takes a tomato slice out of the burger and squeezes it onto his missing chunk. He pulls out a packet of mustard and bites it open. Jaguar pours the gunpowder into his wound and winces. Pickle Rick rubs mustard on his missing chunk and shouts, squeezing open the mustard packet. Jaguar lights a match and puts it up to the wound, setting it on fire. Pickle Rick grabs a stapler and staples a pickle slice to his missing chunk. Both start yelling in pain]
JJaguar
I never bullshit, Pickle Man! This can only end with one of us dead, and I have never died!
That'll be your downfall, Jaguar: not being open to new experiences.
[Transition to surveillance room. The two continue fighting. Pickle Rick's laser gradually takes out all of the cameras]
[Pickle Rick comes into Dr. Wong's room with Beth, Summer and Morty]
I've heard a lot about you today. Your family is crazy about you, your daughter holds you in very high regard, you're a lucky fella.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you. Hey, sweetie, you don't still happen to have that syringe in your purse?
[Beth looks to Dr. Wong, who nods to her to speak]
Dad, I would like you to tell me what's in the syringe.
It's a serum that I need to, uh...to stay alive. I have...had a rough day, and, uh...I've sustained a lot of damage, I'm pretty close to death, which the serum will prevent.
By changing you from a pickle to a human.
Rick, why did you lie to your daughter?
So I wouldn't have to come here.
Why didn't you want to come here?
Because I don't respect therapy. Because I'm a scientist. Because I invent, transform, create, and destroy for a living, and when I don't like something about the world, I change it. And I don't think going to a rented office in a strip mall to listen to some agent of averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I think it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind [belch] we value in the animals we eat, but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow. I'm a pickle. When I feel like it. So... you asked.
Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family, you included, use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse. And I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it's your mind within your control. You chose to come here, you chose to talk to belittle my vocation, just as you chose to become a pickle. You are the master of your universe - and yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces, your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work. And the bottom line is, some people are okay going to work, and some people... well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose.
VMVance Maximus
Screw this. I'm not playing his game. I'm gonna find us a way out of here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, Vance. He said you'd die if you tried to leave. That means there's booby traps.
VMVance Maximus
Why are you acting like that's not you?!
What part of "blackout" don't you understand? I thought you drank.
VMVance Maximus
[panicking] Like cool drinking! Like sexy drinking, not this psycho trailer-park shit!
VMVance Maximus
Oho, so you're the leader now because we gave you a jacket?! You're the learning-disabled kid we do photo ops with!
VMVance Maximus
[hyperventilating] Okay, okay. Th-this is triggering me. I need space. I need space... FROM THIS!
[Vance flies towards an air duct in the ceiling and tries to escape through it, only to have his upper body gruesomely torn apart by one of Rick's traps. His legs fly around the room until Crocubot blows them up]
ARAlan Rails
[grabs Rick by the throat] Give me one reason why I shouldn't crush your windpipe.
Because my epidermis is laced with a nanofiber defence mesh. [Alan receives an electric shock and gets knocked back] And because, like I said, I don't remember last night.
ARAlan Rails
[to Supernova] I told you not to bring this mummified motherfucker back!
Alan, I'm not proud of what's happening here, but if you keep coming at me, there's gonna be another passenger on that ghost train.
What the hell is "Is-ra-el"?
I-It's just something Rick starts talking about when he's blackout drunk.
[awkwardly] W-What? In w-- In w-w-what-- In what way? Like, w-w-what's my point?
In a way that has no point! You just babble about defense budgets and the United Nations, and then you pass out!
So, to be clear, I sometimes reference the geopolitical complexities of the topic, which is not the same as going to an anti-Semitic place--
MAMillion Ants
I have no stake in this.
I don't either, I-I'm just saying - if anything, the drunk version of me is probably so supportive of Israel, he wants what's best for it, and--
MAMillion Ants
Hey, man, I'm not touching this. You do you.
Jesus Christ, what a shitty neutrino bomb. it's a miracle I actually ever destroy anything.
Oh, I don't know. You managed to destroy just about everything today: the villains, the heroes, the lines between them, my childhood...
Thank you. I appreciate it, Morty. I know you were sucking the Kool-Aid out of the Vindicators' dicks, so the fact that I was right about them must be pretty hard to admit.
Yeah, it is. You know why, Rick? Because when you're an asshole, it doesn't matter how right you are, nobody wants to give you the satisfaction.
I know. Everyone wants people they like to be right. That's why popular people are fucking dumb. And why your pretentious, poorly written, high-budget friends back there can eat a double-decker shit sandwich. [the bomb powers down] Disarmed.
Holy shit, you're jealous!
[On Supernova's affair with Million Ants]
Yes! Is that what you want to hear?!
ARAlan Rails
Did it feel good?! Did you like his six million wriggling legs more than my tragedy-stricken, half-ghost, half-tumescent PENIS?!
Guys, stop! You're just proving my asshole grandpa right!
You wish this was about sex! We loved each other! We had a child together...
[crying] I conceived a child with Million Ants, AND IT DIED INSIDE ME BECAUSE IT WAS HALF A MILLION ANTS AND HALF COLLAPSING STAR! And yes - he was better than you!
MAMillion Ants
[morphs into a large tentacled form] One million times better!
ARAlan Rails
ALL ABOOOOOOARD, MOTHERFUCKER!!! [tries to punch Million Ants, who disperses to avoid it]
[She traps Alan and Million Ants inside a force field; Million Ants flows into Alan's mouth, making his body swell up and explode, sending his innards splattering everywhere]
Oof! Didn't see that comin'.
Is that sarcasm?! [conjures handcuffs onto Rick and Morty] I don't want you slipping away then this is over! All of these deaths are on your hands!
Oh, come on, maybe a couple of them, but definitely not the train guy--
[Supernova hits him in the groin with one of the celestial bodies orbiting her]
[being swallowed by a Gibble Snake] I'm sorry! I-I made a mistake, I won't do it again!
You self-righteous piece of shit! You took my family!
"I took your family"? Who do you think had taken more from them when you shot 20 CCs of liquid dreamkiller into my daughter? She was Rick's daughter, Jerry! She had options!
That all ended because she felt sorry for you! You act like prey, but you're a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! That's how you survive! I survive cause I know everything, that snake survives because children wander off, and you survive cause people think "Ooh, this poor piece of shit, he never gets a break! I can't stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul! I guess I'll hire him or marry him!"
Just stay put, sweetie! Mom's still on hold!
MCMorphizer Customer Service Worker
Morphizer Customer Service Worker. How may I help you?
Yes, I'm having a little trouble with one of your machines.
MCMorphizer Customer Service Worker
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am. Do you see a little compartment on the side of the machine?
Let me check.... Yes, got it.
MCMorphizer Customer Service Worker
Great! Now, do you see the little button next to it?
MCMorphizer Customer Service Worker
Give that button a push.
MCMorphizer Customer Service Worker
WE'RE FREE! [the Morphizer Customer Service Workers run out of Rick's machine]
Okay, so I pushed the button, and three little men ran out. What do I do next? … Hello? I think we got disconnected-- [Morty angrily snatches Beth's phone, throws it onto the pavement and stamps on it] Morty!
Don't "Morty" me! I tricked Rick into taking Dad on an adventure because I thought I could get a break from this kind of shit! But no! Like father, like goddamn daughter! You wanna be like Rick?! Congratulations! You're just as arrogant and just as irresponsible!
GGene
[pops up] Everything okay here?
Mind your own goddamn business, Gene! I'm having a conversation with my mother here! [Gene walks away] Kissing Rick's ass isn't gonna make him stay, Mom, but it will help you lose everyone else.
Hey, you haven't lost her yet.
No, I definitely did. She's gone.
[looks at the crashed garage] Goddammit!
