Morty quotes from Rick and Morty

Ah! I saw my bones!

Doctor Manhattan high-road assholes, teleporting ME?!

Why-- Why wasn't that painful?

They didn't even do it right! My-- My-- My fly is down!

Your fly was already down.

What are you doing with that? Rick, it was a better--

Nothing from them is better! That thing had uptight Zen snob germs all over it!

Is Dad okay?

Jerry

Yes, I'm just... writing my second book. I don't know what it's gonna be about, but I can tell you one thing - the title is "Jerry Smith Presents: A Book By Jerry Smith". Chapter one... [about five seconds of silence pass] FUCK!!!!!!!

Not so fast, Sanchez. It is I, Cookie Magneto!

What the fuck? I'm... I'm not engaging this guy. [starts walking away]

That's hardly up to you, Rick.

I'm sorry, do you control things that people agree are cookies?

Yes.

Okay, but cookies aren't a substance. They're more of a name w-we give to--

To the things I control.

Do you control cookie ingredients? Because, y'know, t-that sounds dangerous. Y'know, everything has sugar in it.

Fight me and find--

JESUS, RICK!

I'm sorry, Morty, I know you're gonna say it's punching down, but I can't fight another one of these 90s-style goofball supervillains! I'm not the fucking Tick! I-I-I'm exhausted.

Okay! But i-if you really have a lot of these guys gunning for you, maybe you should look into what you're doing to...?

Oh, don't start that crap, Morty! I don't do anything for these dipshits to seek me out.

[teleports in] I am Mr. Calypso! Face me, you ugly, drunk, ugly piece of shit!

Okay, I might look into it.

Wait! Morty, you have to promise not to tell anyone, but your dad made Pissmaster kill himself.

Oh, man, what?!

Yeah, I mean, I found him dead and I-I put on his suit, but look at this - he literally blames your dad. [gives Morty Pissmaster's note]

Holy shit... Wait, you kept the suicide note?! That's so messed up!

I know, I mean, I had to tell someone, Morty. I couldn't just sit on that--

And you expect me to?! [runs into the house]

Morty, no! What are you doing?!

Jerry

What the hell?! He KILLED HIMSELF?!

Jesus, Dad, you should've told us! Especially if Jerry murdered him!

Jerry

Wait, don't say that! I-I didn't murder!

Hey, I-I thought it was pretty cool that I withheld that information.

But you didn't withhold it! You're walking around with the note!

Summer

Yeah, Grandpa, you gotta, like, keep it in your heart as a great sacrifice. That's the cool move.

Jerry

I mean, how am I the bad guy? He sprayed piss on us! Y-You all cheered me on!

Don't drag us into this.

Summer

A man is dead, Dad.

Again, wasn't gonna say it, but I told you this would happen.

Oh, get off your high horse.

Dr. Wong would be so proud!

Summer

BOO!

Go ahead and boo! I was breathing piss, you think I care?

Jerry

Is this what it's like to trend? [sobbing] This is a nightmare! I should've just let him pee on my daughter...!

Summer

Eww! What the hell, Dad?!

I can't believe you tricked us into loving you.

Not because I like it - it's because it's my job. But thank God I don't have to do it anymore.

The fuck you don't! It's Christmas!

You got something to tell me, Morty?

[awkwardly] Merry... Christmas?

Who dropped a lightsaber perfectly fսcking vertical?!

Oh, sh...

Guess what, numbnuts? It's a mile deep and still going! You know what's in the hilt of that thing?

Kyber crystals!

Okay, nerd. Whatever it is, when it hits the core, it's gonna cause a chain reaction that destroys the Earth!

I-It is?!

Why are you still playing with laser swords anyway? You're fourteen! You know all that Star Wars shit is silly, right? Lucas promised a new trilogy for decades, then when he delivered, fans turned on him, and started giving any knucklehead with nerd cred a shot, and churned out these irredeemable cash-grabs! Half pretend to be satisfied, half shit on it - and in the end, no one's happy! Do you know why, Morty? Because when you start with a turd, you end with a turd.

Why you crying?! Where's Rick?

He's busy. A-And I hate him! And I lost my lightsaber, and now it might destroy Earth, and you're unloading all this Gen X hatred on me for even wanting one, and i-it's the worst Christmas ever!

[trying to comfort him] Okay, M-Morty, Morty, Morty, Morty. I shouldn't have talked to you like you're a UN official. Let's get your embarrassing-ass lightsaber back so you can swing it around instead of kissing girls.

Alright. Your derivative drill ship is now faster than a lightsaber. Morty, you want front or back?

Who says the two of us are going? Y-Y-You didn't even want to...

Oh, for fuck's sake. Bye! Good luck. Don't blow up my planet.

You act like you're the one that got stabbed in the back!

Because I am the one, Morty! You wanna know why I replaced myself in the beginning of that stupid "Knights of the Sun" thing? I said "Don't take the fucking sword," and you were like "whatever" like I'm our neighbor Gene or David Arquette or something. You called me boring. I've become dog shit to you. That's what happens when you let people in and they stop respecting you. They touch your shit, they screw things up, they kill your fuckin' family. Go ahead. Trust him (The President). You're gonna learn the same fuckin' thing.

I... am not going to kill your family, Morty.

That means a lot.

May the Force be with... me!

I think you mean with me. [takes it from him and chuckles]

[held back by an orderly] What?! You hate Star Wars!

I was your age when this shit was in theatres. This franchise raised me, trained me, taught me good from evil, made having a bad father empowering! And when that third movie got all... "Muppety", something in me began to rot! But make no mistake, child - I own Star Wars, not you! Not that bubble-throat pompadour fuck, not some Mickey Mouse shit machine - they didn't pay the price with their souls! I did! I earned this, not you! America, transform and roll out! [leads everyone on a march out of Rick's lair]

BASTAAAARD!!!

I always wanted to fight with a lightsaber, but not like this! Y-You ruined it!

Disney ruined it! You think I want thirty low-rent TV series with bad CGI?! They film everything on that one big green screen!

Like you've got better ideas!

I've got a million! Here's one: a robot with lightsabers for eyes! [the robot blindly stumbles around, slicing itself and other robots apart] Goddammit, he can't see!

Wow, are those all the places Rick Prime could be?

I wish, Morty. It's all the places he is.

Aw, Geez!

Welcome to my darkness. I've spent my life hunting this guy, Morty! This is the closest I've ever been to catching Rick Prime. It's impossible! He-He's an incredibly crafty piece of shit. Hunting him destroyed me, Morty! But now we're gonna do it together! You and me!

Oh! Uh...

It's gonna take over your life, Morty! Rick and Morty, Season 7, hunting my nemesis! Maybe trying to stay healthy while doing it! Juggling plates! Not every episode, Morty! It could be all happening in the background! Who knows?! You know, n-no one will, except us! I-It's the most painful shit I've ever had to deal with and I'm fucking bringing you into it, because you asked for it, Morty! You and me, Morty!

Oh, my god! Am I really about to die because you botched up Freaky Friday?!

Yes.

They left a note!

Summer

Should we read it in Rick's voice or Dad's?

"Dear Family, we thought about leaving a note, but then one of us was like 'Why are we leaving a note? That's such a Jerry thing to do. But if we didn't leave a note, that's such a Rick thing to do.' And then we realized we just gotta be us, so it's a note but it's not really well-thought-out." That's it? They got out a pen and paper for this?

Who are you? What is this place?! And does my son sell drugs for my father? Maybe criminals will actually be honest with me...

Crystals can be anything, Mom!

Yeah, but these crystals are drugs.

Morty!

Jerry

They were delicious!

So keep eating them!

Jerry

We can't now!

Because of you! Sorry. Morty. That was terrible parenting. You did the quote-unquote "right thing". We are technically very happy to be better informed.

Jerry

First octopus, now this. Have we thought about just giving up and joining the fascist half of the country?

You did it, didn't you? You couldn't change everyone's taste buds, but you could make it... distasteful. It wasn't the death, was it?

It was the complexity of life.

God, what was the point?

If you're asking whether this was a story about right and wrong, the answer is... "I don't care."

So what do we do?

Cells consume, Morty. Life itself is wrong, and that means death is right. But you can't side with that, so you live, even when it means eating. And Fred here really did it well.